One of my friends from childhood, with whom I stay in contact, had a miscarriage this week. I feel terribly for her. Thinking about her and her experiences this week has reminded me of all the insanely stupid things fertile people say when they learn of either a miscarriage or other infertility issues. For this reason, I’m posting a guide of shit not to say to a woman who’s just lost a child, and the response they should give you if you’re stupid enough to say any of the following things. This also applies to general infertility as well…
1) It just wasn’t meant to be: So, in effect you’re saying that all of the pregnancies that end in abortion were meant to be. All of the children born into abusive homes and bad family situations, they were meant to be. You were meant to be, but the thing I wanted and loved above all else in the world wasn’t meant to be. I don’t think I want to talk to you anymore.
2) God has a plan or It’s in God’s hands, or anything else insinuating God doesn’t want you to have a baby: Translation… God wanted my baby to die? God doesn’t think I’d be a good mother, but the abortions and abused children they are God’s plan? You must worship a different God than I do…
3) You’ll get pregnant again, or it’ll happen, just wait: I don’t want to get pregnant again, I want my baby, the one who’s precious little life has ended far too soon. It’s not like a puppy, you can’t just go get another one. There is not replacement for the one that died.
4) At least you weren’t further along: What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Seriously. My baby was somehow less of a baby because he/she was only 10 weeks gestation instead of 20? Without a doubt it’s much harder to deal with a miscarriage after you’ve heard the heartbeat, but seriously, do babies get more real somehow as they get bigger? Just because you didn’t love and care for and feel it growing doesn’t mean I didn’t, asshole.
OK, that is my reaction to these comments, although from speaking with others in similar situations, I can say I do not stand alone in feeling this way… So what do you say to a woman who’s precious child has died before she’s even had the chance to hold him/her?
“Wow, I am so sorry. I know there is nothing I can do to erase the pain of losing a child, but if you need anything, I’m here for you. If you want to talk, I’m glad to listen, and if you don’t, that’s OK, too. I am so sorry”