Funnies May 12, 2011

OK, I had to interrupt the scheduled bitching (oh, yes, there’s more bitching to come) to bring you the funnies of my day

#1 Conversation between me and Lil C over lunch. Backstory, Uncle G took Lil C to Dick’s Sporting Goods store last Friday.

LC: Can we go to Dick’s house?

Me (having not put 2 & 2 together yet): I don’t know Dick, honey, maybe you can ask your Mommy…

LC: But that’s where my tents are!

Me (aha!): You mean Dick’s at the mall?

LC: Yes!

Me: I can’t go to Dick’s, honey.

LC: Because Uncle G took your car to work?

Me: No, because I’m a girl.

LC: … … … Girls are afraid of Dick’s?

Me: Deathly.

Bwahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!

#2 Conversation between me & G regarding Baby G’s bedtime diaper:

G: Get him a diaper and jammies and I’ll get him ready for bed.

Me: OK!!!! Shit, all his covers are in the dryer! Here, I’ll get you a disposable.

G: What? You trained me on the cotton ones, I don’t know what to do with that!

He can no longer claim he doesn’t know what to do with “the cotton ones” now, though

Ways in Which I Suck September 27, 2010

TIME MANAGEMENT!

But, we all knew that already.

Sorry, I have been a piss poor poster since Baby G has come home. I could be an ass and blame the baby, but let’s face it, he sleeps a huge chunk of the day away… Mostly, it’s just me being lazy when he’s asleep. I have gotten some of my personal stuff under control, including keeping the house decently clean, so I guess I’m not being THAT lazy, but somewhat lazy. My farm and frontier have also been suffering (Yes, I do play Facebook games.) To be completely honest, I have a hard time putting him down. I don’t want to. I want to just stare at him all the time. Of course, I regret this come playtime when I am drag-ass tired from sitting up holding a sleeping baby when he was napping and I could have been napping as well.

In big news this week, I officially resigned from my job. I am a stay at home mother now. My dream job. I feel guilty as shit every day when my husband has to leave for work at freaking way-too-early-o’clock, and I know good and darn well that baby and I might be in bed until 10am. Mind you, we are usually going to bed at 11pm and I am up about 3 hours between 11p and 10a nursing/changing/generally caring for Baby G (meaning in 11 hours I’m getting 8 hours of broken sleep) and I do attempt to prevent the baby from waking G. So, it’s not quite as bad as I feel. But, I do feel guilty that my husband busts his ass at work while I get to stay home with the baby. Because while it is hard work, it is so awesome I can’t complain about my job.

Which I think is part of the lack of posting (and subsequent FB game neglect). I’m not at a job that I don’t love anymore. Part of my super posting was that I was truly over my job (meaning: my boss) and I used blogging and FB games as an escape. Also, I was pretty miserable about the Womb of Doom and right now… this very second… not feeling so miserable about it. I do realize that if there is to be a #2 that will be hard and may involve more loss and I do still mourn my angels, perhaps even more so, now.

Now that I KNOW the feeling of mothering a living child, the losses hurt deeper. When I look at Baby G I do wonder if Bean would have had the same eyes, or if he would have had a sibling with the same golden hair. I mostly wonder about Bean and how he would have looked, and if he would have been such a good baby, too.

Speaking of such a good baby… Baby G hardly cries. The average for a 4 week old is something like 90 minutes a day. We’re having a “bad” day if he cries 30 minutes total. Five continuous minutes of crying happen only when he’s gotten out of the bath. He loves to take his bath, but hates the cold of getting out of the bath, and lotion is from the devil. But… he often sleeps 3-4 straight hours on bath night, so the ritual remains! Also, he needs to be cleaned and hydrated, because he’s dry like Mommy. (Mommy is ME! I am still in awe.) In addition to being dry, he is also growing like a weed. Seriously, he went from newborn to 3 month old (not literally, obviously) overnight. He looks like a big ol’ plump infant these days. But, some of his newborn clothes still fit (but some don’t… which makes me sad). He has great head control and can swat  a toy on purpose and I’m so proud of his bad ass skills, and am overcome with grief at how quickly he’s developing.

We only get one shot at babyhood and I don’t want it to fly by so fast. But, I am powerless to stop it.

Tuesdays are for Meltdowns August 18, 2010

Right, then. I am insane. It is official.

Tonight, I acted like a right loon over nothing. Well, not nothing. But nothing to be acting like a loon over. Apparently the stress has bottled up and chose to release itself quite inconveniently all over G. The one person who’s been there 100%. The man busted his ass all weekend, and I yelled at him over one load of laundry not being done. Because: AM BITCH.

What happened? Well, it started with my dad calling. He asked about me & the baby, but he seemed to have more on his mind. And, he did. He really wanted to talk about whether I thought it was a good idea for him to move in with my mother while he finished school because he was having a hard time making it to school on time because of work and he can’t miss many more days or he’ll be kicked out. Because right now, I need to be worrying about his stress, too. Don’t get me wrong, I care. I care too much is the problem. I worry about my dad. He’s not in very good health, he’s not in very good shape financially, and he’s not very good with discipline and keeping his shit together. So, anyway, I talked to him about his issues. Because that’s what I do.

While I was talking to him, G was getting frustrated, because he had bought me ice cream, that I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t paying him my undivided attention.

So, when we got home, G made a snarky comment about me being on the phone, the pug got under the bed (because the gate wasn’t closed…), I found that she had torn up one of my new chair pads and I spilled my melted ice cream (that I really wanted) all over my birthing class papers.

I Fucking Lost It.

I cried, I screamed, I tried to beat the pug with her leash (she ran under the bed). This is NOT my normal behavior. I completely went psycho. I told G it was all his fault for making the snarky comment, which started the snowball effect. Then I cried some more, until I puked.

I am not proud of this behavior. I do not approve of it at all. I had no control. Seriously, none. I was like a lunatic pulling at my hair, scratching at my face and screaming/crying. NO CONTROL. Scary.

Now I’m all better (besides feeling foolish for behaving that way) and can see that the things that felt so monumental at the time (I really wanted that ice cream) were quite small. But at the time? You’d have thought the house fell down.

So, for the second Tuesday in a row, I’ve behaved like a loon and it’s getting worse. If I make it to next Tuesday expect a change to a full on werewolf or harpy or something…

*******************************

For the record, I’m pretty sure underlying stress was the culprit… you know little things like:

- My boss is illegally withholding my paycheck for no reason and refusing to discuss it with me.

- I have a lot of work that I feel responsible to get done before I leave (potentially for ever) but also feel like I should not do this work, because I haven’t been paid in 20 days.

- I do not feel ready to have this baby.

- I repeat, I do NOT feel ready to have this baby.

- That pug is really going to have to go.

Random Updates August 16, 2010

Finally heard from my mother last night. We did talk for about an hour and she is working on Baby G’s curtains right now. So, there’s that.

Still haven’t gotten my paystub for work, so it’s looking like I’m going to have Baby G before I get paid. Which is BULLSHIT. But, again, I’m too concerned with getting baby out safely to fight with them and play their games.

Getting ready to hop in the shower for the pre-induction ultrasound. I haven’t heard otherwise from Dr. W, so it seems that we are still on track for waiting until Wednesday to make the decision. My cheeks are hot, which usually means my BP is up

Feeling pretty funk overall. I did get about two hours worth of work done today. Hopefully it will be enough, because I feel pretty shitty. Not that it matters, because anybody off the street can do what I do… Yes, this was really said to one of my co-workers by my boss who COMPLETELY undervalues the report writing portion of my job. Dick.

G is still being a rockstar. I love that man. He’s been doing such a good job of taking care of us.

A Change in Tone August 14, 2010

I’m still here. I’m still pissed about mother and work. But, this is not why I write this afternoon.

I write this afternoon to tell you all of my wonderful hubs. I woke up this morning to the yard mowed, the dogs at the groomer and the car cooled off (it’s HAWT here) so we could go to breakfast. Before 9:30am this man had already done half a days work.

We then went to the car wash, where I piddled about going through receipts and what not and he SWEATED HIS ASS OFF cleaning my car inside and out so that the Baby G would come home in a clean ride. He then reinstalled Little C’s carseat (after removing the cover, which is now in the washing machine).

When we got home he started a wash load of heavy duty dirty stuff and right now it sounds like he’s putting dishes away.

I love this man.

The Bittersweet July 11, 2010

I received a Facebook friend request from a girl I’ve known since the third grade this week. She has a daughter who was born in 1997. This freaked G’s shit out. He just couldn’t believe that someone our age could have a teenager! Then I reminded him of two things:

- We lost a baby in 1995. (S)He would be 14 right now.

AND

- He is the same age now that our parents were when we met. I was 13 and he was 17.

I finally told him the whole story behind that first miscarriage, and we pondered over how different life would have been. We both agree that while it sucks that the baby died, it probably was better for us in the long run. Somehow, that makes it worse.

I always thought that finally having a baby would take some of the sting from the losses. Somehow, they’d become “worth it” because they’d have been necessary in order for this life to have been achieved. Maybe that will still happen. Maybe that’s something that magically comes when looking in the baby’s eyes for the first time or something? I tend to think not, though. I tend to think I was wrong, and it will always be like this. Maybe, there will always be part of me that wishes I could look into our alternate lives and see what would have been.

In other news… Baby G is kicking and playing and making my tum move all day long. He woke me up last night kicking at me. Also, Daddy G has been much more patient with waiting for his kicks since he’s been able to feel and see them more and more this week. We have a little bonding almost every night when he talks to the baby and feels him move around. Seriously, the.best.feeling.ever.   ever.

The Haps June 7, 2010

So, “vacation” has come and gone and guess what? It ain’t coming back. I’m still pretty bummed about it. Mostly because I was SO looking forward to that last jaunt as us before becoming “US.” But, whatever, I need to get the fuck over it. What else is going on? Glad you asked!

• Mamaw: Actually showing signs of improvement! Huge shocker. She’s still not out of the woods. But… there are positive signs. I am a giant pussy and have not been to the hospital. Two reasons. 1) I hold my uncle who mistreated her responsible, and he’s there a lot and I won’t be able to not say something (I’m sure you’d have never guessed that from reading this blog) and 2) I’m afraid of getting too involved and the stress it will add. Selfish, I know. But, I’m kind of doing the self preservation thing right now.
• Hubs: Still has pins sticking out of his hand.  I still have to clean them every other day. He still hates it when I clean them. Apparently, my lack of occupational therapy training makes my cleanings sub-par. Go figure. The incision is healed, though! He is back at work as of today, on light duty. After speaking with a lawyer and discussing it last night, he has decided to take it up the ass on the vacation thing (they have taken his vacation towards his worker’s comp time, bastards) in order to not make waves. He assures me that he has confirmation that this WILL NOT affect his paternity leave. He also has confirmation that he will receive his worker’s comp payments for the 14 days he was off recovering. Well, you know the first 14 days of recovery. He is still recovering. There are pins sicking out of his hand, afterall.
• Work: On count down! I’m outta here in 86 days. Which is actually closer to 62 working days! On my mother’s advice I will be staying technically employed until after my maternity leave. But, am so looking forward to days with my baby. And, am so grateful for a hubs who wants to be able to provide that opportunity to me and the baby. In the face of the greater things to come, I’m not really worried about the small stuff anymore.
• Family: My brother had a date this weekend!!! First a job, now a date, I’m so happy I could do backflips! My Dad seems to be doing better with his depression. He is putting himself through nursing school (and thus is broke) so, since G and I can’t take care of the lawn right now, I’ve offered to pay him for the service (he does often talk about starting a handyman business, so this is also encouraging his business). He has spent every penny that I’ve paid him on stuff for Lil G and my sister’s daughter. Every penny.
• Big C: Was somewhat better and also somewhat worse this weekend. He bit my head off for asking (JOKINGLY) if he needed help with his cake and ice cream at a birthday party (you know, as in, can I eat it for you… he took it as did he need me to feed him, I guess?). He also snapped at me and his brother while he was fishing because Little C wanted to hold a worm and was in his way or something to that effect (mostly what he said was “Little C(eeeeeeeeeeeee) stop it, Minta can’t you make him stop, UGH!” But not an hour later when he wanted someone to time his handstands (the boy is allergic to having both feet on the ground at the same time) he told his mother that she doesn’t do it right and she should do it like Minta. Her response: “Minta’s right there, have her do it if you like her way better.” He did. And he listened to my pointers and he got his longest hold yet (almost 8 seconds!). And when I clapped and celebrated he looked at her and said “Well…” she didn’t get it. I was asleep when they left, but G says he kissed my head. So, he’s giving me whiplash. But, he’s under a lot of stress right now. So, again, patience, consistency, love the shit out of him and hope he comes ’round.
• Little C: Of the children under 5 at yesterday’s birthday party Little C was…. the BEST BEHAVED!!! This has never happened before. H constantly tried to steal his scooter. She threw a rock at another cousins head and was generally a terror. Little C had one meltdown, and when I asked him what was the matter he said “I want to eat dinner.” So, I got him a plate of food and like magic, sweet boy came back! No fighting, no hitting, no pushing, minimal whining and minimal crying. It was something like a summer miracle. I was so proud. I’m getting all teary just thinking about it!   One more big ol’ plus for the little guy, no accidents! He peed in the pond twice (with permission), but not a drop in his pants!
• G’s Family: All of my pride and all of the boys’ good behavior did not save me from judgment from G’s family. After all, no matter how good the kids are, I’m still flawed (I let them play too close to the water (the shallow pond with a good 5 feet of 1-2 foot water near the shoreline that was 20 feet from where I was standing… and also one of the children swims like a fish… so really it was Little C that needed a close eye… not that I would let either play unattended near water, hence the me standing nearby), also when Little C was still hungry and back talking I didn’t cow tail to his every demand and even told him that Aunt Minta would not get him more food until he asked nicely (yes, I am evil). So, yeah, I got a few dirty looks and lots of comments about starving children and how much they hoped the boys didn’t drown (this must happen on dry land a lot, cause neither boy was in the water).) I was also judged for having not gained any weight. G’s response to all of this? “Forget them, you see how their kids turned out now their grand-kids are going to be twice as bad, and they’re just jealous because they got fat as pigs when pregnant.” He also said at one point that he didn’t care what his aunts thought, we had the best kids at the party. I love my hubs.
• The house: My living room has been transformed! It was a maze of boxes surrounding a couch and a chair and now? It’s a living room! Complete with floor space. Don’t get me wrong, I had been chunking away at the boxes little by little. But Saturday morning G got possessed by a nesting bug and ALL of the boxes disappeared! Some of them to the basement, but whatever, they are now organized and not in my living room. I’m so happy I feel like cooking again! Now, to work on getting that portable dishwasher!

OK, all done. (I better be, right? That was like a weeks worth of words!)

A Monday Type List March 29, 2010

OK, in a rush and not too much to say anyway…

- Moving: 85% done. Small stuff left. Was not allowed to lift anything all weekend. Felt like a great lump. But, GO G!!! That man deserves a medal.

- Work: Sucks so much ass. Cannot wait to leave this place.

- House: So much to do. So much money to spend, gah!

- Pregnancy: Nothing new to report. Very busy over the weekend, baby not very active over the weekend. Kind of worried about the effects of moving stress on bebe. Trying not to worry about it. I’m only 16 weeks. Most women don’t feel the first movement until 18-20 weeks. Not feeling doesn’t mean anything right now… Wash, rinse and repeat.

The Doppler Came March 5, 2010

Well, folks, I’ve decided to push the BS of my family drama out of my head for a bit, so I ordered a doppler. Now being roughly the size of a young orca and being only 13 weeks pregnant, I didn’t really expect to hear anything, yet. But, I was so hoping.

So, I picked it up from the post office yesterday morning, and it sat in my car ALL DAY. It was a long day. But finally, I got to go home and get ready to try it out. I laid down on the bed, gooped up the end of the probe and started searching, and searching, and searching. I tried pushing harder, not pushing harder. I tried moving my fat, I tried going through the fat. I found my heartbeat in my hip, but nothing like the speed racer heartbeat that we heard at the RE’s office. SO BUMMED.

Then… G came in and wanted to give it a go. Literally, it took him 15 seconds and he found it. Right where I had been looking. “It’s all in the angle” says the man who didn’t even know what a doppler was before I had brought this one home. I tried again, nothing. He tried again, instant. Mother Fucker! That’s right, we have a Daddy’s boy/girl on our hands here, folks! We laughed a little about the baby preferring G and listened for a little while longer, we both cried, of course. It was magic. Pure magic. I can’t imagine going back to not being able to hear it.

* Side Note: I was able to find it myself this morning. It took me a lot longer than it took him, but I did find it. This morning the baby must have been moving, though, because it would get really loud, then quieter, like (s)he moved further away, then loud again. Magic.

Loving the Hubs Anniversary Edition February 11, 2010

Today is my and G’s 10th wedding anniversary. Amazing! So, in honor of 10 years of marriage, I thought I’d list 10 things I love about or am grateful for the hubs.

- I love that he’s a snuggler. He’s all about touch.

- I love that he is so protective of his family.

- I’m grateful that he helps out around the house.

- I love the soft skin on the back of his hand.

- I love that after 10 years of marriage, 17 years together and significant changes to both of our bodies he still gets worked up if I change into my jammies in front of him.

- I love that I am the only woman he has been with, and that he is the only man I have been with.

- I’m grateful that he tells me how much he loves me many times a day.

- I love that he wants to have a baby with me.

- I love that when he’s asleep or playing with the C’s you can clearly see the five-year old inside of him trying to get out.

- I love that he never leaves the house without giving me a kiss.

He’s a good man and I love him. I hope we get at least 10 more anniversaries together.