Grief is kicking my arse May 25, 2012

So, I’m still wallowing in grief a bit over here. Not sure why it hit me all of a sudden… I was chugging along OK, then BAM! Nora is gone. Bean is gone. The grief monster struck again. My family keeps saying “at least you have Baby G” which, a) yes, and I appreciate that and OMG I love that kid but also b) that’s not the point. If I was grieving being unable to conceive again, then, OK valid point (though still insensitive and rude). But, that isn’t it at all. I lost my baby. She was real and alive and mine. I love her and wanted her. I had so many hopes and visions of our little family. And they’re gone. Just *poof* the end.

 

Maybe I’ll get pregnant again, maybe we’ll adopt. Maybe we’ll choose to just be as we are. But no matter where the future takes us, Nora will not be in it.

 

I think part of what brought all this back to the surface was talking to Dr Rheumy about it at my last appt. She had the tact to be properly horrified by Nora’s birth and was very nice about it. She also said she couldn’t imagine getting pregnant again after going through that.

 

Of course, there’s also the whole milestone-ness of the week with her having been gone longer than she was with us and this being a big week in her life (were she still alive).

20 Weeks May 25, 2012

I should be 20 weeks pregnant right now. We should be happily anticipating (or joyfully announcing the results of) our big anatomy scan ultrasound. We should be finding out who was right on their gender guesses. I should be feeling kicking and flipping and punching from the inside out. Baby G should be starting to notice Mom-Mom’s tummy getting bigger. My Nora should still be alive and in my belly.

 

But, she’s not. She’s gone and she isn’t coming back. My heart is broken.

METFORMIN! March 26, 2012

So, I was just reading on one of my RPL boards and it hit me that I was not taking the metformin with Nora. With Bean I stopped it right about the time they estimate he died and my RE called it coincidence. With Baby G I didn’t stop when he told me to. I didn’t stop until 20 weeks, well after the placenta had taken over. With Nora, I wasn’t on it at all.

 

Could this be it?

 

(OK, I know I’m grasping at straws and it’s probably a coincidence like the highly trained medical professional said… but… you can see anecdotal-ly why I might be inclined to take Met even though my cycles are fairly normal these days.)

 

See how I keep saying all done and then not really meaning it? Masochist be my name.

Where Do We Go From Here? March 11, 2012

Yeah, no I’m asking you, because I don’t have a farking clue.

 

One minute I want to get a hysterectomy and never have to deal with the bullshit that is pregnancy loss ever again. No more cycles, no more heartbreak. No more kicks, no more itty bitties.

 

Then again… there might not be more kicks and itty bitties regardless. Which is SO UNFAIR! Holy Fuck it’s unfair. To me, yes, definitely. To G, as well. But to Baby G, too. What has he done to deserve this? I don’t think he gets the whole he could have a baby of his very own thing, yet… but, every time we’re out and about he’s like a baby seeking missile. He LOVES babies. He talks to them and tries to touch them and shows them to me like “look, Mom, I found another one, aren’t they AWESOME!!!” (what he actually says is “Ooooh, baby! Ma, ma, baby!” or something to that effect).

 

Where was I?

 

Right, what to do…

 

So, waffling about whether to try again ever. Also, my RA is asstacular right now. I can’t take anything new for it because it’s not safe, though. Honestly, I kind of wonder if the new pain med I was taking until the + test contributed to the very bad-sad ending of the life of Nora. So, I’ve been just living with the pain, planning to gets knocked up again. Now, I’m wondering if it’s worth it. Maybe we should call a hiatus and spend a year doing the health/RA control thing and try again later?

 

That sounds great, except… Big C and Lil C are three years apart and they HATE each other. Part of that is the fault of the grown-ups for not nurturing a better relationship between them. Part of it really is the unfavorable age difference, though. If we tried for 5 years apart, though, we’re getting into 40 year old Daddy territory. I know lots of peeps has kids into their 40′s and bravo to them. I wanted to be DONE at 30, not starting at 30. Daddy is not keen on having a newborn in his 40′s. Though this is something we may change our minds on in time…

 

Because of this, we really feel it’s now or never. Plus, the chances of conceiving again and the baby being more genetically normal are higher in the first few cycles after a miscarriage.

 

Miscarriage… I love how clean that word is. It does not match the experience I had yesterday, at all. I see now why the doctors were pushing the D&C and… though it would have cost a few hundred dollars and put me out of commission for a couple of days, I should have done it. I never want to go through that again.

 

OK, tangent over. So, what to do… You may think we don’t have to decide right away, but, in fact we do. I have all kinds of appointments this week and next with the peoples that make this shit happen.

 

OK, I’m going to watch the Walking Dead and get really drunk now.

Vacation March 5, 2012

So, I’ve had just about enough suspense and drama and woe and have decided to take a vacation. Not a literal one, as that would require both money and time. But, a figurative one. I think the technical term would be “slacking.” Yep, I’m doing what I want. OK, that’s a lie. I’m doing more of what I want (which is mostly dicking around on my new Kindle Fire and playing old ass city building games), but still taking care of business. Saturday and Sunday G took the baby out and they did their little male bonding thing, so I was able to pretty much rest. That was nice.

 

OK, well now I’m just rambling. Sorry. Feeling a bit scattered. In other news, spotting has remained just that… spotting. Which is decidedly inconclusive. DW said to double the prometrium. Oh! That may account for the fuzzy brain and general feeling of “fuck it.” We’re back to wait and see, touch and go, probably not, but let’s drag this thing out anyway.

 

Back to the slacking… that was way more fun. OK folks, ancient Egypt isn’t going to build itself…

and then there was blood March 3, 2012

And though I knew it was coming it still broke my heart.

 

So far, it’s just a little spotting. So far…

Rising March 1, 2012

Not doubling, but rising. Very, very slowly.

 

So, I called DW’s office and got Monday’s results. HCG rose to 880, but progesterone fell to 4.7.

 

That was pre-prometrium, though, so I’m not putting a lot of stock in the progesterone number. It’s horrible, sure and an indicator of BAD SAD THINGS, but medication is underway to counteract it.

 

I joked to the nurse than maybe I’ll be one of those “my blighted ovum just turned 4″ stories after all and she made a sympathetic, non-committal clucking noise that sounded very much to me like “oh, honey, that baby’s gone, but if that’s what you gotta tell yourself to make it through the day then I won’t argue.”

 

Oh Friday, how I long for your probity probeness. Obviously, there’s no denying the hope, now (which is sure to bite me and bad) but I’m just so tired of the gray. Of course, regardless of what we see on Friday, I’ll still be a mess, I’m sure.

Hope Contagious? February 29, 2012

So, DW’s office never called with Monday’s beta results. You’d think it wouldn’t really matter. It’s only the difference between dead and dying, right? end result will be the same. Except, the fact that I was clinging to SOME hope was never more real than at 6pm today when I realized they weren’t going to call and I really needed to know. Even though I keep saying I know and I keep saying it’s hopeless, I still take the prenatals and the baby aspirin and the prometrium. Damn I’m setting myself up for a fall. Oh Nora, if you make it through this, baby girl, you’re gonna give Ladybug a run for her money on the drama mama front. Hell, you already are!

The Plot, She Thickens February 27, 2012

DW called back. He admits it’s a Hail Mary, but wants me to do the prometrium, anyway until the follow-up ultrasound he had scheduled for Friday. He has not lost hope. How that’s possible, I do not know… But, I’ll let him hope enough for both of us. Oh Nora, you are a little drama queen, aren’t you?

Roller Coaster February 27, 2012

So, I got the call on my beta from Friday. 652. Six hundred and fifty two. It was 111 on 2/9. It should be in the thousands upon thousands at this point. the only number that would have given me ANY hope would have been above 10,000. 652. Don’t get me wrong, I KNEW it was over. But, part of me still wanted to hope for a miracle.

 

Progesterone was a whopping 6.8. It is falling fast.

 

Note to self: don’t read a bunch of “oh, my miscarriage was misdiagnosed, and even though there was no baby at 7w and beta numbers were falling I still ended up with a baby” bullshit stories on the internet… Fucking internet.

 

So, the nurse that called says that DW wrote me a progesterone scrip and wants a repeat ultrasound in a week. Really? I asked her point blank if she thought that was the right call given how low the numbers are. She said she thought maybe he wasn’t looking at the dates correctly and would call me back, or he would call me back. If there is any chance at all, I’ll do anything to save this thing, but… I still don’t think there’s a chance. This may sound bad, but I just don’t have it in me to deal with the drama of a touch and go pregnancy right now. It needs to either be or not be. I can handle that. Gray doesn’t work for me.