or, at least that’s how I feel.
G and I have been talking about our next steps today. Seeings how we’re in what could be our first natural “go” cycle since the miscarriage we thought talking about where to go from here would be a good thing.
The doctors are of the opinion that we should try again, with a modified protocol and hope for the best. Those of you who’ve been reading me for a while know, hope really isn’t my bag. The try again soon option has it’s merits. It I were well into my second trimester when Blueberry Bean’s due date came ’round, it might make it a little easier not to commit suicide at some point in that time frame. On the other hand were I dealing with a second miscarriage at the time, I seriously might need to be institutionalized.
My hang up, here though, is I’m too afraid to try again right now, because I’m afraid to get attached again and I’m afraid to not get attached. G has stated that he doesn’t intend to get attached again. He doesn’t want to make any of the same “mistakes” as last time. But, is being happy to be a daddy a mistake? We’ve been robbed of our right to a joyful pregnancy.
We’ve been robbed of our innocence.
This wasn’t our first miscarriage, but it was definitely different. We had doctors and shots and science behind us. We got attached.
I have a friend who also had infertility issues and she spent the entire first half of her perfect pregnancy not allowing herself to get attached. Not allowing herself to love her baby. I spent the whole time wondering how on earth she could do that. I thought about how much she would regret that when the baby came, to which she answered IF the baby came. I could not understand it. Now, I can.
I can understand it, now. I am afraid I will be like that and it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that should I become pregnant again that this baby will have to be compared to BB. The new baby, would be exactly that, second place. Not real until weeks and weeks into the future. And should it become a real boy (or girl, I have no doubt that will be an option this time, because G will not think of it as real) we’ll have spent so long trying to distance ourselves that it will be unnatural to be allowed to love it. It wouldn’t be that child’s fault that things have gone wrong before, but it will suffer the results of a new callousness we’ve developed because of it.
I hate that. That is where I’m hung up and I hate it.
In other news, I have no idea how to find and choose a counselor but have decided to go forward with counseling. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears.