Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Obsession July 30, 2009

Filed under: Femara Round 1 — arminta @ 11:51 am

I am an obsessive planner/list maker. I’m much better at planning and list making than doing. Don’t get me wrong, now, once I have a list, I will do. I’m just better at making the list. I enjoy it more. If there were a job that involved planning and making lists, for other people to follow, that would be the job for me. OK, I’m sure there are many jobs that follow that basic premise, I haven’t really researched it. I love making grocery lists, and meal plans (but I hate shopping and while I LOVE to cook, I don’t like “meal prep”). I especially love making decision charts.

 

I.am.dork.

 

When we bought the pug known as Emma the Cover & Pillow hog I made all kinds of lists and decision charts to determine the best size, the best breed, the best <enter criteria here & I made a freaking chart> in order to make sure that this 15+ year commitment was being made with all the possible bases covered. I was not going to be hoodwinked by some cute puppy in the window, no ma’am (I’m assuming a largely female readership). I was going to get the best fit for our current and planned family. I was going to get a dog that was not only attractive and filled the “I need a baby now!” void, but also would be good with said children once they materialized, and would also play nice with Big C and his prospective sibs. I was looking for the holy grail of dogs and was going to research the shit out of the subject until I found it. I was a woman obsessed.

 

** Tangent Alert ** Fat lot of good it did me. I ended up with everything I wanted. She’s cute, she’s great with the kids, she’s cuddly. She’s a dominate little bitch that hogs my covies, barks at anything in her field of vision, chases the cat (for funsies, never to hurt her) and understands plain English but refuses to obey unless there is threat of loss of life or temptation of treat as a result. She does meet every criteria I researched. The flaw was my research. I thought a wanted a smart dog (she’s smart, just stubborn), but what I really wanted was an obidient dog. I thought I wanted a people lover, but I should have been looking for a people pleaser. You live you learn. My point was not to rant on the puggins. As I’ve said many times, she drives me nuts, but I wouldn’t be without her. Especially not at times like these. I wish I had a little more control over her, but I loves my pugs and can’t really complain.

 

My point before going off into tangent land… I obsess. A. Lot. And I’ve been obsessing a lot today. To cycle or not to cycle that is the question. Is it the right time? Have I waited long enough? Am I ready? Should I drop the cash on disappointment so close to vacation, or spend it on lakeside booze? So, I broke out my trusty decision chart.

 

In case you missed that earlier… I.Am.Dork.

 

My decision chart is leaning ever so slightly towards the cycle side of the argument. Which isn’t surprising, because it’s what I want. I guess I just wanted something logical to tell me it was OK to want it. So, to put an end to the back and forth in my head, I called and made the appointment for my baseline u/s and blood work.

 

Tomorrow at 8am, I am offcially back in the stirrups. Yikes! I hate when they sched the u’s for the heaviest day of flow (way TMI, and I’m sorry).

 

So, because I need to make lists and my anxiety is nowhere near quelled by making the appt:

 – This cycle I will not focus on the past. This is a new protocol, new hope, and hopefully new baby. The past does not apply

 – That said, I will not get too attached. If I do get pregnant, I will nickname, I will post updates here, I will keep up with devlopment. I will NOT send weekly updates to my RL friends/family, I will NOT buy anything until 24 weeks, I will NOT obsess over every symptom or lack there of, I will NOT obsess myself into a panic every other day, I will NOT allow myself to think past today.

 – I will focus on what I can do, and I WILL push out the rest. That may come in the form of list making.

 

All I can do is:

1) Take care of myself (nutrition, rest, relaxation, exercise)

2) Follow my protocol

3) Focus on things within my control.

 

Lastly, the MIL will not be a part of this cycle/pregnancy. I tried to make peace with her last time, and I still feel that the stress she provided was part of what killed my BB. I’m cutting her out like the cancer she is. Until my baby is safely in my arms, she does not exist.

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2 Responses to “Obsession”

  1. Kate Says:

    Wow, how are you going to effectively shut MIL out? Will your hubby be in charge of that? I’m trying to figure this out myself for next time but I agree, you have to cut out what is harmful before it eats you up whole.

  2. arminta Says:

    I have not spoken to my MIL (other than the day before my BB died) since 10/2008. Which was the time of our last fight. Ever. While I was pregnant it was eating G alive to have the stress of his mother being such a bitch and me hating her guts for being herself (she has been terrible to me these 17 years). He wanted to be able to share his joy with his family. But she decided to cause a lot of trouble (primarily by talking a lot of shit about me and my mother to G). So, G & I discussed and decided to send her a letter. The letter is in one of my older posts in teh early May timeframe. Bascially, we just put it out there, we don’t want the stress, we’re not putting up with it anymore, and you won’t see the baby if you keep it up. So she called me at work to shout at me and I hung up on her (after two warnings that I would if she didn’t lower her voice). I haven’t spoken with her since. G talks to her if he sees her at his aunts house, or if she calls twice in an hour (just in case of a family emergency). But, he has shut her off too.

    This time around, I will not try to make peace with her. She will not know I’m pregnant (IF I get pregnant). G is 100% on board with this. He didn’t want to tell her last time, but I actually made him because he wanted to tell his aunt. Next time, I won’t take her into consideration.

    The big factor here is that G is on board and 100% supportive of keeping her away. He has seen the change in our marriage and in his relationship with my Mom and his Aunt (who is really for all practical purposes his mom and I love her dearly) since cutting her back. It’s really more a situation of her being toxic to our lives.


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