Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Randomness July 8, 2009

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 11:55 am

First, yay for me! I am officially under my pre-Clomid weight. I had gained about 8 pounds from the start of the first Clomid cycle through the end of my pregnancy. I have now lost that 8 plus a little. Good for me! Dr. G was big on wanting me to log 150 minutes of exercise a week last time I saw him, and I’ve been doing that plus some over the past few weeks. Looks like he might know what he’s talking about after all.

 

That, or my cinnamon regimen is working. Yes, I’m self medicating, with spices. Yum! How did this come about? Well, I have a co-worker with a diabetic kid. She mentioned that she added cinnamon to his meds and his A1C level dropped four points. So, I thought, WTF. A1c levels have a connection to insulin sensitivity (see how my google med school training is paying off!), so why not? Ten days later, I’m down 8 pounds. Coincidence? Wii Fit? Cinnamon? All of the above? IDK, but I’m keeping the Wii Fit and the cinnamon just to be safe.

 

In other news… I’m a huge Harry Potter dork. I love the books and the movies. Not in the hate to love them way either (a la Twilight, which is wretched, and yet I’m hooked, damn you Robert Pattinson and your perfect beautifulness). Anyway, I really love the Potter series. The story is perfect, the characters are brilliant (and likable, and realistic given their fantasy setting, OK, I’ll quit with the Twilight comps). My point? New movie, this Friday, YAY!!!!!! I’m all a twitter. I’m such a dork that I’ve been making G watch them with me every night in preparation. Obviously, that means we’re watching Goblet of Fire tonight, co-starring the very beautiful Robert Pattinson, so double yay! OK, all done with the dorkness.

 

I warned you about the randomness… I had the most vivid dream of my life last night. It was kind of good and kind of sad but way vivid. I dreamt that G & I picked up Blueberry Bean from the hospital. He had been born, but had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks because he was jaundice and we weren’t allowed to see him. For some crazy reason, I didn’t know any of this, G was telling me like “surprise, the baby’s alive and we get to get him today!” So we pulled up to the hospital and G told me to hook up the car seat while he went in to get the baby. In his defense, he really can’t strap in a car seat in real life (at least not in under five minutes and/or without insane amounts of swearing). So, he comes back out with a huge, like 15 pound huge, baby. Big, pink pretty baby. And, I feel nothing. When I look at it, I know it’s Blueberry Bean, but I feel nothing. I can’t remember giving birth, I can’t remember having ever seen the baby before, he doesn’t feel like he’s mine. I strap him into the seat and we take him home, then at home (which is woefully un-prepared for bringing home a baby) I still feel like he isn’t mine, like somethings wrong. He’s definitely Blueberry Bean, but he’s not mine is all I can think. Very strange. But then, when I started to feed him, I could smell his head and feel his fingers wrapped around mine and hear him drinking his bottle. When I looked at him, really looked at him, I could see that his fingers looked just like my brothers, his eyes were shaped like G’s, he was almost completely bald like I was as a baby. The closer I looked the more I could see and all of sudden, he was my baby. I felt so whole and complete. I can still feel or remember the feeling of completeness from that dream. I’ve never had that before.

 

Lastly, turns out when you have crapassy insurance, and you decide to get professional help for dealing with your “issues” sometimes you only have one choice of professional, so all worries and concerns about how to pick said professional were really quite unfounded. I’m making the first appointment today. I don’t know what to expect and am a little nervous. But for real, anyone with experience on the counseling front, I’d love some feedback.

 

** Update** Crapassy therapist covered by crapassy insurance, not accepting new patients. I hate to get all “woe is me I’m the least lucky person alive,” but holy fucking shit, seriously?!?!?!?!?!?

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One Response to “The Randomness”

  1. Kate Says:

    I’m sorry the therapist isn’t taking new patients. Does your insurance have an option when the only one available isn’t taking new patients? Most insurance companies if you annoy them enough will work with you in that case.

    With therapy, I’ve found I’ve benefited a lot this go around. I’ve tried it in the past and it sucked. The important thing is to unfortunately due to your insurance situation, try different ones until you are comfortable. They are people at the end of the day and you will jive with some and not others. I know that I’m a different person thanks to therapy, but it took me two therapists before I found the right one.


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