She’s at work! Again! And she really hates being at work. Son of a bitch!
So, I’m importing data and thinking to myself… “Self, if you could be/do anything you want right now what would it be? What is it that you’re so bitter about missing all the dang time?”
Good question! I keep pissing and moaning about change. But, change for the sake of change doesn’t always = change for the better, right? I guess I should interject right here and put myself out there a little so ya’ll understand what I mean. My RA is very flared up right now. I need to get back on my Enberel or something, because steroids alone are not doing it anymore. As a matter of fact, steroids are starting to add to the problem. Because I’m in such pain, I’m not doing very much other than sit on my ass and work or sit on my ass at home. Not cooking, not cleaning, not walking the dogs. I’m also very overweight, and severely insulin resistant. I’m not cooking and going to the grocery, so I’m eating mostly crap that makes me more sick. Which causes weight gain (or at least prevents loss) and increased insulin = increased inflammation.
You also know if you’ve read this at all recently that I’m very depressed. And just to add to the fun, I’m starting to develop additional symptoms that may be from other things, but have increased worry over having developed Multiple Myeloma. Now, I know MM is NOTHING TO MAKE LIGHT OF. Trust me when I say that having MGUS raises this concern and although there is a 75% chance I will never develop MM, there is still a 25% chance that I will, and it scares me. It especially scares me when my fatigue goes from, don’t want to do anything to can’t do anything. It also scares me when my ribs and back start to hurt. Worst of all it scares me when I get the signs that my kidneys are struggling (I am retaining a lot of water, my kidneys hurt and my urine is cloudy) harder than normal. I am fully aware, though, that worrying over MM may be away to “escape” from the ever present RA and infertility worries.
So, a lot of worries and health concerns. I’m feeling really bad most of the time. I spend a lot of time at work not really working because I’m too tired or can’t concentrate. Over all if I had to rate my quality of life (1-10 with 1 being least and 10 being best) I’d give it a 1. So, again with all this pissing and moaning and bitching about QOL, what is it that I want? What would I rather be doing?
All of that to say, I started working on some goals…
1) I want out of my job by 6/2010. Not just my current employer, but my job.
2) I want to have enough energy to come home from work, and cook dinner and clean my house. I’d love to be able to add walking the dogs to that, but if I can cook and clean that’d be a good start.
3) I want to be able to wear my wedding rings again. I can’t wear them now because of the edema in my hands and how suddenly it can come on.
4) I want to be able to roll over in bed, or sneeze without wishing I could just die instead.
5) I want to be able to take the nephews to the zoo, or amusement park without it nearly killing me, and I want to be able to ride rides with them.
6) I want to be able to take the boys swimming after work.
7) I want to want to get out of bed in the morning.
So, goals established (sort of). Now I need to get an action plan together to make them happen.