Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The good, the bad and the MIL May 12, 2009

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Family,Pregnant,The Pug — arminta @ 5:10 pm

So, I haven’t been posting as much lately. Primarily in an attempt to not be boring. Also in an attempt to not be overly, “I’m pregnant, yay!” when 1) we’re not out of the woods, yet and 2) the majority of my readership is still TTC. Not that I’m claiming a huge readership. So, I’m trying to balance the haps, with the pregnancy and not bore you all to death.

So, good stuff first, yeah? We have another ultrasound on Friday. We only get two more with the RE before we have to go to the common folks doctor (this is how I refer to the OB since finding out how much better the RE’s office treats their patients). I’ve been reading books on natural childbirth (the Bradley Methos) and nursing. G stole my copy of What to Expect, and I can’t find it… So, I used copius amounts of drugs to get pregnant, but I don’t think I want to use drugs to get it out. I’ll update you further post u/s.

The bad stuff (ok, medium)… I’ve given up on dog containment during the day. They thwarted my every attempt to keep them in the kitchen, so they now have total house freedom day and night. And… Emma is retaining her training. They must have been ready. So yay, for no pees on the floor, but boo to more hair on the furniture.

The MIL… Did not receive Mother’s Day card or acknowledment from MIL. I did send her a card from G and me and from our Blueberry Bean. I also, very graciously, sent her u/s photos. Which, though G’s handwriting was nowhere to be found on any of, she thanked HIM for. Whatever. Also, G and I worded a letter to send to her to establish our boundaries. I’m putting it in the mail tonight. Here’s the text for any who care:

Dear Mom,

We have a few things that we need to say to you, but because things have been so strained lately, we don’t feel talking about this face to face is the best way to approach the issue at this time. That is why we are writing this letter. This is from both of us.

Over the past fifteen years, many things have transpired that have been left unaddressed and have festered into a sour relationship between us. The main issue, as we see it, is your blatant rejection of Arminta. You need to understand that because we are married and are a team rejecting one of us is rejecting both of us. This rejection has shown up as you criticizing, insulting and berating Arminta. Sometimes to her face, but usually to Gar. Gar is not willing to be in the middle of this negativity any longer. If you have a specific issue that you would like to discuss calmly with Arminta, please feel free to call her and discuss it directly with her. Neither of us is willing to allow you to insult, criticize, berate or shout at either of us any longer. We are willing to discuss, calmly, any actual occurrence in which you feel you have been wronged, going forward. We are not willing to dwell on past events.

Additionally, we are not willing to pretend that everything is OK when it is not. Things are not OK right now, and they won’t be until some resolution and change happens in our relationship. We have both been hurt by your behavior over the past few months. Gar has been especially hurt by your berating him over the phone in the past two months. We are experiencing some of the biggest joys and biggest stresses in our lives right now, with finally becoming pregnant after months of fertility treatments and years of infertility. We both are excited and happy to be welcoming this baby into our home and to be honest your behavior since we announced our pregnancy has been hurtful and has added stress to our lives. We hoped to be able to share this joyous time with you, rather than to have to endure ill treatment because of it. We are hurt that you would willingly add stress to what is already a high risk pregnancy.

We are willing to accept partial responsibility for the condition of our relationship, if you are willing to accept your share. We feel that you owe us an apology for the berating and stressful phone calls of the past few weeks, and are not willing to pursue further contact until this happens.

We are also not willing to listen to anymore insults, criticisms or berating of Arminta’s family. You do not have a relationship with them and you do know the details of our relationships with them. If a member of Arminta’s family specifically does or says something to you that hurts you in the future, please feel free to discuss this calmly and rationally with Arminta. We are not willing to dwell on the past.

There are people with whom we are not willing to have a relationship. This is a result of our relationship with them, and is not a reflection of anyone’s opinion of anything other than that persons behavior (and its’ effect on our lives) and events that transpired between them and us, ending our relationship. As adults, we expect you to respect our decision, whether or not you agree with it or decide to continue your own relationship with those people. We are willing to understand that you still want a relationship with people who have hurt us or with whom we have chosen not to have a relationship, and are willing to respect that decision.

Arminta is particularly hurt over events that have happened over the years, especially insults about her weight and disparaging comments on her health. She is willing to put a fresh start on this relationship, and to try to build more trust in you as a mother-in-law. Trust will take time to re-build. In the meantime, Arminta is not willing to put herself into situations where she feels uncomfortable or likely to be attacked. This may result in Gar coming to events alone, or it may result in neither of us coming to an event, based on how we feel at the time.

We do hope that things between us can improve and that you will be willing to make changes with us in order to have a better relationship. We would like for you to be able to be a part of the baby’s life. Provided improvement is being made when the baby is born we hope that you will come to see the baby at our home. We would like to state in advance, though, that we are not willing to allow our positions as parents to be disrespected.

We sincerely hope that you see this letter for what it is, an attempt to begin the repair process on our relationship. We also hope that you will consider what we are saying and know that this is very important to us both. If you would like to discuss this further, we would like to have you over for dinner and a conversation. Please let us know when would be a good time for you.

Sincerely,

G & A

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