I spent the entire day with my Mom today. It was a basically good day. She bought me shoes, which I sorely needed, so I really can’t bitch. But, I will anyway because I’m bitter and that’s what I do.
Also, not all of things were said by my mother, or today, just things she said today brought it to the surface:
1) Well, at least you know you CAN get pregnant, that’s the hard part – Obviously, not. Obviously, if that was truly the hard part, I’d have many children. Newsflash, dead babies are NOT better than no baby at all.
2) Just hang in there – ARGHHHHHH! This makes me feel like Charlie Brown. How many times can I kick that fucking football, knowing Lucy’s going to pull it up at the last minute? Maybe the people who say this are just stronger than me. Cause for real, I’m a wimp. I can’t hang in there for a beating. If I was in prison, they’d totally have to put me into protective solitary confinement, because I’d rat everybody out to lessen my time.
3) You can’t be bitter/think like/be upset etc.. – The fuck I can’t. I can, I am, and I will for as long as necessary thankyouverymuch.
4) It doesn’t help to be mad at God – Yeah, well, it didn’t help to not be mad at him and at least this way I feel like I’m doing something.
5) My co-worker’s 7 month old talking and playing through an hour long conference call every fucking Friday. – You’d think with her having a history of recurrent miscarriage she’d be a little more understanding, but alas no. I have to sit through an hour long conference every single Friday listening to a 7 month old make all kinds of noise and watch my boss get all googly eyed and make jokes about it. But, for real. I think the pain has to be obvious on my face, but apparently not.
OK, I’ll quit.
I know that I’m being bitchy and self indulgent. I do wish I could feel differently, but I can’t. I don’t wish anyone else ill, I just can’t take seeing pregnant women, babies, cribs, strollers, anything at all what-so-ever that reminds me of the fact that my baby is dead and chances are better than fair that I will die childless.
Gah… the depression. I’m going to chase you guys away if I don’t perk it up some soon. Sorry…