Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Things I am Sick of Hearing September 12, 2009

Filed under: Infertility — arminta @ 10:38 pm

I spent the entire day with my Mom today. It was a basically good day. She bought me shoes, which I sorely needed, so I really can’t bitch. But, I will anyway because I’m bitter and that’s what I do.

 

Also, not all of things were said by my mother, or today, just things she said today brought it to the surface:

 

1) Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant, that’s the hard part – Obviously, not. Obviously, if that was truly the hard part, I’d have many children. Newsflash, dead babies are NOT better than no baby at all.

2) Just hang in there – ARGHHHHHH! This makes me feel like Charlie Brown. How many times can I kick that fucking football, knowing Lucy’s going to pull it up at the last minute? Maybe the people who say this are just stronger than me. Cause for real, I’m a wimp. I can’t hang in there for a beating. If I was in prison, they’d totally have to put me into protective solitary confinement, because I’d rat everybody out to lessen my time.

3) You can’t be bitter/think like/be upset etc.. – The fuck I can’t. I can, I am, and I will for as long as necessary thankyouverymuch.

4) It doesn’t help to be mad at God – Yeah, well, it didn’t help to not be mad at him and at least this way I feel like I’m doing something.

5) My co-worker’s 7 month old talking and playing through an hour long conference call every fucking Friday. – You’d think with her having a history of recurrent miscarriage she’d be a little more understanding, but alas no. I have to sit through an hour long conference every single Friday listening to a 7 month old make all kinds of noise and watch my boss get all googly eyed and make jokes about it. But, for real. I think the pain has to be obvious on my face, but apparently not.

 

OK, I’ll quit.

 

I know that I’m being bitchy and self indulgent. I do wish I could feel differently, but I can’t. I don’t wish anyone else ill, I just can’t take seeing pregnant women, babies, cribs, strollers, anything at all what-so-ever that reminds me of the fact that my baby is dead and chances are better than fair that I will die childless.

 

Gah… the depression. I’m going to chase you guys away if I don’t perk it up some soon. Sorry…

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5 Responses to “Things I am Sick of Hearing”

  1. the angry things that go through my head sometimes would make other people want to lock me up in solitary… or a sanitarium….

    I think it’s worse when the people we SHOULD be able to depend on, whose shoulders should be the one we cry on- seem to be the ones who fail us the most.

    In any case- you keep writing… I’ll keep reading…

  2. Kate Says:

    That drives me nuts, the “at least you can get pregnant” How the fuck is that helpful if I can’t have an end result? I’m so sorry you had to hear all those sorts of things. They are so maddening but you’re probably not going to be surprised to know I too have heard all of this myself numerous times. People just don’ tknow better.

    • arminta Says:

      I am sorry that any of us have to hear it and haven’t yet heard “your baby is so beautiful/ugly/actually here and not just a figment of your imagination.” Them’s the breaks of infertility/RPL. At least we have each other to understand and commisterate.

  3. panamahat Says:

    Oh, the COMMENTS. I think we could all write a very long book just jam packed FULL of those idiotic things people say when they are ‘just trying to be helpful’. No. They are not trying to be helpful, in my opinion. They are merely trying to avoid feeling our pain, by taking the focus away from the painful part of the scenario. Which leaves us feeling belittled, glossed over, inconsequential and worthless. So if they they think THAT’s helpful, perhaps they should think again. Grrr.

    I only just found your blog tonight, and will be reading more. So sorry to hear of all your losses. It truly is heartwrenching.


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