I’m having a very hard time with these post-miscarriage “rest” cycles. They don’t feel very restful at all. It feels more like taking backward steps. After spending so long maximizing every potential chance at conception, to let a potential egg go wasted just feels so… …. … wasteful.
I understand that my body needs time to balance out, and I need time to grieve and come to peace with my Blueberry Bean. That does nothing for the feelings that I’m throwing eggs away and burning semen. Of course, I don’t know that I’ve ever ovulated without the ovarian crack, so I speak of eggs that didn’t have a chance, but there’s no evidence these eggs ever existed. This fact also does nothing to abate the feelings of squandering chances that are so few.
In other news, I need a nap. My weekends go too fast. This weekend I had to work all day Saturday, then I cleaned while I was waiting for files to transfer and imports to run. So, no rest that day. Sunday, I went to the pool with mother, Big C and my sorta-niece N. It was really nice to see N. She gave me the sweetest mother’s day card this year (I was still pregnant on mother’s day). It was the first time I’d seen her since my BB died, and she was very sweet. She was also the first person who asked if we knew the baby’s gender.
Isn’t she sweet?! I would adopt that kid in a heartbeat, too. If only it were that simple. Anyway, spending time with her at the pool I decided that I need to start having my girls night slumber parties with her and her sister again. Well, we’ve only ever had two, so I guess I need to START having slumber parties for them. Whatever with the policing of facts. We’re going to start with that this weekend. I’m trying to figure out some fun things to do with them. They are 11 & 12. I don’t know how to do their hair, and they are too young for makeup, I think. I guess we’ll bake some brownie’s do mani/pedi’s and watch Twilight. That does sound fun! I think they’re the right age for Twilight… Who am I kidding, everyone loves Robert Pattinson (for real, I have like a 8th grade style crush on the man, and he’s like 10 years younger than I am, it’s a little ridiculous)!
Her question about the gender made me regret for just a moment not finding out. We could have, the doctor offered to do genetic testing that could have told us. But, I’m still basically glad that we didn’t. I mean, it’s hard enough with the little picture of him (I still call BB a him even though we really don’t know) looking like a gummy bear with real arms and legs and eyes (well, you can’t tell on the screen, but trust me, when you hold that photo up to your face, you can see eyes). If we knew the gender I’d have felt the need to give him a real name, and that would have made it harder for G. But the question threw me for just a minute.