Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Flu: I Haz It July 27, 2009

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Marriage,Miscarriage — arminta @ 2:33 pm

But for real, I’m sickers. For some reason I felt well enough in the shower to delude myself into thinking that I should come to work anyway. Bad plan. I am way too sick. I think when your fever gives you chills in an 80 degree office (don’t ask, cheap boss), you’re too sick to be at work. I really want to call G and have him come get me, but I can’t.

Not because he can’t or won’t. Because I’m to prideful. See we’ve been fighting again. Infertility is taking a toll on us. G is the hold it in and blow up about something else type and I’m the let’s talk it out type. On Sunday I wanted to talk, he wanted to blow up. The problem with that is that he doesn’t see this from my side AT ALL.

The specific argument was regarding surrogacy. At one point my Sister was going to carry for us, using her eggs & good ol’ fashioned turkey baster IUI’s. Obviously, NOT my first choice, but it would be as close to a biological child as we could get without IVF. I would be able to go to the pre-natal appointments and we would find a way to be OK with it. Of course, this was before my sister lost her f’ing mind and I found out how she treated her body while pregnant. So, anyway, flash forward five years, we’re back to talking about surrogacy. Because my body is failing him and failing our children. Because I am broken. He’s captain super sperm, there’s nothing stopping his gene pool from continuing, except his choice to remain married to me.

So, we’re discussing surrogacy, because another friend has offered to carry and donate eggs if needed. Very sweet girl. Very sweet offer. Just one, I’m not ready to consider. For the same reasons I’m not ready to consider adoption. I’m not ready to give up on me. But, my husband, it would seem, is.

He stated that in taking this friend up on her offer, “at least his part would be there.” Now, I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way I took it. I’m sure he wasn’t saying “because that’s the part that’s important.” I know he didn’t mean “just because you’re a genetic dead end, doesn’t mean I have to be.” But, that is what I heard. That is what broke my heart.

Naturally, I ran to my mother and cried for four hours and refused to take his calls. I saw no other option. She defended him endlessly, and reassured that of course he didn’t mean the things I was thinking, he was just a man and had no idea how badly he’d hurt me. (G & my Mother are in love with each other) 

So, back to today. I’m sick. Realistically, too sick to drive. With a spiking fever (alternating chills and sweats) and a sore throat. All I want is for my hubs to come rescue me. To love me enough to come take care of me, but my heart is broken, and I’m too prideful to call and ask.

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3 Responses to “The Flu: I Haz It”

  1. Kate Says:

    This post broke my heart. “Because my body is failing him and failing our children. Because I am broken.” I know I’ve said similar things but to read it from you I just want to yell YOU ARE NOT BROKEN and YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. But I know how it feels to feel that way.

    Don’t give up on you.

  2. Kate Says:

    I had a question for you, how does your mom react to your pain? I can’t seem to let myself cry and open up to my mom. I’m too scared that my pain will pain her. I desperately want to turn to her, but I’m just afraid

  3. arminta Says:

    Kate, thank you for your kind words.

    My Mom is the worlds most pragmatic person. She doesn’t really get the emotional stuff and she used to spend a lot of time telling me not to feel what I felt, or to feel some other way. But shortly after the baby died, I had a talk with her and let her know that while she can just change how she feels, I can’t. And, I don’t have many people I can talk to IRL (just her & G and my friend P), so when I talked to her, I needed her to just listen. Since then she’s been better about listening. But, I don’t really open all the way up to her that often. In the 10 years G & I have been married, I’ve maybe gone to her after 3 fights counting this weekend. And with the infertility stuff, I’ve mostly just given her the facts. I’ve opened up a few times, but not many, because I haven’t wanted to hurt her.

    She seems to prefer hearing me open up about it to not knowing why I’m upset.


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