So, today I’m feeling almost human and I realize the angry rants of the past few days must have been quite boring to anyone other than myself. I’m still angry. I’m still questioning my faith. But, I’m more functional, anyway. I’ve also realized that ranting about specific people has really been my way of ignoring my deepest pain and just focusing on the surface. At the end of the day, sure I’m pissed about those people, but mostly I’m just pissed about my baby.
I suppose this miscarriage is harder for me because I had time to get attached to the baby, we referred to it by a nickname (Blueberry Bean) and heard the heartbeat. Even though I never saw his (G only referred to BB as “he”, “she” wasn’t an option) face, or counted his toes, he was my baby. I loved him. I love him still.
But I’m starting to realize that I can’t go through the rest of my life so mad that I can’t function. I don’t see an end to the pain, but I have to believe that it’s there.
As I’ve mentioned before, I feel at a crossroads, I feel torn between scrapping this life and starting a new, and picking up the pieces to move on. I’ve been trying to get G to move to Alaska, or Florida or Italy. Just pick up and go. He was humoring me for a while. But, last night he decided it was time to be more realistic. Obviously, we can’t just pick up and leave. We own a house, two dogs and a very heavy bed that we’re unwilling to part with. He also reminded me that we do have more options than just run away or hop back into the stirrups.
So that said, we will probably take the summer to decide a reasonable course of action. At least I can drink 🙂