I don’t know why, but I thought that if I ever were to get pregnant I’d develop a fertiles mind. Not that I’d lose the perspective of the journey, or enjoy the success any less. More that I thought that pregnancies and babies that were not result of so much struggle and hard work would have less of a negative impact on me. I thought I’d be more capable of being happy for the non-infertiles.
Why I thought this would happen magically and all on its own is beyond me. I have no idea. Obviously, that isn’t the way it works. Infertility is part of who I am now. I’m not sure that I like that. When I hear of my cousins having babies, I don’t think “Yay! Another baby in the family.” I think “Why her? Why does she get to have as many as she wants and I’m struggling for one?” Even here in the throws of all day sickness nausea, when other infertiles are asking the same question in reference to me (and I don’t know… I wish we all had success, I wish we were all pregnant and I hope this is your last cycle and you get pregnant, really I do). When I see movies with miscarriage & infertility, it still affects me more than others. It still affects my husband more than it should (he got too upset to watch Marley & Me because of the miscarriage in the beginning).
So, I guess I’m feeling a little surprised today that while I’m almost there (not counting myself as arrived until baby is snuggly in arms) in terms of success, I still seem to be in the infertility trenches.