Spoke to nurse.
Expecting blood this weekend.
There will be no spring baby for me.
So. Fucking.Done.
I Give Up August 27, 2009
Maybe not forever, but at least for today.
I’m tired of the roller coaster.
Positive, negative, positive, negative… wait for the nurse, wait for the doctor, wait for blood.
Things are not going well. Will give details after talking to RE. But right now, I am so fucking over this. Screw having babies, or fulfilling dreams or not having a hollow meaningless existence, this is worse.
It’s back August 25, 2009
The shadow line that is. Very light, truly a shadow line. I’m sure that G wouldn’t really see it. But it’s there. It definitely wasn’t yesterday. I’m calling this a “BFP, pending bloodwork confirmation” or BFP-PBWC for short.
So it would seem for the second time this year. For the sixth time in my life. I am pregnant. It would seem. For obvious reasons (i.e. the five previous pregnancies that failed to procduce a live baybee) I’m not as overjoyed as I was last time. As I’ve mentioned before, I feel like my innocence has been ruined. I got it back when we switched to a new doctor with a new fancy protocol that included semi-daily shots! (that’s twice a day, not once, but twice I get to stick a needle in my belly and feel the burn of Heparin) I was too hopeful. So, now my hope is tempered with the knowledge that even fancy new doctors with fancy new protocols can let me down.
Or rather, I let them down. This works for many other women, that’s why they’re having me follow it.
At any rate, I’m hoping that no one lets anyone down this time. I’m hoping for a bring home baybee in early May (or late April). A spring baby. Please, please let me have my spring baby.
11 dpo: Crazies in Full Effect August 24, 2009
The weekend has past, and it seems the booster shot finally has, too. Today’s test was negative after two hours, so I’ll assume it still will be when I get home. It was very faint yesterday, lighter than the shadow from Saturday. I’m also feeling less ass dragging, nearly dead tired. Also, indicative of less HCG in my system.
So, at this point I had already tested positive with Blueberry Bean. This, of course, means nothing. I’m 11dpo at most, which is still technically too soon. I was hoping for a negative so that I’d know for sure if my positive was real. I keep telling myself these things so I don’t cry and lose it in despair. There’s nothing more professional than crying in your office all day.
This weekend was almost “symptom” free. Which makes perfect sense seeing how the tests were so light & hcg causes the symptoms. Hcg drops, symptoms drop. Makes perfect sense. Today, I’m tired and nauseous, but NOTHING like last week. Fertility Friend is still sitting pretty at 92%. I’m feeling much less optimistic.
9 DPO: I HATE WAITING August 22, 2009
Right, so the test that I thought looked negative at 6am yesterday, was all kinds of positive when I got home last night. Methinks I was a little hasty in declaring the Ovidrel out of my system. The positive on the test this morning was soooo faint that G didn’t even see it. He thinks I’m a little crazy with the test interpretation. But, I tell you the truth I could still see that barely there line. Like a pink shadow, taunting me. It said (after G left the room, so I’d have no witnesses, bitch!) “Am I real, or am I Ovidrel? I could be real, because I’m so faint.” I told it to shut the fuck up and quit making me crazy.
But, today is 9 dpo. My positive with Blueberry Bean was 10dpo. It was on a Saturday morning. It feels like a million years ago and also yesterday. So strange. But, I’m tore up over this shadow line from today, because had I tested on 9 dpo with BB, maybe I would have seen the same type of shadow line. Maybe it’s real. Maybe it doesn’t matter, it’s too soon and I need to quit being so neurotic.
I did promise not to be so neurotic this cycle, and here I am sign hunting, waffling about whether or not my shadow line is real or drugs. Someone please come slap me ’round the face so I can get my bearings back.
OK, I give up. I’m going to go bake for several hours until I feel fatter, but less insane.
P.S. The most accurate pregnancy test in the world, the Fertility Friend Pregnancy Predictometer Extraordinaire says: 92%. Bitch!
And the survey says August 21, 2009
90%
I was at 92% on 10dpo with Blueberry Bean. Today is 8dpo.
I almost (but so not really) wish that I’m not pregnant, just so I can tell Fertility Friend to suck it. In reality I’d rather be pregnant than prove FF wrong, but you know what I mean.
Other poorly organized randomness (so tired…):
- I am the tired.
- I am the grouchy.
- I am pissed about comment the hubs made at lunch.
- I am zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
- Sorry about that
- What was I saying?
- It couldn’t have been important anyway.
- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Progesterone Results August 20, 2009
My progesterone level is only 24. So, it’s within the range that says I definitely ovulated. It was 80 at this point with Blueberry Bean. Obviously, since that ended badly, I shouldn’t be making comparisons, but I am back to thinking even if I am pregnant, I won’t be for long.
I spoke with my favorite nurse Dorinda and she says this is a good number. She says I’ll be calling he rnext week with good news. She is so upbeat. I wish I could just keep her with me all day. Because when her voice isn’t in my ear, I’m resigned to loss.
It’s possible that I’m all gloom and doom because I haven’t slept in the last hour, too, though, so please take with a grain of salt.
And now the real news you’ve all been waiting for… The be all and end all of pregnancy science… The Fertility Friend Pregnancy Predictometer is up to… (wait for it) … … … 82%.
Another one of those things that’s been bugging me August 19, 2009
*** It is late, and I am tired and grouchy and have A LOT more work to do yet tonight. Any ranting and bitching that may follow is likely to be heavily influenced by fatigue and frustration. ***
Right, so, I’m pretty uncomfortable right now. I’m tired & hungry & constipated & nauseous & lightheaded & literally getting up to pee every 90 minutes. All good things in the world of the two week wait. Especially in the world of the infertiles two week wait.
But also, mostly uncomfortable things. It is uncomfortable to have to pee every time you see a drop of water. It is uncomfortable to not be able to poo. It is uncomfortable to be tired 24 hours a day. It is. And, it’s making me really grouchy. Which is making me feel guilty. After all, whether this is the Ovidrel or real pregnancy symptoms: I paid for this. I went to a doctor and said “give me something to make me feel like shit for anywhere from 2 weeks to nine months… Preferably nine months.” And he did.
So, where do I get off being bitchy and grouchy about being in the exact state that I want to be in? Especially considering all of my fellow infertiles I could hurt by expressing my discomfort? I mean, shouldn’t I be thankful for the nausea? Shouldn’t every bout of lightheadedness prompt a round of rejoicing? Probably… But it doesn’t.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I’m unhappy to be experiencing these feelings. (Although, if they’re just from the Ovidrel, I am going to be a little pissed.) I know that anyone who is currently TTC and unable would give their left arm to feel this (and I would, too). I’m not saying that I wouldn’t GLADLY deal with much worse if it meant a LIVE baybee would spring from my womb. Live, is a deal breaker, though. I don’t want anymore dead babies. Five is enough. I’m not saying that I’m grateful for these feelings, even. I am. Maybe if things are confirmed and I am indeed knocked up, I’ll even relish the discomfort a little. Maybe.
What I am saying is… why, just because we had a harder time getting the morning sickness are we supposed to pretend that it isn’t miserable? Why am I expected to say “I love the nausea, and the constipation is fine, and everytime I pee it reminds me that I might be/am pregnant”? But for real, why?
I guess what I’m driving at is pregnancy is uncomfortable. It’s not a walk in the park for most people. Yes, we jump through hoops and pay through the nose and work our asses off to get pregnant. But, pregnancy isn’t really the end goal. A BABY is the goal. Pregnancy is just the line to get into the baby club. Lines suck. Just because I had a harder time getting into the line, doesn’t mean I should enjoy being in line anymore than a person who hopped right in (ahead of me might I add, damn line jumpers).
Quick Update from the Starving Zombie Lady August 19, 2009
otherwise known as, me.
I’m starving and exhausted. I’ve eaten and slept, and yet all I want is cereal and sleep. An example or the exhaustion, I was supposed to go get my blood drawn at 10am. My alarm was set for 7am. I got up at 9am. I got work at 10:30am. I literally just remembered the order for blood. That is sooo unlike me.
Last night I had to take the puggins to the vet. Apparently, the thing I thought was a hot spot and G thought was mange (he’s way more of a pessimist than I am) was an allergic reaction to fleas. Even though the vet couldn’t find a flea on her. And the other two animals aren’t itchy.
Did I mention being tired and hungry?
Last but not least, what you’ve all been waiting for: that whore Fertility Friend is now up to 61%.
I’m Not Sign Hunting, but… August 18, 2009
That whore Fertility Friend is, though. In case you don’t remember this rant from back in the winter… I pay for the VIP service from Fertility Friend. This is for the ovulation detection help. The problem is that along with the “Fertility Analyzer” you also get the “Pregnancy Signs Estimator.” Basically it takes your info each day and adds to a % chance that your pregnant. It start low (mine usually starts around 45%) and gets higher as the cycle progresses. With Blueberry Bean I think it was at 95% when the test came back positive. On non pregnant cycles it has come back between 75% and 85%. I don’t tend to put a lot of stock in it, as it starts at nearly 50% when even a perfect one egg cycle is only 20% out of the gate. So, this is why I call Fertility Friend a whore. It doles out false hope in exchange for cash.
All of that said… let’s track it and see what it says this cycle. You know, for funsies! Right now it’s at 52%. At this point the only “sign” that can’t be attributed to the Ovidrel shot is that I had a high temp last night (99.3) but wasn’t sick. So, like I said, I’m NOT sign hunting, just playing a fun game with the Fertility Friend monitor.
