Out of Control March 26, 2012

Right now, my life feels out of control. As in I have no idea where to start to get back on track. Or even where the track is. I’ve been drifting. Treading water. Lately, I’m just drowning… So, I need to get some goals in line and get my lazy ass in gear!

 

•  House: My house is a mess. MESS. Embarrassingly messy. This is not me. Don’t get me wrong, I hate to clean. But, I’ve always had one of those houses where a quick trip through to pick up the out of place stuff was all that was needed to prep for company. Then I had a baby. And that baby came with stuff. A giant truck load of stuff. And it ate my house. And it overwhelmed me. Now my kitchen floor needs mopped, my toilet is gross and the laundry monster is threatening to suffocate me in my sleep. Unacceptable. So, what am I gonna do about it? Well, it is spring break… I suppose I need to clean this shit up. Then get myself a little plan together for keeping on top of it.
• Food: I haven’t been food shopping in two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, we still have food left from the last trip. I could probably feed my family for another week or two without going to the store. Not wholesome or nutritious meals, but meals… Yeah, I need to make a shopping list and get my arse to the store.
• Health: Pinterest be damned, I have to do a juice fast. At the end of my 10 day-er last summer I had lost a bunch of weight and my RA was starting to feel better. It was working. I need to get back on it. Give it a couple of months. Holy hell, if I could lose 50 pounds (200′s I could be in the 200′s!!!) and get my RA better in control my energy would SKY ROCKET. I need energy. I know juice fasting brings me energy. My hang up here is just how much I enjoy yummy tasting food, and the comfort of a nice warm, filling meal. But, I need to put that on the back burner. Temporary pleasure is so much less important than improving my quality of life right now. Those temporary pleasures will ultimately decrease my QOL, a juice fast will improve it. I’m gonna do it. I am!
• Marriage: Yeah, so RPL and crazy families and conflicting parenting styles… not so good for the marriage. We haven’t had sex since we found out that Nora was miscarrying. That’s been like 5 or 6 weeks now. Honestly, I’m in no rush. I was going to say it’s the last thing I want to do right now, but then I realized I probably would rather have sex than properly clean my house… Still this is one of the longest stretches we’ve ever gone and typically for us, no sex is not a good sign. We fight almost every night. He’s driving me crazy. Between saying just stupid shit about current events that don’t even affect us, to totally killing me on the discipline front to making shitty-ass little comments he is driving me bonkers. I don’t know how to turn things around. I don’t have an action plan for this one. Maybe fixing the other things will help it?
• My Appearance: The longer I’ve been out of the work force the rattier my clothing has gotten. My mom infused my wardrobe with some of her clothes she doesn’t wear, but… it’s still not quite a wardrobe anymore. I spend most of my days in pajamas, my shirts have stains on them and nothing fits right or matches. On top of all that, I need a haircut, my nails are a mess and my eyebrows look like Huxley’s. Good grief, why would he even want to have sex with me? Anyway, we don’t really have the cash to invest in how I look, and it’s been low priority to me (obviously), but I’m starting to think maybe it I spruced me up a little I might be able to kick this depression faster?
• Homeschooling: This isn’t so much school as just doing activities with the littles. I started wanting to do something to enrich their little brains everyday, or at least a couple times a week. But, I don’t. I need to get with it, though. Even though the TV is valuable for a small bit during the day, I’m finding the more out of control I feel, the more TV we’re watching. Less TV more activities!!!
• Business: Actually have a plan here! Am going to focus more on patterns. This will hopefully result in more cash… Have 6 more hats to ship, then will be caught up.
• Writing: I have so many ideas!!! Must make myself write everyday.

OK, I think I feel better. At least have the start of a start of a proper to-do list.

Updates & Whatnot March 15, 2012

So, I promised you an update on the situation La Diabla. Plus, you know, there’s other stuff going on, too. The world did not stop moving just because my body killed another innocent baby. Weird how that happens.

 

- La Diabla: So, G took Baby G over to Aunt C’s a couple of times on Sunday morning when I was in the throws of 1st trimestery zombieland. His Aunt C called La Diabla so she could come see the baby, too. Grr… Now, we have long agreed that she will not dictate how we live our lives. For instance, if we are out in public and she turns up, we will go on about our business. But, to me, this is a little different. I feel he should have left. Not because I wanted him to (although the thought of that troll touching my baby makes me want to hurl), but because he told her that he wasn’t interested in seeing her and that he didn’t want her around his son. If you’re going to say things like that, you need to back them up. But, that’s his business. He made it sound like he was unhappy that she turned up and blah, blah, blah, then… did the same bloody thing the following weekend. He’s not being honest with someone, and I think it’s himself. So, I cannot tolerate this whole pretending that nothings happened nonsense, nor do I want that unrepentant bitch anywhere near my child. In other times I might have played it cool, but now that Baby G is involved I actually stood up for my family and told G that she is NOT to be around my son. Period. If she desires a relationship with any member of this family (other than G, I have no right to but in there) then she will agree to family counseling. No counseling, no relationship. She’ll never do it. But, I figure if she does, we all benefit. If she doesn’t, I am able to say I remained willing to make things work, but that she was the uncooperative one. I’m not normally one for games (and I do think that is kind of a game, because I know she won’t ever agree to family counseling), but desperate times…

 

- Once again, I am so pissed that things have worked out this way. Because even though I don’t really like my MIL, she could be really useful. Not only that, we could be friends of sorts. She would be a good one for taking the kids out and couponing together and stuff like that. I wish we could have that kind of relationship. That’s probably why I set the condition of family counseling. I know it’ll never happen. I need to not even let myself think it. But, I do. I wish it could be like that. I hate that I wish that. I wish I could really hate her as much as I want to.

 

- My Health: Sucks. My RA is out of control, I’m in so much pain. I wish I could just feel good. Or, even OK. But, as it is, I’m always tired and achy. My feet hurt so bad and my left ankle is nearly unbearable by bedtime. So, I asked Dr. Rheumy for new drugs today. Strong drugs. Drugs that we’ve been avoiding because we’ve been pro-creating, and now we’re not. She gave me drugs. I am pleasantly stoned right now. I wouldn’t say I’m in much less pain (not that I expected to be on the first day), but, who gives a shit? I’m nice an relaxed. This isn’t really what I want, though…

 

- So What the Hell Do I Want?: Yeah, another big topic around here. Apparently I need goals. Not just for me, either, for the whole family. We need to stop drifting this way. Now that we’ve decided to actively prevent pregnancy, it feels like a whole new world has opened to us. More on this to come.

Opposites Attract – or Do They? September 29, 2011

Well, here it is the middle of the night and once again I cannot sleep. Despite being stuffed full of vicodin. What’s up? Anxiety! Since the accident I have been having a hard time with anxiety. My mind just races, I feel the need to be awake and listening for the baby and most of all I fear I’m letting something really important slide. I don’t know what the really important thing is, but it’s sliding and shall surely burn my biscuits directly. This is not a fun place to be right now.

 

Speaking of no fun, my home has become a bit of a battlefield. I have made no secret of the fact that infertility almost claimed my marriage. We came very close to calling it quits. But, with infertility, we had a common enemy. We were fighting together, and while it was hard, it ultimately brought us closer. Parenting is basically the opposite of that. At least it is for us. Now, instead of a common enemy, we have a common interest. For the most part we agree on the basics concerning the care and life goals for Baby G. But, the devil is in the details I’m afraid…

 

See, I’m pretty much of the belief that letting kids explore and learn and play is the best way to teach them confidence and curiosity and a love of learning. I’m kind of a free-range, attachment mama type. I basically let Graham tell me how much hands on interaction he needs, and otherwise I keep an eye out, but I don’t hover. If he cries, I comfort him. If he points and grunts at something, I tell him about it (and when appropriate, let him handle it). If he brings me a book, I read it to him. If he doesn’t bring me a book, sometimes I just read out loud, anyway, and see if he wants to come over and listen. If he toddles down the hall to his room… well, sometimes I just let him. I’ll keep an ear out and mozy down to check in on him a few (read 2-5) minutes later, if he hasn’t already come back. If he sits in his tent with a toy, I let him. Even if it means I can’t see him for a bit. He is in the same room with me, after all. I kind of think this lets him know that it’s OK to be independent. It’s OK to be away from mama for a bit. And, I also let the babies work out their own disagreements (to an extent). Because, I think it helps them develop social and problem solving skills.

 

G is kind of the opposite of that. He is a hoverer. That man has perfected the art of hovering. He feels the need to constantly engage/interact/check-on/follow the baby. Even when said baby is perfectly content, doing his own thing. G thinks the baby gates should always be up, so Graham can’t toddle down the hall into his room (or the bathroom!). G is of the opinion that if we can’t physically see the baby, we need to fix it. He also is big on holding his hands over furniture edges as Mr. G walks (yes! walks!) by them. And, it’s not out of the ordinary for him to do things like clear a toy path where-ever Graham happens to be walking and/or pick up tiny crumbs off of the carpet and analyze them for choking hazards. Additionally, he has been known to pitch small parts to the bigger kids toys (as well as move their primary toy bins to the basement) because they might be choking hazards. Because everything is a choking hazard. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. He also feels the need to intervene in every minor skirmish betwixt the toddler duo, that he sees.

 

Opposites. That’s us. At the end of the day, we have the same goal. We want a happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid who becomes a successful, happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult. We want to know that we did everything we could to give him the best possible start in life.

 

And, that would be where the fighting begins… our parenting philosophies are so different and our goals are exactly the same. So, nightly there is disapproval expressed at how I’ve cared for the baby throughout the day. (FYI… diaper rash can totally be related to teething. I don’t care what anyone says. I change my baby very often, ya’ll know my feelings on diapers, and when (only when) he’s about to get teeth, he gets diaper rash for a day or two. Which is exhibit A in the “Minta is a bad mommy” prosecution case.) Consequently, nightly, there is tongue clucking at how the hovering is going to turn my baby into a co-dependant pansy-boy. Vicious circle.

Except, you see, I lose. Because at the end of the day, daddy has never been driving when someone else ran a red light and nearly killed us all. Which means “daddy has never endangered the baby’s life.” While of course, I could argue that mommy hasn’t either (please note: was smashed by irresponsible nitwit who ran a red light!!!!), I can’t. Because I feel impossibly guilty over the accident. I feel like I should have seen it coming, I should have known. I should have stopped it. I know I can’t go back and I know replaying it in my head over and over again looking for the magically sign that I missed won’t do any good. But, it would seem we’re both holding me responsible for the accident from which Baby G came out without so much as a red mark, but which has left a deep wound on my credibility as a parent.

A Really Boring List That I Will Totally Understand If You Don’t Read December 13, 2010

The babies are both sleeping! So here is a quick update on the haps at casa Minta!

 

• After thinking about it constantly for a couple of days, I did decide to test. It was negative. Well, G says it was negative. I am insane and always see some kind of shadow line. Well, this time it was there, then it wasn’t, then it came back. Which means I am insane. Because even when I don’t really-really-really want to see a line, apparently my brain still wants to see a line.
• I will be 31 on Wednesday. Boo! But also, yay. I’m feeling a little odd about my birthday this year.
• Enbrel has been restarted. RA relief has happened almost immediately. Oh, right, I never told you… I have been having the worst RA pain of my life since about 8 weeks postpartum. I have been living on the steroids, which has slowed the weight loss way the heck down So, I saw the rheumy and now am back on the drugs. Am starting to feel better already. She had thought it might take months…
• Prednisone step down here we come!
• Hopefully weight loss will pick back up.
• Have now lost 72 pounds! Which is only two pounds since last time I told you, a month ago. Hence the joy at the pednisone going way.
• Wii Fit has been resumed. I was too fat for it for a while (even not pregnant…) but now am back on track with it!

Be Still My Infertile Brain December 4, 2010

I am constipated. Not like haven’t pooped in days constipated (that just doesn’t happen to me, I pooped the day after giving birth), but like my poops are HARD. This is abnormal for me. This is sometimes a pregnancy sign for me. This has my brain spinning.

 

I was really hoping that after having my Baby G that this type of insanity would go away. That I would no longer wonder if every little abnormality could possibly be a sign of being pregnant. I was really hoping that I’d no longer think “I had to pee twice last night, and my poop was hard as a rock and I have a headache… should I test?” after getting through a successful pregnancy.

 

But alas, this is indeed how I am starting to think again. Which makes me wonder if birth control would not be a waste of money just to prevent this insanity. Because, we aren’t using birth control now. Well, unless you count pulling out and breast feeding. Which no one who’s serious about not getting pregnant does. But… truth be told we haven’t been that serious about not getting pregnant again. Our attitude has pretty much been if we’re lucky enough to be part of the “pregnant before the first postnatal period” group, then so be it. We always wanted more than one child and if they end up Irish twins, then so be it. If we don’t get pregnant again for a couple of years, then so be it.

 

That was our attitude. Which is why the haphazard birth control (the OB says wait until March to try again, which is why any birth control is being used, again if we can call pulling out and breast feeding birth control). But… if I’m being completely honest (and if I can’t be completely honest here, then why do I blog?) I don’t really want to get pregnant again right away. I’m scared of saying that and of attempting to prevent because I feel like if I miss any chances on purpose, then can’t ever get pregnant again I’ll regret it. The truth is obviously, after all we’ve been through another baby would be a blessing, and I would never consider it otherwise. I love being a mommy. LOVE IT. It is so much more than I thought it would be.

 

Which is why I’m not super thrilled at the idea of becoming pregnant again right away… Baby G just got here. I don’t feel like I’ve had time to fully enjoy him. I don’t feel ready to split the love and attention I’ve waited so long to shower on him. I’m so content with just him right now. And he is such a good baby. He is the very definition of easy baby. He sleeps great, he eats great, he’s smiley and happy most of the time. I just really want to soak him up. I don’t want to be shared, I want to be all his. For now.

 

So, I’m conflicted. My brain is so used to wanting to be pregnant that it sees pregnancy around every corner, and while I certainly wouldn’t consider it a bad thing, my heart is content right where we are and wants to enjoy it a while longer. Of course, neither brain nor heart has any control over the ovaries who may or may not cooperate with either of them!

Survivor’s Guilt October 20, 2010

So, I don’t post much of late. I’ve explained other reasons before (i.e. amlazywhore), but there is another reason… I am so happy. I am bursting with happiness. I love the shit out of being a mommy. There is literally nothing I’d rather be doing more than taking care of my G’s and I can barely remember life before (even though there’s 30 years of before and only 40 days of after). This is the best.

 

Sure, I’ve had my less than best moments (which I’ve written about) and I do miss getting 3+ contiguous hours of sleep on the regular. But… I wouldn’t trade one minute with him for an hour of sleep. I wouldn’t trade a minute with him for all the disposable cash back. I wouldn’t trade my time with my baby for anything. I am so, so in love.

 

And that is the problem. Because so many of you are still struggling. So many of my friends (and I do consider you to be my friends) are still in the trenches. So many girls that I care about are longing for what I have. I feel like I’m rubbing it in your faces to talk about how absolutely wonderful it is to finally be here. I remember being there, having friends with babies and me mourning miscarriages and failed cycles and feeling like ass for hating them. I remember seething with envy over photo’s and cute anecdotes about smiling babies.

 

I can’t do that to you.

 

As much as I want to give you hope and tell you all about how awesome it is to finally hold that baby and be over that hill, I don’t want to rub it in. I don’t want to hurt you. So, I’m conflicted. So, I’m silent.

 

Tell me, what would you prefer?

- Posts clearly labeled “baby happiness mentioned here.”

- Infertility/loss posts here and baby posts somewhere else.

- Something else (keep everything here or please feel free to make a suggestion).

The Other Side of the Fence July 2, 2010

G and I know several couples besides ourselves who are struggling or have struggled with IF. For most of the couples we know the struggle is past tense. They either have the children they were seeking or have come to terms with living childfree. They are no longer trying to hop the fence. Maybe they aren’t at peace with the process or end results just yet, but they’re done with the fight, anyway.

Most of them.

There is one couple in our life who is still struggling. Who is older than us. With whom G has daily contact.

G’s boss and his wife have been struggling to start their family for every bit as long as G and I have. They have experienced multiple losses. Their marriage has been affected by the constant struggle.

When we lost Bean G’s boss was genuinely saddened for us. He understood if G needed to take some more time. He asked how I was holding up. He shared stories of how his wife handled their losses. When we lost our Spring Baby and I was a hot mess, G’s boss was encouraging and kind. He encouraged G to work shorter hours so he could be home with me more. He even helped G get a promotion and significant raise so that some of the financial stress could come off of me.

See, that was when we were on even ground. When we were doomed and they were doomed. When things looked slightly more in their favor than ours. But, now, the tides have changed.

Now, I am seven months pregnant. Baby G appears to be healthy (fat, apparently, but healthy). We are almost to the goal line. They are not. To say that this has changed the dynamic at work would be quite the understatement.

The boss that was helpful and kind is now distant and cold. If G doesn’t ask a question, he should have and if he does ask, he should already know. If he has to leave work for a hand therapy appointment things can be rearranged, but for an OB appointment they cannot (or, he gets several calls during the appointment). Nothing is ever done right, but no instruction can be given as to how it could have been done better. Yes, his boss is jealous and he is really taking it out on G.

Wanna know the crazy part? I kind of get it.

I feel badly for him. I’ve been in his shoes and they hurt. They are made of broken glass and bee stingers. I certainly don’t envy the position he’s in right now. I don’t agree with his behavior and I think G deserves better treatment, but I understand the motivation behind his sudden change in mood towards G.

I can remember last September, being straight of off loss #6 being downright hurtful to my one actual friend at work, one of the very few people who could come close to relating to my experience, because I could hear her baby on the phone when she was working from home. The sound of that happy, laughing perfect little baby was like a dagger to my heart. Every giggle stung like lemon juice in a paper cut. It wasn’t her fault. It certainly wasn’t the baby’s fault. It wasn’t my fault either for that matter. But the hurt was there all the same, and I didn’t know how to work around it without hurting her, and it was too much to bear. So, I lashed out. I behaved in a way that hurt her in an attempt to protect myself from the pain.

So, I understand where G’s boss is coming from. That fence is so high, and the draw to be with the people on the other side is so strong. But, what I know, that he doesn’t… There isn’t just a big old yard full of parenthood and forgetfulness juice on the other side of that fence. There are just more fences. You hop the “get pregnant” fence, only to find the “heartbeat” fence. You jump it to find the “first trimester” fence. Followed by the “second trimester” fence. Then the “full term” and “live birth” fences. Everybody is jumping the same fences, just some of our fences are higher than others. Some people’s are so low to the ground they can be stepped over, some of us need to pole vault. The harder you have to fight to make it through the hurdles, the harder it is to forget the hard work and the easier it becomes to forgive someone who’s still trying to make it into “your yard” and is getting a bit bitter from the effort.

A Comment on Infertility April 1, 2010

A post that I wrote quite a while back, Infertile Women are Crazy, is one of the ones that consistently gets some search engine traffic from people Googling “Infertile Women are Crazy” or some slight variation thereof. One thing that this post does not pick up, though, are comments. Until this weekend. I approved the comment and it is visible on the original post. It is rather negative and I did consider not approving it, but the author didn’t make any jabs at me or attack all infertile women in general (at least not directly), so I went ahead and approved it, because people can have opinions that don’t jive with mine, as long as they’re not mean about it.

So… here it is:

My own experience dealing with infertile women has been rather nasty. Maybe because I have a baby and they don’t, although they have no clue if I had problems getting pregnant (I didn’t). A used to be very good friend of mine who had a miscarriage told me that I and her sister (both stay at home moms) don’t “do anything all day”. Not sure why she “knows” what any mom does or does not do, she is not a mom. I know someone who wants kids but doesn’t have them tell me her niece was “her baby”. No, if you have a niece, you are the aunt, not the mother. She is forever talking down about her sister in law, and how incompetent she is as a mother. I will tell you from first hand experience, being a mother seemed so much easier before I had a child! And I think most parents would agree with that.

My husband and I started avoiding this couple who we suspect had fertility problems, they were forever telling us what to do with our baby, criticizing us, and other mothers. They were so very bitter. I guess they thought the world “owed them” a baby, and since they had been married for years and wanted children and didn’t have any, their next best thing was to condemn every single action of every single parent.

I do wonder if these infertile women also belittle women who have bigger houses, more exciting careers, etc, than they do, or do they just complain about women with children when they don’t have any? Infertility must be a horrible thing to experience first hand, but I don’t see how being angry and rude to others is going to help the situation.

This is obviously one fertile woman’s take on infertility or specifically infertile women. I am choosing to believe that this is not a regular lurker who is familiar with my involvement with The C’s and is making a pointed statement in discussing the aunt comment.

I find it interesting that the take-away is:

• Infertile women don’t know what it’s like to be mothers.
• Infertile women attempt to become too involved in other people’s children.
• Infertile women are overly critical of mothers.
• Infertile women are jealous of others and/or feel that they are owed a child.
• Infertile women are angry and rude.

Now, while this isn’t directly insulting, when you boil down to the message being conveyed is pretty judgmental. On the one hand, I do sometimes see myself in those statements, though.

I obviously have no idea what it’s like to mother a living child. I would like to, but I don’t. I do know that no matter how hard it is, no matter what else is going on there are certain absolutes. Things like not leaving kids in the car while going into a big store for a long period of time. Things like not drinking and driving, but especially with the kids in the car. These are things that I have criticized mothers of living children for. These are things I have criticized my sister for. These are things that anyone with any concern for human life, whether they have living children or not should see and point out and be ready to protect the children in their life from. I would not consider my becoming more active with The C’s during a time when their mother made choices such as those (+ worse) to be overly involved. Just as now that she’s making better decisions, I have become less involved. I also wouldn’t consider being critical of those choices/actions being overly critical.  Complaining about clothes not matching, or hair not being styled or something along those lines = overly critical. Complaining about a baby not being bathed in weeks = justified concern.

But, I will admit that I see myself even more in the jealousy and anger comments. I am jealous of women who can get pregnant easily and have never experienced their baby’s death. I am pissed off that six of my babies are not with me today. And, you know what? I do think I’m entitled to those feelings. I believe with all of my heart that I have every right to feel that way and express those feelings. I don’t have a right to be rude to someone else who is not to blame for my fucked up body, but I have the right to be jealous of her ease in procreation. Just like women who don’t want children have every right to be jealous of my inability to have children without medical intervention.

Anyway, that is my take on the world’s view of we the infertile. What’s yours?

A Quick Shout Out January 6, 2010

to my girls at… wait for it, site down, because I’m about to shock your pants off… COMPUNET.

And you’re all “But Minta, you hate Compunet, you’re always calling them soul-less vampires.”

You’re right… The corporation mega some ass ($195 for a simple progesterone check). But, the girls at the office I visit all too regularly in Springboro, OH are AWESOME. C & T you may never read this, but please know that when I think of the journey to have a baby and ALL of the bloodwork it’s involved I consider you two part of my team and part of the success (you know, if and when we get some success*).

So, why am I so glowy happy this morning? What have these ladies done to deserve suck accolades? I’ll tell ya!

They drew Beta #3 today. I got to the office at 9:45am, as per usual. But they were slammed. Even though they were way busy they were nice and courteous as always. But, they warned that we may not make same day, because the courier was almost there and there were people ahead of me (which NEVER happens at that branch, usually I don’t even sit in the waiting room). Well, they got the people ahead of me done lightening fast and asked the courier to wait for my blood, and he did. Because of C & T and P the courier going out of their way to be awesome I’ll get the results back today.

* Success: Live baby in my arms

January 4, 2010

It’s 20 to four, and they still haven’t called! Argh!

So, Compunet could have screwed the pooch and they don’t have the results, yet. Or they could be all normal and the nurses are dealing with something more important than a call to say “everything’s great!” Or, it could be bad, and they’re waiting for the doctor’s opinion. Or, it could be high and they’re waiting for the doctor’s opinion.

or

or

or

I just wish they’d call, I’m going a little batshit crazy waiting.