Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Do you like to do it yourself? March 13, 2009

Filed under: Clomid Round 2,Infertility — arminta @ 8:06 pm

So, I have several rather disconnected things on my mind tonight. For starters, I’ve turned the Facebook link back off. It’s just too exposing. The whole purpose of the blog is to be able to be open and relatively anonymous. Since Facebook doesn’t let me pick and choose what to bring over, I guess I’ll have to do it myself. (A phrase which ALWAYS make me think of Elizabeth Banks in The 40 Year Old Virgin.) Don’t get me wrong, I want to keep my RL friends apprised of what’s going on, but I just can’t deal with my hubs buddies knowing that my ovaries hurt when I poo.

Speaking of… my ovaries hurt when I poo! For realz! I think one of them may actually explode during ovulation. Wanna know something else? As long as I get knocked up, I think I’d be OK with that just to ease some of the pressure. I guess this should be a good thing, right? The follies are growing and what not.

I hope all of the follicles are coming along nicely. It’s funny because, in my heart of hearts, I want twins. I’ve wanted twins for my entire life. Twins are a big deal in my family because we have many pairs, but few who both survived. My Dad is a twin, but his brother Larry died when they were less than one year old. Big C is a twin, but his twin was ectopic. My Gran was always pro-twin, and I think she has a lot to do with my always wanting twins. She used to talk about how twins run in the family and she said she hoped for twin great grand children. She almost (and I am NOT talking bad in any way about my Gran, who is a saint and whom I love dearly and miss daily) gave her twin desire to me as a responsibility. As if it were my destiny to deliver twin great grand-children to her. Now, she never said anything like that outright, but she also never had to. she was clearly disappointed when G and I had issues, because to her mind, I should have provided her first great grand-children and there should have been two. So, when my sister went first she wasn’t happy about it until Big C was here (then she was in love him through and through). Then lots of my cousins started having babies, even some of the “younger” cousins, and while Gran was always happy about the babies, I always felt she was somehow disappointed in my lack of ability to “keep up.” When her great niece had twins (using Clomid) she immediately called me to tell me to see the girls doctor. This was before G and I had even considered seeing a fertility specialist. I had my last miscarriage shortly after my Gran passed. The last words I said to her before she died were that I was pregnant (and she was the only person I told). She died the next morning. On the one hand, I know this isn’t the case, but on the other I have to wonder… could she have been hanging on for her twins? All of that to say, with four follicles that twin hope is back. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be ecstatic, jumping up and down praising the Lord from the highest tower if one healthy baby is the result of this madness. But… there could be two.

Well, I’m in a pickle, I’ve got so much more on my mind, and yet this post is so long already. You don’t mind a little more rambling do ya? I didn’t think so…

The other thing on my mind is my friend P. She’s just had a baby a few weeks ago and like a complete as.shole I’ve not been to see her or the baby, yet. Now, she’s a fellow IF’er, so she said in advance she’d understand if I had issues with being that close to a new baby. Truthfully, though, that wasn’t it at all. I got sick. One sore throat and fever after another for four weeks. I have no immune system, and I thought I might have lymphoma, so I really didn’t bi.tch about it too much. But, I pretty much spent all of February sick. Then since then, I’ve felt more like it’s too late. Or I’ve missed my chance to do the right thing and see her (mind you, when I realized I was going to be sick a while, I sent flowers and e-mails). I feel like calling is an imposition and coming over will be inconvenient to her, but she’ll say that it isn’t to humor me. So, either I’m right, in which case we aren’t as good as friends as I though we were. Alternatively, I’m right and I’m just a needy, pathetic thing who is being an as.shole. I don’t know which is worse. Of course, the most likely scenario is that I’m crazy and am projecting my own low self worth onto other people. I feel really badly because I really love her, but I’m not sure how to get things back to normal after being absent when I should not have been.

See, this is why I don’t open up to many RL friends, and why I had to turn off the Facebook link once and for all.

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