My office moved to a new building this winter. So, for the last nearly five months the view from my window has essentially been a dirt pit. Today there is grass and boxwood and holly. The landscapers came this morning. In the space of four hours they completely transformed the front of the building. It’s the same little patch of earth, but now it’s different.
That has me thinking of my life this spring. So many things are the same, but now different. I am struggling with a couple of different aspects of life and pregnancy and feel rather like an island to myself right now. I’m neither a part of the infertility world, nor the fertile world. I didn’t expect this at all. I guess I expected to feel more like part of both worlds than neither. So, I’m the same infertile me, with some pregnancy induced landscaping (this is both metaphorical, and a reference to the need for more frequent waxing over the past few weeks).
The other area of struggle at present is the ever soul draining mother-in-law. I’m telling you, this woman doesn’t know how to be happy and is incapable of thinking of anyone but herself. That sounds harsh, I know. But trust me when I say to you that it’s so true. It’s a huge big deal that G has been confronting his mother on a number of issues lately. The point of contention seems to be me (surprise!). I’m not good enough, my family and I have some sort of conspiracy against her, I’ve been badmouthing her family and apparently I’ve been getting her blood pressure up and last but not least, G and I are both bi-polar. I suspect that she’s jealous of the baby. Frankly, I’d be quite glad if she dropped out of our lives; however, this is killing G. He feels torn between wanting his mother to be a part of his and his child’s lives and protecting his family (i.e. me and baby) from a vicious predator (i.e. MIL). He just wants some normalcy and peace. I can’t blame him. I want some normalcy and peace, too. I’m tired of nasty voicemail messages and G feeling like he has to keep stuff a secret or I will get stressed and will lose the baby. The worst part is that is what G thinks. He thinks she’s trying to cause stress so that I will lose the baby. He’s probably right. Naturally, I’m not letting myself get stressed over this and I’m doing everything I can to keep his stress low, too, but it’s kind of hard when I have no control over the outside force that’s causing the stress. I’m just so sick of the drama.