Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Suck of All Sucks September 11, 2009

Filed under: Blueberry Bean — arminta @ 11:59 pm

First, congrats to Michele and Peter at My Life After Loss. Their twins Bobby and Maya were born yesterday, at not quite 28 weeks.

 

I am happy for them. I wish the best for Bobby & Maya.

 

I miss my Blueberry Bean.

 

Right, we all knew this was coming back around to me didn’t we?

 

I would have been 27 weeks today. I don’t track the days anymore, but I still count the weeks on Friday. When I looked at the pictures of her sweet babies, I couldn’t help but realize, that’s what my Bean would look like right now. Ideally, he’d still be scrunched up in my womb. But, if not… If he had made it this far, chances are good that he would make it if born today. Obviously, this is all pointless speculation because he didn’t live. My body killed him 17 weeks ago. Instead of being early in my third trimester and having baby showers (one was planned for next weekend) and finishing a nursery, I’m blogging about my dead baby.

 

Sometimes I feel like it was all a bad dream. I wake up and it takes me a few minutes to remember that the baby’s gone. I’ve been not pregnant much longer than I was pregnant, and I’ve been pregnant (and not) again since, but my Blueberry Bean haunts me still. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have him back. Nothing.

 

This is so hard. I can’t take it. I can’t do this. It’s so unfair.

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2 Responses to “The Suck of All Sucks”

  1. Words are never enough…

    *sending hugs*

  2. Kate Says:

    I’m so sorry (hugs)


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