Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

I’m still here August 30, 2009

Filed under: Infertility — arminta @ 9:58 pm

Kind of… I’m really not sure where here is exactly, though. I had deluded myself into believing that my dues were paid and there was no way that a sixth pregnancy could be taken from me. But it was.

 

On Friday it was officially determined that it was an early miscarriage. This miscarriage was much more in keeping with the first four. What I have traditionally seen is a faint positive/falling numbers at 4-6 weeks. Most commonly I’ve gotten my positive and my period on the same day.

 

I always thought if I could make it past this point and to a heartbeat then we’d be safe. Obviously, not. Then I thought, surely, with a team (not just one, but a whole f’ing team) of specialists we’d at least make it as far if not further with future pregnancies. I really thought that even if we didn’t make to a liv e baby this time, we’d at least make forward progress. So, while this isn’t as bad as with Blueberry Bean, it’s worse in a different kind of way. It just feels so hopeless.

 

I really don’t know where to go from here. I can’t stand the thought of another dead baby. I just can’t. I’ve lost faith that I’ll ever be able to carry to term. I’ve lost faith in everything.

 

So, where to go from here? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you this much, I’m on vacation this week and sobriety is not a priority.

 

Levels Dropping August 27, 2009

Filed under: Femara Round 1 — arminta @ 12:18 pm

Spoke to nurse.

 

Expecting blood this weekend.

 

There will be no spring baby for me.

 

So. Fucking.Done.

 

I Give Up

Filed under: Femara Round 1,Spring Baby — arminta @ 10:22 am

Maybe not forever, but at least for today.

 

I’m tired of the roller coaster.

 

Positive, negative, positive, negative… wait for the nurse, wait for the doctor, wait for blood.

 

Things are not going well. Will give details after talking to RE. But right now, I am so fucking over this. Screw having babies, or fulfilling dreams or not having a hollow meaningless existence, this is worse.

 

It’s back August 25, 2009

Filed under: Femara Round 1,Spring Baby — arminta @ 2:14 pm

The shadow line that is. Very light, truly a shadow line. I’m sure that G wouldn’t really see it. But it’s there. It definitely wasn’t yesterday. I’m calling this a “BFP, pending bloodwork confirmation” or BFP-PBWC for short.

 

So it would seem for the second time this year. For the sixth time in my life. I am pregnant. It would seem. For obvious reasons (i.e. the five previous pregnancies that failed to procduce a live baybee) I’m not as overjoyed as I was last time. As I’ve mentioned before, I feel like my innocence has been ruined. I got it back when we switched to a new doctor with a new fancy protocol that included semi-daily shots! (that’s twice a day, not once, but twice I get to stick a needle in my belly and feel the burn of Heparin) I was too hopeful. So, now my hope is tempered with the knowledge that even fancy new doctors with fancy new protocols can let me down.

 

Or rather, I let them down. This works for many other women, that’s why they’re having me follow it.

 

At any rate, I’m hoping that no one lets anyone down this time. I’m hoping for a bring home baybee in early May (or late April). A spring baby. Please, please let me have my spring baby.

 

11 dpo: Crazies in Full Effect August 24, 2009

Filed under: Femara Round 1 — arminta @ 3:08 pm

The weekend has past, and it seems the booster shot finally has, too. Today’s test was negative after two hours, so I’ll assume it still will be when I get home. It was very faint yesterday, lighter than the shadow from Saturday. I’m also feeling less ass dragging, nearly dead tired. Also, indicative of less HCG in my system.

 

So, at this point I had already tested positive with Blueberry Bean. This, of course, means nothing. I’m 11dpo at most, which is still technically too soon. I was hoping for a negative so that I’d know for sure if my positive was real. I keep telling myself these things so I don’t cry and lose it in despair. There’s nothing more professional than crying in your office all day.

 

This weekend was almost “symptom” free. Which makes perfect sense seeing how the tests were so light & hcg causes the symptoms. Hcg drops, symptoms drop. Makes perfect sense. Today, I’m tired and nauseous, but NOTHING like last week. Fertility Friend is still sitting pretty at 92%. I’m feeling much less optimistic.

 

9 DPO: I HATE WAITING August 22, 2009

Filed under: Femara Round 1 — arminta @ 12:31 pm

Right, so the test that I thought looked negative at 6am yesterday, was all kinds of positive when I got home last night. Methinks I was a little hasty in declaring the Ovidrel out of my system. The positive on the test this morning was soooo faint that G didn’t even see it. He thinks I’m a little crazy with the test interpretation. But, I tell you the truth I could still see that barely there line. Like a pink shadow, taunting me. It said (after G left the room, so I’d have no witnesses, bitch!) “Am I real, or am I Ovidrel? I could be real, because I’m so faint.” I told it to shut the fuck up and quit making me crazy.

 

But, today is 9 dpo. My positive with Blueberry Bean was 10dpo. It was on a Saturday morning. It feels like a million years ago and also yesterday. So strange. But, I’m tore up over this shadow line from today, because had I tested on 9 dpo with BB, maybe I would have seen the same type of shadow line. Maybe it’s real. Maybe it doesn’t matter, it’s too soon and I need to quit being so neurotic.

 

I did promise not to be so neurotic this cycle, and here I am sign hunting, waffling about whether or not my shadow line is real or drugs. Someone please come slap me ’round the face so I can get my bearings back.

 

OK, I give up. I’m going to go bake for several hours until I feel fatter, but less insane.

 

P.S. The most accurate pregnancy test in the world, the Fertility Friend Pregnancy Predictometer Extraordinaire says: 92%. Bitch!

 

And the survey says August 21, 2009

Filed under: Femara Round 1 — arminta @ 3:25 pm

90%

 

I was at 92% on 10dpo with Blueberry Bean. Today is 8dpo.

 

I almost (but so not really) wish that I’m not pregnant, just so I can tell Fertility Friend to suck it. In reality I’d rather be pregnant than prove FF wrong, but you know what I mean.

 

Other poorly organized randomness (so tired…):

 – I am the tired.

 – I am the grouchy.

 – I am pissed about comment the hubs made at lunch.

 – I am zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 – Sorry about that

 – What was I saying?

 – It couldn’t have been important anyway.

 – zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz