Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

WTF Meeting Results May 29, 2009

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:02 pm

So, today, I thought I was going up into the stirrups and being checked for physical healing, but no. It was the WTF meeting. I’m kind of glad that I’m seeing more of Dr G right now, he’s a lot more comforting than Dr Wonderful. Dr W is great getting down to business and making action plans, but Dr G is better at the comforting.

So, Dr G asked about pain and if I could pee etc… and declared me fit to resume normal activity (the hubs will be delighted). He then moved straight to the what happened and where do we go from here. There was an annoying intern in the room who was bouncing his knees like crazy, but whatever. I managed to tune him out. So, I supposed you want to know the verdict…

What Happened: Baby was fine, no apparent structural abnormalities. We did not allow any testing on the baby, so no way to tell if there were chromosomal abnormalities, but probably not. So, because of this and the fact that it looked more like the placenta detached or broke away he’s leaning more toward believing it was in fact my body that rejected the baby, and not a problem with the baby. So, which problem with my body? Well… not the auto-immune. He thinks we controlled that as well as possible. To my swollen knuckles, hip and sternum he says (and I quote) “That’s normal… about 1/3 of women with RA get better, 1/3 get worse, like you, and the rest don’t change. It doesn’t really affect the outcome of the pregnancy.” But for real?!?! OK, then what happened? Insulin.

Now, before I go further, I do have hyperinsulemia. My blood had like 3x the highest “normal” amount in my last test and I take med’s to regulate it. It’s like reverse diabetes. Also, my Dr is Jeremy Groll author of the book Fertility Foods which I understand is popular amongst the PCOS* having community, because insulin and PCOS are his specialty and he’s really good at getting women with PCOS knocked up. So, I knew he was going to say we have to get a better grip on the insulin. I didn’t expect him to name it as the CoD.

Where was I, yes, Insulin (which is the devil). So, he feels that 1) my insulin reducing drugs aren’t helping enough. He upped the dose of one and added another and then stated that he hated to just pile on drugs when there were better ways of controlling the insulin, especially when it doesn’t look like the drugs are helping much. Huh? Well, despite following his diet plan and exercising (Wii Fit is AWESOME) and walking, I’m not losing weight. He thinks I should be losing weight and the fact that I’m not means dunh, dunh, dunh the insulin is preventing it.

Where do we go from here: We have to further reduce the insulin. For this we have three approaches:

1) More drugs: Not favorable, but doing anyway
2) Sleep Apnea study and wear c-pap: Doing, and glad to be doing, I’ve been concerned about this for a while
3) Roux en Y bariatric surgery: Have to wait a year before resuming fertility, has the biggest chance of impacting the insulin from the source, G will not approve

So, he says sleep apnea causes an insulin cycle, because every time you suffocate your body produces insulin to be able to fight and more insulin causes more soft tissue, which worsens the apnea which causes more insulin. So, c-pap is job #1. Plus, he thinks it will help with feeling tired all the dang time.

I’ve looked into Bariatric Surgery before. About 10 years ago. My family doctor told G a horror story about a patient of hers that got BS in the 80’s and now lived in a nursing home being feed via IV because her body was unable to process food through her GI tract. Nice… G is 100% ANTI BS, now. I’m a little more apt to give it a try. For one, if the insurance will cover it, it seems like a good way to physically jump start weight loss, which will have the natural effect of reducing insulin. But Dr G says it goes beyond that. He says the surgery itself physically alters the way the body signals the need for insulin, so before the weight loss even begins, the insulin reduction has already started. He is VERY PRO BS. Of course the downside is that is it a MAJOR surgery, it takes months to recover and a year to stabilize. Not only that, things change very quickly and it can be emotionally grueling.

There you have it, insulin = bad. Wait, didn’t we already know that?

*PCOS: Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome… aka The Devil

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Feeling Title-less and Confused May 28, 2009

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 5:33 pm

So, today I’m feeling almost human and I realize the angry rants of the past few days must have been quite boring to anyone other than myself. I’m still angry. I’m still questioning my faith. But, I’m more functional, anyway. I’ve also realized that ranting about specific people has really been my way of ignoring my deepest pain and just focusing on the surface. At the end of the day, sure I’m pissed about those people, but mostly I’m just pissed about my baby.

I suppose this miscarriage is harder for me because I had time to get attached to the baby, we referred to it by a nickname (Blueberry Bean) and heard the heartbeat. Even though I never saw his (G only referred to BB as “he”, “she” wasn’t an option) face, or counted his toes, he was my baby. I loved him. I love him still.

But I’m starting to realize that I can’t go through the rest of my life so mad that I can’t function. I don’t see an end to the pain, but I have to believe that it’s there.

As I’ve mentioned before, I feel at a crossroads, I feel torn between scrapping this life and starting a new, and picking up the pieces to move on. I’ve been trying to get G to move to Alaska, or Florida or Italy. Just pick up and go. He was humoring me for a while. But, last night he decided it was time to be more realistic. Obviously, we can’t just pick up and leave. We own a house, two dogs and a very heavy bed that we’re unwilling to part with. He also reminded me that we do have more options than just run away or hop back into the stirrups.

So that said, we will probably take the summer to decide a reasonable course of action. At least I can drink 🙂

 

I want to explode May 27, 2009

Filed under: Family,Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:59 pm

Yeah, so the pissed, cold and bitter, not really going away. As a matter of fact, they are getting much, much worse. I am seriously having to practice massive amounts of self control to not tear certain people (i.e. MIL and sister) into the millions of pieces that I feel like I’ve been torn into. I want to hurt them. I want to tell them how terrible they’ve been, how selfish they are. I want to tell them that I hate them.My sister has informed me that my health and infertility issues are karma’s way of punishing me for expressing my views of her lifestyle. I’m pretty sure that SHE is my punishment for everything bad I’ve ever done or will do in the future. I’m not sure what it is that I plan to do that was bad enough to get strapped with her and G’s mom. I must be getting ready to go on a killing spree, or something.Here, I thought when most people were going through the darkest times of their lives, that their families were supposed to be supportive and loving. I think we’re going to add a check to the pro column under “run away.”

 

Back to Work May 26, 2009

Filed under: Miscarriage,The Blah — arminta @ 2:03 pm

So, I’m back at work today. I really don’t know how I’m going to do this all day everyday. I can’t concentrate. I don’t care about any of my projects. I’m having a really hard time not breaking down on the phone with clients. The thought of having to do it again tomorrow sending me into even more panic. Needless to say, it’s a bad day. At least my boss is being kind and my friend P is in the office today.

So I feel like I’m at a cross road. Like however I proceed from here will set the tone for the next decade. I’m sure that this has a lot to do with the impending 30th birthday, by which I will not be a mother. I’m missing a major life goal I had set for myself. I wanted to be done having children by 30. Now, I won’t even have started by 30. Maybe it’ll never happen. How much time, energy and money should I devote to this potentially fruitless pursuit?

I’m feeling very torn. Part of me wants to focus on health and finances and immediately start trying again when the RE says it’s OK. But another part of me wants to say “fuck it” and run away. Neither side is winning. It’s a complete stalemate. I could be reckless and irresponsible and just leave. It’s not like G’s job is all of that great and if we’re running away and not pursuing fertility treatments and security for a future family, I could be just as happy cooking and making 1/2 as much money. Happier, actually…

One the other hand… I can’t picture a life without children and family and the way I always pictured it. Giving up just feels wrong, but moving forward feels too hard.

It would be so much easier with a stronger support system, but in a lot of ways it’s just me and G.

 

Somebody’s Crazy May 25, 2009

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 6:08 pm

Content removed

 

Losing My Religion

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 12:20 am

Right, so I’m still a mess. Not in the can’t stop crying and wish I had died, too, kind of way, but a mess all the same. I’m bitter and cold and pissed. I’m just pissed. How could this happen to us? Again? Seriously. I keep thinking of all the things I could have done differently over my way too short pregnancy and of course there are more than a few, but come on! My sister drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes and pot while she was pregnant and both unplanned boys are here. Yet, my baby is dead.

I guess, I’m pissed at my body, sure. Who wouldn’t be. The damn thing’s broken and its broken-ness is killing my children, which hurts me, hurts G, hurts everyone. And to top it all off, there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. Of course, I keep hearing all about how people are “praying” for me and how “it will happen in His time” and my all time favorite, for some reason people keep thinking it’s appropriate to quote Jer 29:11 to me all the time. For those not in the know, here is the text of Jer 29:11:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Before I go forward, I should tell you. Until May 15, 2009, I wasn’t a very religious person. But I was a person of faith. I do believe that there is a God and I do believe that Jesus Christ is his son and was sent to the world to provide payment for sin and a path to heaven. I still believe that. I also used to believe that God gave a rat’s ass about what happened in his people’s lives and that he genuinely desired that we be happy etc… Which, I now believe is bullshit. And not just any bullshit, the kind of bullshit hopeless people make up because it helps them feel less hopeless.

I have come to the conclusion that God does not care. At the very least, he does not care about me. If he did, my life would be very different. I wouldn’t be in agony every other month thinking I had cancer, or even worse having had another miscarriage. It wouldn’t take months and years of temping and drugs and weekly wandings by the dildo cam just to get pregnant, only to have it snatched away when things look the best. I wouldn’t be so depressed that just being in the same room with me upsets my husband. I wouldn’t be in constant pain, every minute of everyday. I’m not asking for much here. I’m not asking to be thin, or beautiful, or rich, or super smart. I’m not asking for perfect health, or to be blessed into bliss for no reason other than I’m alive. I’m not asking for anything special. Nothing above and beyond the normal human experience. All I want is to not hurt all day everyday and to be able to have children. That’s all. I’m not offering nothing in exchange, either. I’ve been a pray-er and a tither and a volunteer. I’ve walked the walk. Maybe not as well as some, but I’m not a drug addicted, single, poor pagan/atheist/satanist, either (FYI, I do know a mother who fits the preceding description, which really, really, adds to the bitterness).

I do not believe that God has given these curses to me. I don’t believe they are the result of something I’ve done wrong. I just don’t think he cares. I think I got the short end of the genetic stick and God doesn’t care. He’s not waiting for some magic time to heal me. I am not going to wake up free of pain one day. He doesn’t have some plan for my happiness that begins at some predetermined point in the future. I am no more to him than an ant to a human.

He has no plans for me. He does not care if I prosper or am harmed. I have no hope and no future.

 

May 22, 2009

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 9:18 pm

It was a week ago today that we found out the baby was dead. A lot can change in a week. Right now we should be 11 weeks. The baby should be the size of a lime. We should be happy. But instead my baby is dead. It’s body is at a lab somewhere so “they” can determine if there’s anything to change for “next time.”

I don’t even know if there’s going to be a next time. I can’t fathom the thought of going through life empty and alone like this. I can’t imagine not being a mother. But, honestly, I don’t think I can survive this again. I’m not sure how I’ll survive this time. Putting one foot in front of the other takes too much effort right now. Speaking to anyone other than my mom or G is difficult. So, why would I volunteer for this again.

And why the fuck did my team let me get so damn hopeful. I was scared when the baby was small for age, but “it’s OK, not all babies measure spot on” or “we just got your ov date off a little, everything looks great” or “perfect heartbeat.” If everything was so goddamned perfect why the fuck is my baby dead?!?!? Wouldn’t it have been easier to say “Well, I’m a little concerned about the size” if for no other reason than to manage my expectations?

I can’t do this. I can’t. I’m hyperventilating just thinking about having to go back to work on Tuesday. This is fair, it isn’t right and I can’t do it.