*** It is late, and I am tired and grouchy and have A LOT more work to do yet tonight. Any ranting and bitching that may follow is likely to be heavily influenced by fatigue and frustration. ***
Right, so, I’m pretty uncomfortable right now. I’m tired & hungry & constipated & nauseous & lightheaded & literally getting up to pee every 90 minutes. All good things in the world of the two week wait. Especially in the world of the infertiles two week wait.
But also, mostly uncomfortable things. It is uncomfortable to have to pee every time you see a drop of water. It is uncomfortable to not be able to poo. It is uncomfortable to be tired 24 hours a day. It is. And, it’s making me really grouchy. Which is making me feel guilty. After all, whether this is the Ovidrel or real pregnancy symptoms: I paid for this. I went to a doctor and said “give me something to make me feel like shit for anywhere from 2 weeks to nine months… Preferably nine months.” And he did.
So, where do I get off being bitchy and grouchy about being in the exact state that I want to be in? Especially considering all of my fellow infertiles I could hurt by expressing my discomfort? I mean, shouldn’t I be thankful for the nausea? Shouldn’t every bout of lightheadedness prompt a round of rejoicing? Probably… But it doesn’t.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that I’m unhappy to be experiencing these feelings. (Although, if they’re just from the Ovidrel, I am going to be a little pissed.) I know that anyone who is currently TTC and unable would give their left arm to feel this (and I would, too). I’m not saying that I wouldn’t GLADLY deal with much worse if it meant a LIVE baybee would spring from my womb. Live, is a deal breaker, though. I don’t want anymore dead babies. Five is enough. I’m not saying that I’m grateful for these feelings, even. I am. Maybe if things are confirmed and I am indeed knocked up, I’ll even relish the discomfort a little. Maybe.
What I am saying is… why, just because we had a harder time getting the morning sickness are we supposed to pretend that it isn’t miserable? Why am I expected to say “I love the nausea, and the constipation is fine, and everytime I pee it reminds me that I might be/am pregnant”? But for real, why?
I guess what I’m driving at is pregnancy is uncomfortable. It’s not a walk in the park for most people. Yes, we jump through hoops and pay through the nose and work our asses off to get pregnant. But, pregnancy isn’t really the end goal. A BABY is the goal. Pregnancy is just the line to get into the baby club. Lines suck. Just because I had a harder time getting into the line, doesn’t mean I should enjoy being in line anymore than a person who hopped right in (ahead of me might I add, damn line jumpers).