So, I’m back at work today. I really don’t know how I’m going to do this all day everyday. I can’t concentrate. I don’t care about any of my projects. I’m having a really hard time not breaking down on the phone with clients. The thought of having to do it again tomorrow sending me into even more panic. Needless to say, it’s a bad day. At least my boss is being kind and my friend P is in the office today.
So I feel like I’m at a cross road. Like however I proceed from here will set the tone for the next decade. I’m sure that this has a lot to do with the impending 30th birthday, by which I will not be a mother. I’m missing a major life goal I had set for myself. I wanted to be done having children by 30. Now, I won’t even have started by 30. Maybe it’ll never happen. How much time, energy and money should I devote to this potentially fruitless pursuit?
I’m feeling very torn. Part of me wants to focus on health and finances and immediately start trying again when the RE says it’s OK. But another part of me wants to say “fuck it” and run away. Neither side is winning. It’s a complete stalemate. I could be reckless and irresponsible and just leave. It’s not like G’s job is all of that great and if we’re running away and not pursuing fertility treatments and security for a future family, I could be just as happy cooking and making 1/2 as much money. Happier, actually…
One the other hand… I can’t picture a life without children and family and the way I always pictured it. Giving up just feels wrong, but moving forward feels too hard.
It would be so much easier with a stronger support system, but in a lot of ways it’s just me and G.