** What follows is a rather random collections of thoughts. I’m sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. It’s late and I’m pissed… **
I have decided definitely NOT to do any fertility treatments this cycle. I haven’t decided about any cycles beyond this one, yet, but I’m leaning towards probably not. I know I say this everytime, but I really can’t deal with another dead baby. The roller coaster ride is killing me. So, at this point, I am seriously considering throwing in the towel.
I don’t know if that will mean adoption, or living childless. Or, if it will just be a hiatus for reconsideration later. I do know that it seems to be important to G to have a biological (preferably male) child to carry on his bloodline. Unfortunately, he is the last son and he feels it’s important that he carry on the line. I can understand that. Really. I can.
But… I just don’t know that I can give him that. I know that according to my feelings right now, a surrogate is OUT. Period. I don’t even really want to think about adoption. I’m so pissed I can’t be objective. I’m. So. Pissed.
I keep getting the “when the time is right” and “all things work together for good” speeches. This is doing nothing, but making me more pissed. For one thing, the right time has come and gone. Secondly, I just flat out don’t believe the all things working together BS. If that were true things would have turned out in my favor a long fucking time ago. Of course, my mother likes to use the example of me losing my shit on sister on Memorial Day being a catalyst for her starting straightening her life out. So, something bad worked together to be something good. The problem that I have with this logic is that it would mean that God killed my baby, so I’d lose my shit, so the C’s mom would straightened (somewhat). I love the C’s, but given the choice, I wouldn’t make that sacrifice. Like I said, pissed over the “keep trying, it’ll work out” BS speeches. Also, pissed over the general outcome of things.
The bottom line is I have a lot of things that I never wanted. Things that a lot of people would want, but that I never did. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother. That’s it. Now it looks like that will never happen. And I’m mad as hell about it.