This weekend was long and busy. Longer and busier than normal. We moved some furniture (some even to our house, yay!), we re-painted the trim at the old house, we worked on my Mom’s yard, and watched my nephews all the while. So, where in all of that did we have time for “the talk?”
That would be over breakfast on Saturday.
We were sat near not one, not two, but four families with small children. One was a big extended family situation with cousins and whatnot. Great… So, I can’t exactly tell the server “Please move us, we can’t stand to be near children. Not because we hate them, see, but because we’re barren and it rips giant holes in our souls whenever we have to be near any except those dearest to our hearts, and actually that hurts sometimes, too.” Well, I could, but let’s face it, she wouldn’t have gotten it and G would have made me leave after such a gaffe. So, we sat near the family-thon and ate our breakfast quietly and quickly trying to get it over with as soon as possible. At least that’s what I was doing.
Apparently, G was mulling over how to best broach the subject of adoption.
** Disclaimer ** Adoption is wonderful. It’s a beautiful way to make a family, if you are in a place where it’s right for you. I always assumed that I would adopt, in fact. I have even seriously met with a foreign adoption agency and were my BMI lower and I didn’t have RA and I were older, might be the mother of a Chinese baby girl right now. Obviously, that didn’t work out and I have gone down different roads in the meantime.
Where was I? Right, adoption. So, I’m eating my potato pancakes and wishing that the restaurant would burn down around me, and take me with it, when G blurts out “Are we going to talk about adoption?” I realize now that it wasn’t quite that out of the blue, we had actually been talking about one of my co-workers adopted children who had spent the day in my office on Friday, but I hadn’t really been paying attention to what we were talking about.
In a nutshell, he’s afraid of another miscarriage for several reasons, not the least of which being the toll it’s taken on me this time. He’s afraid of spending too much time and money on treatments that may not pan out. Let’s face it, I got pregnant on two rounds of Clomid. Getting me knocked up didn’t turn out to be such a challenge once they got me ovulating. If we try again, I’ll get pregnant again, and if I get pregnant again, it will probably end the same as the last five. That scares him. It scares me, too, but I think it’s in a different way. So, he wants to talk to the adoption agency that’s literally within walking distance of the new house. (Talk about signs.)
Two years ago, I’d have been all over that. Now… not so much. It feels like giving up. It feels like second place. It feels like runner up. I don’t want just any baby. I want MY baby. I want G’s baby. I want to feel kicking inside of me. I want to feel labor. As much as I abhor anything near my nipples, I want to experience nursing. I always thought that I’d experience these things, then, when my kids were becoming teenagers, I’d adopt more kids. Then they wouldn’t be runners up, they’d be the second wind. They’d be blessings to the whole family. But, I have to face that I may never have MY baby. I may never have G’s baby. I may never feel the kicking or the nursing. I may never know that brand of joy. Facing that reality has soured me on adoption as well.
It’s really not as selfish as it sounds, or at least it’s not meant to be. It’s just that giving up on a biological child is giving up on a whole life I had hoped for and dreamed of since childhood. I’m just not sure that I’m ready to give up on it just yet. It’s still what I want more than anything, but I’m getting to the age that I may not get it. I’m just not ready to face that. I’m also not ready to face permanent childlessness. But, that seems less of a selling of my dream than adoption right now.
All of that said… you can bet your ass if a pregnant woman came to me tomorrow saying that she wanted me to adopt her child when it was born there would be no hesitation in my saying yes.
Why does this have to be so fucking hard? Seriously? I need some rest.