Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Very uncreatively title-less June 30, 2009

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 5:44 pm

I’ve been a bad blogger of late, and for that I apologize. I am still pretty depressed over things, although today is the start of a new cycle, and my first since the baby died, so I’m trying to be all “fresh starty” about things today. Here’s a quick recap of the past few days:

 – I totally thought G and I were above the whole “infertility destroyed my marriage” trap. Just an excuse of weak said I. Right, so, my marriage isn’t “destroyed” per se, but it is definitely taking a beating. There was talk last night of living separately for a while (not too seriously, and 99% not going to happen, but talk is pretty serious to me) and G reminded me that it was HIS baby, too. Selfish Minta, not seeing that the hubs was hurting, too. This lot is definitely not for the weak.

 – The sister is acting like nothing ever happened here lately. Even going as far as to suggest that I hold another family cookout for July 4th. I’m not sure I’m up to it and I’m not sure what she’s playing at. We have had some pretty extreme words lately and to my mind nothing has been resolved, but whatever. I just don’t have the energy to care anymore.

 – I think I’m going to see a counselor. Things have gone really sour really fast and I’m not managing well. If anyone has any feedback on counseling as pertains to infertility and health issues, I’d be genuinely interested in hearing it.

Well, I think that’s all for now, at least all I can think of.

 

How Much Do I Suck? June 24, 2009

Filed under: Asstastic Things that I do — arminta @ 2:16 pm

So, I made up these crazy weekly topics, then totally hosed them within the first week. I guess they’ll be more of a “when I feel like it” kind of thing. Pretty much everything in my life is right now.

 

It’s Sunday Night, Do You Know Where Minta Is? June 21, 2009

She’s at work! Again! And she really hates being at work. Son of a bitch!

So, I’m importing data and thinking to myself… “Self, if you could be/do anything you want right now what would it be? What is it that you’re so bitter about missing all the dang time?”

Good question! I keep pissing and moaning about change. But, change for the sake of change doesn’t always = change for the better, right? I guess I should interject right here and put myself out there a little so ya’ll understand what I mean. My RA is very flared up right now. I need to get back on my Enberel or something, because steroids alone are not doing it anymore. As a matter of fact, steroids are starting to add to the problem. Because I’m in such pain, I’m not doing very much other than sit on my ass and work or sit on my ass at home. Not cooking, not cleaning, not walking the dogs. I’m also very overweight, and severely insulin resistant. I’m not cooking and going to the grocery, so I’m eating mostly crap that makes me more sick. Which causes weight gain (or at least prevents loss) and increased insulin = increased inflammation.

You also know if you’ve read this at all recently that I’m very depressed. And just to add to the fun, I’m starting to develop additional symptoms that may be from other things, but have increased worry over having developed Multiple Myeloma. Now, I know MM is NOTHING TO MAKE LIGHT OF. Trust me when I say that having MGUS raises this concern and although there is a 75% chance I will never develop MM, there is still a 25% chance that I will, and it scares me. It especially scares me when my fatigue goes from, don’t want to do anything to can’t do anything. It also scares me when my ribs and back start to hurt. Worst of all it scares me when I get the signs that my kidneys are struggling (I am retaining a lot of water, my kidneys hurt and my urine is cloudy) harder than normal. I am fully aware, though, that worrying over MM may be away to “escape” from the ever present RA and infertility worries.

So, a lot of worries and health concerns. I’m feeling really bad most of the time. I spend a lot of time at work not really working because I’m too tired or can’t concentrate. Over all if I had to rate my quality of life (1-10 with 1 being least and 10 being best) I’d give it a 1. So, again with all this pissing and moaning and bitching about QOL, what is it that I want? What would I rather be doing?

All of that to say, I started working on some goals…

1) I want out of my job by 6/2010. Not just my current employer, but my job.

2) I want to have enough energy to come home from work, and cook dinner and clean my house. I’d love to be able to add walking the dogs to that, but if I can cook and clean that’d be a good start.

3) I want to be able to wear my wedding rings again. I can’t wear them now because of the edema in my hands and how suddenly it can come on.

4) I want to be able to roll over in bed, or sneeze without wishing I could just die instead.

5) I want to be able to take the nephews to the zoo, or amusement park without it nearly killing me, and I want to be able to ride rides with them.

6) I want to be able to take the boys swimming after work.

7) I want to want to get out of bed in the morning.

So, goals established (sort of). Now I need to get an action plan together to make them happen.

 

New Projects on the Horizon June 20, 2009

Filed under: The Blah — arminta @ 10:31 pm

Maybe it’s the depression talking here, but I need a change. You may be wondering, how much change can girl possibly need? Did you just move? That’s true I did just move. Then I moved my blog site. But that’s not the change I’m looking for *does convincing Obi Wan Kenobi-esque hand gestures.*

No the change I’m looking for has more to do with the way I earn my living. I am a CRM Development Consultant/Business Analyst by day. What’s that you say? English? I’m a giant nerd. There are parts of my job that I enjoy, and again this might be all depression here, but lately I find it to be meaningless, boring and without importance. I spend a lot of time at work thinking about writing pursuits. Specifically about infertility and health related writing pursuits.

I love doing this blog. I hope that it is of value to someone out there, but if not I still love doing it. I am also a frequent answerer at the Yahoo! answers TTC party. It has occured to me that what I really love to do is help other women who are dealing with this hell called infertility (and especially those with PCOS, as it is what I can most easily relate to).

That’s what I want to do, help other women fight infertility. I want to give information and hope and encouragement. I want to empower those who feel lost by providing the data they need to find their way. It’s fitting, too. Infertility is expensive, it would be nice to find a way to get it to pay some of the bills, too.

Maybe I think too highly of myself, that anyone would be interested in this, but I know I would have been when I was first starting out. I would have loved a PCOS survival guide. So, that’s my first project.

In the meantime the rent and the mortgage need paid so I’ll not be quitting the day job, just yet.

 

What If Friday June 19, 2009

Filed under: Completely and Entirely Unrelated to IF — arminta @ 1:38 pm

*** Warning: Here there be talk of dog poop ***

Did you know that WordPress has a feature that gives you your visitor count daily? I didn’t either when I moved. I was all “Hey, I’m homeless, maybe I’ll try WordPress, because other people do and if it’s good enough for them… blah blah blah” then I got here and it’s confusing. But back to the counter… I now feel pressured to be more entertaining and get more views than the day before. Weird.

So, I was thinking about instituting some weekly traditions. OK, so I’m totally jocking off other people here. Yes, I’m the one person that still says “jocking.” But, I think it’s fun. At this point I’ve got Meatless Monday, Wordless Wednesday and What If Friday. But we’ll just see how it all shakes out.

So for our first What If Friday, I’m going to totally and completely jock off of Mel at Stirrup Queensand steal hers! In future I will try to be more original. I hope that this will promote some delurking and conversation! Now that I have a counter I’ll know if I have lurkers (I’m kind of doubting it, too, but a girl can dream can’t she?).

****

The Weekly What If: What if a dog swallowed your favourite piece of jewelry and it went through its digestive tract, only to emerge unscathed–though covered in dog feces–out the other end. Someone offered to buy you a new one (though, it would be something similar–not exactly the same thing) as you both stared at the feces-covered jewelry. Would you clean it and wear it or would you accept a new ring/bracelet/necklace? You obviously must consider this question in regards to your most sentimental piece of jewelry.
****

I’ll go first! I would totally clean and re-wear the jewelry. As many of you know, there is a pug in my home. That pug likes to eat. Things don’t really have to be made of food for Emma to eat them. Sometimes, plastic figurines from the $1 store look appealing to her, sometimes she prefers marbles. Sometimes, Big C gets pissed that the dog ate one of his toys and Aunt Minta has to fish it out of the poo, clean it, bleach it and give it back to him. She usually doesn’t tell him that she got it out of poo though. She usually proclaims to have “found it while cleaning.” She also slips into speaking of herself in the third person for absolutely no reason what-so-ever in paragraphs where she has already referred to herself in the first person. This is confusing to her readership so she’ll stop.

 

Houston, we have a negative June 18, 2009

Filed under: My Fat Ass — arminta @ 1:54 pm

I found the downside to the bariatric surgery! It’s expensive! and my insurance won’t pay it. At all. It’s listed as an exclusion. Here is an instant replay from my call with Anthem BCBS:

Me: Hi I would like to know if Bariatric Surgery is covered under my plan?
Anthem Chick: Nothing is covered under your shitty plan, but I’ll look anyway… Yeah, no.
Me: Like no, not ever, or like you need more info to prove medical necessity?
AC: No, not ever.
Me: So, let’s say I were dying and my doctor said the only way to save my life would be to perform a Roux-en-Y gastric bypass, still no coverage?
AC: It’s listed as an exclusion, so no.

Anthem sucks ass.

So, G will be happy, anyway. He was very anti surgery.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, all done. Now, I have to go help set up a shitty work party and smile all evening. My face might break.

 

New Home June 17, 2009

Filed under: Blogging,My Fat Ass — arminta @ 2:32 pm

So, here we are. All moved in to our new blog home. I haven’t been able to make it all nice and sunggly, yet, but I’ll try this weekend. I was so proud of myself for getting the other one glammed up!

Quick update on the me front… I had the sleep study and they found that my oxygen nose dives in the night (down to 86), so the sleep doc prescribed O2 at night. I have to a machine delivered and everything. Scary.

The bariatric consult is tonight. I’m feeling more like I will probably do this if the insurance approves it. I keep reading articles that say how good it is for insulin resistance, and how many women are getting the surgery, then going on to have healthy babies without the fertility treatments.

I want to be healthy and happy. That’s what I want, it just seems like every time I turn around something else is wrong. All of the something else’s come down to two things 1) Insulin or 2) Auto-immune. There are new studies that show the surgery can help with both.

I can’t allow myself to hope for my RA to get better. But, even if just the insulin stuff got better, and I lost weight as a result that would save impact on my joints. So even if the RA wasn’t better at all and I still had to take the immune suppression drugs, it should slow down the joint destruction and reduce the need for steroids. Which would help the insulin stuff even more.

I’m having a hard finding a downside other than, oh yeah I could die. Or, end up totally wacked getting fed through a tube in the nursing home or something. But, the truth is, that just doesn’t happen so much anymore. This surgery is more safe than most general open surgeries because the doctors who do it, do the same three or four procedures 100’s of times a year. Most can be done laproscopically, now, too.

The other downside of course, is the complete and permanent change in lifestyle. But, that’s really only scary because it’s unknown. I don’t know what it feels like to not be able to eat what I want when I want, so it’s scary. I keep thinking of the no alcohol afterwards as a negative, too, but… truth be told I’ve had maybe 10 drinks in the last year. Most of those were right after the miscarriage and of those, I really only enjoyed one or two. I have lost my taste for booze.

So, that’s the update. Sorry it wasn’t witty or funny, I’ll try to be back to myself by tomorrow!