I’ve never though of myself as particularly wordy, but I think that title proves otherwise.
So, it’s been two months since we found out that BB had died and in two weeks I’ll have not been pregnant for as long as I was pregnant. It still sucks. I still can’t live past today. I may not be taking it hour by hour anymore, but day by day may be giving me too much credit.
I wish there was a way to help people understand that. To show them what it is to literally make it through life thinking “I only have to make it to 2pm, after that meeting I can go to bed if I still want to.” Then after the meeting “OK, you only have to make it to 6pm, then you can go home and no one will give you shit about it.” Then at home “Just make it through dinner, then you can lay down if you still need to.” That’s literally how I take my days. Right now, I’m fighting myself to stay at work, not even get any work done, just stay here until lunch, then I can go sleep and cry in my car. Then I can go home if I don’t feel better, but I just have to make it to lunch.
I don’t know anyone who gets that. Who understands that if I’m having that much trouble holding it together for the minimums, I can’t deal with anymore. I want my hot tub to be moved to the new house, but I can’t deal with it right now. But, no one asks if they can help. No one takes the initiative to do it. Because it’s been two months. Surely I should be over it by now. It’s not like it was a real baby. (these are the words of others, not my own, obviously) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just so mad, and sad and pissed. I still don’t understand how this could happen, again. I don’t understand what it is tha I’m not doing right. Do I need to sacrifice a lamb, or quit my job, or what??! What is it that I need to do for God to show me the same favor he shows to starving women in Africa and crack-whores and satanists and atheists? Seriously, what? I’ll do it. Go to church? That’s not it… Give to missions, no, not it either. Help the less fortunate? Done that and still no baby. What the fuck do I need to do?
See now we’re back to God doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter what I do or how I do it, because he doesn’t care. He isn’t listnening. If he cared and were listening those babies my sister aborted, would be mine. Divine will my ass.
Where are you, God? I’m here, I’m waiting for you, I’m trying to talk to you. Where the fuck are you? Is anyone there?!?!?!?!
Everytime I get to feeling like this I remember a line from Gran Torino. The young priest is getting on to Clint for not calling the cops when the gangs were causing trouble and Clint says, “Well, I prayed for the cops to come, but they didn’t show up.” I’m praying for a baby, but it’s not showing up.
But my problem is I’m just too judgemental. I just can’t be happy with what I have. I just need to learn to accept.
I am who I am. I feel how I feel. I will NOT just accept the second place life that I have because it was thrust upon me.
I’m to the point where I hate my job. I’m doing very well at it right now either. Hard to believe, huh?
OK, I have to stop, I’m just too pissed to continue.