Hello Old Friend February 22, 2012

Raise your hand if you predicted my little sanguine attitude re: pregnancy #88,931 wasn’t gonna last.

 

** am assuming all hands are raised **

 

Yesterday I had myself convinced (CONVINCED) that the baby was dead. I am not nearly as nauseous as I’ve been at this point in other pregnancies. I am zombie-like tired, and for too long I’ve been parched of thirst and unable to quench it. But, I’m not nauseous “like I should be.” So, I convinced myself the baby was dead. I was certain we’d show up Friday morning for the u/s and find nothing but an empty sac or a small fetus with no heartbeat or a good sized fetus with a heartbeat in a tube. Of course, Friday isn’t here, yet and those things still may happen. I’m not as freaked as yesterday, but not feeling so laid back, either.

 

 

Hello Fear. I didn’t miss you.

 

Part of this is normal, right? Everyone goes through some level of worry about viability until a heartbeat is confirmed. Part of it is fear over starting in the OB’s office. I’ve already been told there won’t be bi-weekly u/s’s in the first tri. There will be no ultrasounds between Friday and the 20 week scan unless something is wrong, or I want to pay out of pocket for it. It is entirely possible there will be 2 maybe, 3 u/s’s during the entire pregnancy! WHAT?!?!?!? So, I’m a little nervous about that. And part of it is the fact that I’ve lost. I know that missed miscarriage can feel like everything is fine, when it isn’t. I really didn’t know Bean was gone until the scan. When I think back, sure maybe I was a little less tired and a smidgen less nauseous, but I thought it was normal moving into the second tri stuff. It didn’t occur to me that it was falling hcg levels…

 

Anyway, the peace is gone. I’m not nearly so freaked as I was yesterday, but Friday really could hurry up a little.

Really Great Week! February 10, 2012

Hiya! So, yeah, we’re having an awesome week over here in Mintaland. I mean, it’s a tired, nauseous, tired week, but… that totally kicks ass. Why is this week so great?

 

- Well there’s the whole SURPRISE you’re knocked up.

- Then there was the whole, and bleeding did not commence immediately upon seeing the second line (seriously, that has happened too many times).

- Then Lil G, precocious little genius that he is (I might be biased, but whatever, I think he’s a precocious little genius) decided he’s a potty man now. All the time. As in he WANTS to use the potty. He still has an accident or two a day, but they are accidents and he usually stops mid-stream and runs to the potty. Unfortunately, he’s still pooping in his nap diaper

- Also, my Etsy shop BLEW UP this week. As in I’ve done more revenue this week than I did last year. Yes, the whole year. There must have been some kind of news article about boobie beanies on Yahoo or something, because they sold like crazy for two days and I’m still getting a steady 5-6 a day being ordered. WOWSA!

- And, I did my taxes. Yay! G didn’t trust my itemization skillz but I was proven correct in the end. So, we’re getting enough of a return to pay off some debt, and maybe enough to fix up a little beater for G so we can be back to having 2 cars. Yay!!!

- Lastly, I figured out how to print postage at home. You would not believe how gigantically huge that is for me. I hate driving to ship stuff at night.

 

Great week. Awesome week.

 

(Results of first beta are back! HCG: 111, Progesterone: 24.1 Doctor drew a smiley face next to them according to the nurse I spoke with. Because I wasn’t tracking this cycle, I have no idea how many dpo we’re looking at…)

Oops I Did It Again February 9, 2012

I had this big long post all planned out for you guys. It was very interesting, too, if you want to read about my MIL and the hell it is to be her DIL. I also had this big long post drafted about feeling a little behind, getting lapped by my IF buddies. But, then I got sick. For like four days. And I couldn’t get enough sleep. And, frankly, I’d love to go back to bed right now, but I can’t because MUST CROCHET. (Small humans are asleep, I’m not putting crochet above their safety…)

 

Where was I? Oh, right… Sinus headache, yucky tummy, you know, just not feeling good. Everyone else? Yeah, they’re fine. Still… still… Oh shit!

 

That’s right folks, we’ve got news. News of the two line variety. News of the due date is October 15th variety!!!!!!!!!!!!! Provided we make it past 10 weeks.

 

Speaking of, I have to call my OB before the sleeping small humans wake up, lest the bedlam that is my life interfere with the phone call

Two Week Wait November 2, 2011

Yeah, that kind of 2WW. For real.

We have not been trying to prevent for almost a year. But… honestly, we haven’t been doing much in the way of timing. I haven’t been temping, or cervix checking (the FAR more reliable method of prediction for me) with any regularity and even when I did, we didn’t really put a lot of emphasis on doing the deed. We were doing the deed. Just not necessarily on the “right” days.

Until this month. This month we are having a “real” 2ww.

It is weird. Cool. But, weird. It’s nothing at all like the 2ww’s of the past. I’m losing track of DPO’s. I’m not obsessing over every twinge and tingle. I honestly didn’t even realize I was running a temperature until G pointed out that my cheeks are pink (no wine involved…).

My first pregnancy sign is usually running a 99.5-100.5 degree temp starting 5-6 dpo. My temp is 99.8 and it’s 5dpo.

Maybe this 2ww isn’t so different after all

Looking Back July 12, 2011

I accidentally clicked something earlier and all of my old pregnancy posts popped up, so I read though them. Even though I remember writing the words, it felt like I was reading someone else. I couldn’t identify with those feelings anymore. I don’t remember feeling so miserable or scared. I do remember being really pissed at my boss, and not wanting baby G to be premature, but not the terror over giving birth or fear of being a bad mother.

 

I wonder if this is a normal part of motherhood? If the hormones your body releases in response to the baby fuzzy up all of those memories and feelings to make you want to do it again? Maybe happiness just settles the heart? I don’t know. But, if anyone reading this is about-to-pop-pregnant and feeling petrified please read those old posts so you won’t feel alone. Then read this: IT WAS ALL CRAZY SILLY.

 

• I was scared of not being a good mother or of not being able to feel connected to the baby… Ridiculous. Baby G and I have a bond that grows stronger by the day, but the first second I saw him I knew he was my son and felt a completeness.

• I was scared of the birth… Bonkers. He had to come out. I labored for 24 hours to end up having a c-section. I made it through transition and within minutes of pushing, only to have a c-section. 23 hours of that labor were without any pain meds. I think I can speak for the worst of the pain other than pushing and for the c-section experience. I would do it again. I wouldn’t change a thing. If it meant having him here, healthy and alive I’d do it twice. Yes, it hurt. And being strapped down with no food? Sucked Ass. But, honestly, I don’t remember much of it. I remember a few contractions out of the hundreds. I remember a handful of moments of the whole experience. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have the perfect birth and don’t fear it too much. Be prepared to know what you want and how you want to handle a variety of situations, be ready to roll with the punches and make decisions on the fly and enjoy the process (however it presents to you). Most of what I remember are pleasant things, a nurse letting me take a shower, walking the halls with my mom (who I didn’t want to come and am SO GLAD she did), G sneaking me a Pepsi, G bringing me cup after cup of chicken broth (trust me, when you’re starving that shit is DELICIOUS) and Popsicles 2 at a time, and watching Alton Brown through contractions. Remember this: you will get through it. It will not hurt as bad as you think. You won’t remember much of it anyway.

• I was scared that everything would change and life would never be the same… Duh! Everything has changed and life is SOO different. And I LOVE IT! I made a lot of money when I worked. We could afford pretty much anything we wanted. We spent a lot of money. I thought I would totally miss being able to blow $700 on clothes without thinking about it or having a $100 romantic dinner just because. I don’t. I’m not saying there aren’t times when I don’t wish we’d have saved more and spent less so that we could take care of unexpected expenses, but I don’t miss that life. This life is so much better. Maybe your biggest change won’t be financial… maybe yours will be sleep or free time or hobby time. You might miss it now and again, but you wouldn’t trade it back. Trust me, this life is better. I love playing with him more than reading while getting drunk in the hot tub, more than having six closets full of clothes (OK, three), more than sleeping until noon on a Saturday, more than daily showers, more than not having to keep an ear open while having sex, more than knitting and crocheting combined and more than midnight Harry Potter premiers. (Keeping honest, I’m totally making this one, because, duh, it’s the last one, but I did miss Deathly Hallows pt 1. I didn’t see it for like 3 weeks because I didn’t want to leave the baby. Me! Miss a Harry Potter! That’s freakin’ love!)

OK, I hope that’s been helpful to anyone out there that’s way pregnant and scared to death. For the mums-to-born-children: I hope you enjoyed reliving that time and can appreciate the difference in who you are. For the good-fucking-God-why-can’t-I-get-pregnant-and-be-worried-about-this-shit-too crowd: I so hope you get pregnant so you can worry about this shit too really, really soon. For everyone else: why are you reading this blog? No, but seriously, leave me a comment and let me know who you are and what about this blog appeals to you. Everyone else can leave comments too (and please do, I’m a total attention whore like that, one comment saying I’m missed and you get three posts, AM WHORE).

An End is In Sight August 25, 2010

K, I’m  cheater and I’ve decided that even though this is about yesterday… it’s still “my day in great detail” so welcome to both an update AND day 25 of the 30 day blog journal.

So, I had a big day yesterday. I had an appointment with DW, then I got to come home and deal with plumbers, then I got to talk to a restoration company, then I made dinner (got shot down for sex anyway) and then I had to stick a bunch of pills up my cooter. Guess which part was the most fun?!?!?!

The hell? you ask.

Well, let’s start at the beginning. I woke up and took a shower, because you know, when doctors are going to be in your bits, the bits should be clean. While I was in the shower, G went to the basement. Probably to rub it in my face that he’s allowed up and down stairs and I’m not. But, he found a surprise down there… Standing water! Coming back up though the drain hole in the floor, and the old potty that doesn’t work in the corner. Gross!!! Because as we know water coming from those two places isn’t JUST water, it’s dunh, dunh, dunh… sewage. Eww! OK, I didn’t know that, but G kindly explained it to me.

So, he comes back upstairs and tells me not to freak and get my pressure all jacked up, but I need to not ask to be induced, because I need to come home and call plumbers and shit. To which I say, “fuck that, yo’ mama can let in the plumber, shiiit.” ‘Cause I am ghetto fab at 8am. So he’s all, “O-Kay, but I don’t think you fully grasp the situation down there.” But, we had no more time to argue. He had to go to work and I had to go the doctors office.

And, I did. But first, I needed an NST. Apparently, mah baybee knows how to hide his heart in my fat very effectively, because the poor nurse had to hold the doppler the whole time. Unfortunately, she rendered the contraction monitor useless, but I didn’t bitch about it, because he was being very assy and moving on her a lot. It took an hour to get 20 minutes of him on the monitor. It took 10 minutes to get 10 kicks. I tried explaining that 9:30am was playtime, and we’d be better off to do the AFI first, but I am only dumb patient, so I was overruled. After the NST I went over the u/s room for an AFI and his fluid was up to 10 from 8.5. So hunky dorrey there. Also of note, my BP was 113/89.

I was devastated. There was no way with yummy squirmy baby, and improved fluids and damn near normal BP readings that DW was going to induce me now. Motha Flipaship!

But… I headed up the musty old elevators anyway. I called G and told him the news and he was thrilled because “major plumbing emergency” blah, blah, blah… Then I peed in a cup, because that’s what I do at DW’s office. Then a nurse told me I looked like shit. Well, she actually might have said “Oh honey, you look tired” but I heard “Gee whiz, bitch, what’d you do? Sleep in a dumpster?” Then she dipped my pee and took my BP.Which was… 149/103. The fuck? She asked how I was feeling and I told her I was losing my mind in the bed and I was losing my identity and the days were running together, turns out she just wanted to know about headaches and blurred vision. So, I gave her the short story: yes and no.

Then DW came in, looked at my chart and said “let’s have a baby, get nekkid” and I was “oooh, finally somebody wants to do me” but he just wanted to check mt cervix. At this point I feel I should note: I was going to have a baby yesterday if only that bitch cervix would play ball. Obviously the fact that I’m writing that instead of, “look, shiny new baby” means that my cervix is a sell out whore. I don’t know how much G paid her to double cross me, but I’m going to make her pay…

Anyhoo, DW checked the cervix and while I was “a tad” dilated, she was long and firm. Which is kick ass awesome from weeks like 4-34. But she should now be ripening on her own. I think this assumption is based on ladies that are getting a steady supply of prostaglandins, this lady is not. So DW starts thinking out loud (still wrist deep in my snatch, BTW) about our options. I swear he was tickling the baby’s head, whatever he was doing, it hurt. He was saying things like “we need to find a good reason to deliver, but the cervix just isn’t favorable, but the BP is all over the map, but we don’t want to end up doing a c-section.” He then pulled his hand out of my cooch and recommended that I come back on Friday and do another NST and he’d check my cervix again. He also told me to try some techniques to help ripen my cervix, specifically Evening Primrose oil taken orally and poon-erly. As I can’t exactly put the cervix in a paper bag on the counter, like a pear (yes, I envision my cervix as a rock hard pear), I had to come home and google additional ways to ripen it.

I did stop and get the EPO and some new lip balm. Unfortunately, lip balm had lanolin in it and yeah, now my lips itch and the skin is peeling off! Fucking lanolin!

Then I came home and had to call the plumber. The plumber got there in like 40 minutes! Hooray. And he was nice! And he fixed my slow running tub, and, you know, the problem causing the sewage in the basement for only like $300. The plumber kicked ass. Apparently, we had tree roots in the main drain. I don’t know how that’s possible, but, ’tis what he said. He cleaned up his mess and called a lady who specializes in this kind of clean up for me. Again, hooray plumber!

Then I had to call G with an update. He was not so pleased with having a cleanup specialist come by. So, he came up with a Plan B and Plan C and stressed my shit out calling me every few minutes to talk about it. Grrr… Yeah, I did not want to deal with it anymore for another hour until the lady came. Turns out the situation down there was not as bad as I was envisioning and but the restoration chick wants $1,700 up front, and requires a bunch of work after the fact to replace the carpet. So, now, G is going to do the cleanup himself. But, the restoration lady stayed a long time and put on a strong sales pitch.

Then I made dinner when she left. It was OK. G really liked it. So, I mentioned that I did some research on cervix ripening and I need to bathe the cervix in prostaglandins and he happened to have a very good source of prostaglandins and oxytocin. He decided to go shopping instead. Ouch! Shot down.

So, I got out the breast pump for a Plan B. Because you know breast pump, sex, same diff, right?

Then my Mom called to talk about my sisters shower. So I told her how I’d have the cake, diaper cake and my presents etc… delivered Thursday night or Friday morning. Apparently she also is unaware that PIH/Pre-eclampsia are not just for fat people. I had to remind her that what I have used to be called toxemia and she had it with me and she was not this fat, so this is not a direct result of my being too fat to have a baby.

Then G came back from shopping and I proposed getting fresh again… but unfortunately he was not game. Apparently my pregnant ass grosses him out and he’s not interested in actual sex with me. Whatever… I have more to say, but won’t because I’m just ragging because my feelings are hurt.

Deciding that I still needed to get some prostaglandins on my cervix I stuck three Evening Primrose Oil pills up my pillbox and went to bed.

The Rest Continues August 23, 2010

Blah…

That is how I’m feeling right now. I haven’t been off of my ass all day, and yet, I’m yawning. G is being very super supportive, but I am beginning to lose my mind. I have never gone so long without an agenda. Right now I’m in limbo. I’m living in this gray area between two lives, and I’m not allowed to do anything!

I’m sure once Baby G is here I’ll be wishing for one more day of rest to stock up for the long nights and endless crying, but right now it feels so pointless. I would be fine with being home if I could do stuff (like: wash diapers, clean, cook dinner and/or run up to the diaper store for more covers). But as it is I’m laying about, too bored to watch TV, nothing interesting to blog about and unable to do anything to prepare.

I think I’m going to ask DW to induce tomorrow, even if he’s cool with putting it off another week. I don’t see the point in waiting until I’m so sick that it starts affecting Baby G and the longer we wait the more likely it is I’ll need a C-section because I’ll be too ill to handle the rigors of vaginal birth. Plus… I’m just done. All I do is worry. Is he OK, am I OK, are things going to be OK when he’s out here?

I should shut up. No one wants to here the poor pregnant infertile moaning about being pregnant. I’m just very worried, and feel like it’s finally better for him to be out than in.

Week in Review 37 August 20, 2010

How far along? 37w0d – FULL TERM!!!!

Maternity clothes? Guess what… when you don’t care about a little poking out in the middle, you can wear so many more clothes! I’m in my normal jammies. Normal, not pregnant jammies.

Body Oddities? Weight goes up…. weight goes down….

Sleep? Eh… it was good while it lasted. Back to tossing and turning and worrying about my fecker boss and his games all night.

Best moment this week? Not getting induced! Oh, wait, I had SEX this week! Yeah, the SEX was better. It wouldn’t have happened without the not getting induced, but still yeah, that was the best moment this week.

Worst moment? Realizing that my boss really is going to continue to withhold my pay for time worked until I get a lawyer and sue his ass. That’s really stressful, especially when you’re 9 months pregnant.

Movement? Lighter, but still there.

Food cravings? I have no appetite. Everything sounds gross. Except mac-n-cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. Even my beloved BD’s made me sick this week.

Rings? With the new hand/face edema being constant, the ring is off

Intense Dreams? I did have some crazy dreams about this house that was full of hidden rooms and it had all kinds of cool stuff in it, but it kept changing and I could never find my way back to the rooms I liked. One of the rooms was a bathroom with a walk in tub that got deeper like a swimming pool and had jets and faucets all around the sides and was really, really cool. And there were like three attics that were not connected to each other.

Medical Concerns? High BP, borderline low amniotic fluid

What I miss? Feeling human, being able to roll over in the bed, sleeping on my back, sleeping, cooking, home cooked meals, wanting to eat, lots of stuff, but it will all be worth it very soon.

What I look forward to: This time next week, but for real this time…

Emotional State? Tired. I don’t really feel stressed anymore. The work stuff is pissing me off, but not really stressing me out, and we pretty much prepped for Wednesday to be the day, so I don’t feel unprepared anymore, either. Just ready. Tired and ready to have this baby and move on to the next chapter.

I Got the Blues August 20, 2010

OK, I am on doctors orders to “rest as much as possible” and to “lie down with feet up for the majority of the day.” It is unofficial bed rest or modified bed rest. I don’t have to time my showers, and I’m not under order to not get myself a snack/drink. So, it’s not like I really have it all of that tough. I definitely feel bad for those on real no-shit bed rest that have to use a bed pan or bedside potty or be in the hospital.

But, I am me, so I’m going to whine anyway. Because I’m lying here, following doctors orders, wishing like hell I could be cleaning my house. Nothing major, it’s not like my house is “dirty.” Just a little “messy” as happens when life continues on and half of the maid service is confined to rest. The bad thing is, I’m starting to think “I could get up and clean for 30 minutes, it would make a huge difference and no one would know (in time to stop me) and I would feel less stressed, so it would be better than just lying here moaning about it.” And, maybe I could get up and straighten the house for 30 minutes without my BP climbing or anything bad happening. But… that’s a slippery slope.I know me, and I know that 30 minutes of light straightening today will turn into an hour of dusting and straightening tomorrow, which will turn into moving a box and running the sweeper the next day. I will continue to add more until I do hit my limit and stroke out, or you know, just get my pressure too high and wind up in L&D getting a lecture and a pitocin drip.

On the other hand… there’s hair gel on my side table and G’s change jar is on the coffee table and my photo books are EVERYWHERE (Little C loves to look at pictures) and the breast pump box is still on the floor next to my squashy chair and there’s a drill battery charging on the living room floor.

Maybe I should just move back to the bedroom where I can’t see all of this mess. (OK, yes, that really is all that’s out of place and driving me crazy right now, but… as soon as I move it, I’ll see more. I really enjoy a tidy house, which I understand will really need to be brought down a notch when Baby G gets here, maybe this is just practice?)

Still Here August 18, 2010

Still pregnant. Which is good.

Here’s the scoop:

- BP down to 149/96. Which is JUST under Dr W’s induce now threshold.

- Fluid is on the low side of normal. Normal being 5-25, mine is 8.5.

- He ordered an AFI (fluid check) and NST for next week, after which I am to come see him.

- He says we are taking this week by week, day by day.

- He is calling game over for any of the following between now and then:

• Any headache that’s bad enough to take Tylenol and Tylenol does not help.
• Any gallbladder type pain that takes my breath.
• Any headache with nausea that doesn’t resolve within an hour of lying down.
• If my bottom BP number goes over 100 or the top goes over 150 AND the bottom is over 90.

- I lost seven of the eleven pounds that I gained last week. Taking my total gain to 17 pounds.

So, that’s the medical haps.

Also, thank you guys so much for being so kind regarding my meltdown. I really needed some encouragement on that. I literally felt crazy.

In work related news, I still have not received my pay stub. So, I sent a final status on all of my projects and sent my boss an e-mail explaining that I can’t continue to perform work for the company while on medical leave while he was playing these games. I also expressed that I felt his actions were bordering on hostile. I am filing a complaint with the State of Ohio tomorrow. At this point, I’m not worrying about it any more. We transferred the money from savings that we need to pay bills this week and we’ll worry about the rest as we need to later. I hate to bite into our safety net so soon, but when your boss illegally withholds your salary, that’s kind of what the net was there for. I did send e-mails to my co-workers letting them know that I am officially on leave and thanking them for being so supportive.

Well, that is all for now. I am going to go to bed and sleep until I wake up!