Kind of… I’m really not sure where here is exactly, though. I had deluded myself into believing that my dues were paid and there was no way that a sixth pregnancy could be taken from me. But it was.
On Friday it was officially determined that it was an early miscarriage. This miscarriage was much more in keeping with the first four. What I have traditionally seen is a faint positive/falling numbers at 4-6 weeks. Most commonly I’ve gotten my positive and my period on the same day.
I always thought if I could make it past this point and to a heartbeat then we’d be safe. Obviously, not. Then I thought, surely, with a team (not just one, but a whole f’ing team) of specialists we’d at least make it as far if not further with future pregnancies. I really thought that even if we didn’t make to a liv e baby this time, we’d at least make forward progress. So, while this isn’t as bad as with Blueberry Bean, it’s worse in a different kind of way. It just feels so hopeless.
I really don’t know where to go from here. I can’t stand the thought of another dead baby. I just can’t. I’ve lost faith that I’ll ever be able to carry to term. I’ve lost faith in everything.
So, where to go from here? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you this much, I’m on vacation this week and sobriety is not a priority.