OK, so I’m too lazy to think of a title and that’s how I feel today, so title it is. Feel free to skip if you don’t wish to read a lot of self loathing misery.
I’m just feeling so much and so little and I can’t make it an hour without crying. Some of G’s family stopped by today (which was a very nice gesture), but it took a lot out of me to put on my happy face for so long. So, now I’m drained. I really just want to down a handful of vicodin and not have to think for a while (not a suicidal level, just a dreamless sleep level.)
I’m stupidly afraid to actually take anything because “what if.” You know, what if the doctor was wrong. What if the placenta has magically reattached and the baby’s heart magically started beating again. It’s ridiculous. I saw the still heart with my own eyes, I saw the separation of the placenta with my own eyes. My baby is dead. But why?
I’ll tell you why. My body is fucked up. My body gets even more fucked up when I’m stressed and my fucking MIL likes to cause stress. So, she got what she wanted. Fucking bitch. I really hate her. She hasn’t called at all, either. I don’t even know if she knows. She isn’t the only stress, though, I’ve got other family issues that take their toll on me, too. Plus, I don’t exactly have a low stress job. So, I guess I’m just screwed.
Why do I even keep trying and putting myself through this shit? I don’t know. I don’t think I can do it again. People keep saying “Well, you can always try again” but holy shit how many babies can you lose before it’s too much? I think might be my limit. We’ll have to see. G does really want to try again. But, he doesn’t have to walk around with a dead baby in his body when it all goes bad, as it always does. I don’t know. I need to give myself a couple of months before making any decisions.
Anyway, enough of that, nobody wants to read about someone else’s misery. But apparently, they do want to call and ask if your still miserable. Which is really starting to piss me off. I know these people think they’re “helping” but short of super-Jesus miracle power, there isn’t anything anyone can do to actually help. I do appreciate the e-mails and offers of support, it’s over and over again phone calls that are getting to me.
OK, done, rant over.