Due to ongoing family drama issues, this forum is no longer a safe place for me to write my honest feelings anonymously. This is mostly because I stupidly trusted someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy many times. So, because RL people are now reading and commenting IRL about this, I’m moving. If you would like the new site, please PM me (arminta dot ward at gmail dot com, only with the characters in place of the dot and at) and I will gladly send it to you. I hope to keep my IF friends and ditch the RL drama.
Since this is the last post where RL people will be reading, I’d like to address a few things with you.
– I don’t have the energy for the bullshit anymore. I don’t have the energy to ignore and keep the peace. I’m having a hard enough time putting one foot in front of the other, getting out of bed and showing up to work. Thank you so much for making it even harder. That said, I’m no longer holding back, you don’t want to know what I’m thinking, don’t ask (reading this blog is the equivalent of asking). You don’t want my opinions on things that happen in MY HOUSE, don’t come over.
– My baby just died. If I can’t look you in the eye without crying, that’s me. If I can’t deal with people being around, that’s me. If you want to take it personally and get the ass, fuck you. I don’t need non-supportive people in my life right now. Also for the record… I’m NOT OK. Don’t ask me if I’m OK, because I’m not, and I don’t know that I ever will be again. You can ask how I am, or how today’s going, but if you ask if I’m OK, I’m going to lose it.
– I have wanted a baby since I was four years old. I have been actively trying to have a baby for almost six years. I have had five miscarriages. It’s hard for me to see people piss away everything I’ve ever wanted for their own selfishness. You may not think you are, but you are. And it’s not just you, there lots and lots of these situations big and small in my life. I can’t deal with it. That’s my problem. I do really appreciate your turning it all around and finding another way to be selfish, though.
– You have never been in my shoes. You don’t even have an inkling of what I’m going through. So don’t presume to tell me how I should or should not feel. Don’t think that you understand or that you know your stuff is more important. You don’t know. I feel how I feel, and that very likely isn’t going to change. If you want to be helpful, some support and love would go a lot further than telling me how I should feel and what I should do. I know how I should feel, but I don’t and I can’t change that.
– On top of everything else, I wake up feeling like I’ve been in a car accident EVERY morning. I’m in pain, a lot. Usually, that makes me pretty grumpy and compounds everything else. I think I have a little bit of a right to be pissed off about my lot in life. If don’t agree, that’s fine, but keep it to yourself. Frankly, I’m furious about the shit I have to deal with and I’m sick to death of it.
If you’re an IF friend and you made this far, sorry. But again, if want to follow me (I’ll still be following you), PM me.