So, the hubs and I have been having some discussions here lately. Basically they boil down to seeing Up fucked me up. I’m constantly worried about dying and leaving him alone and he’s convinced that I’m losing my marbles.
But, I am worried about dying and leaving him alone. So, there are two options: get a divorce and hope he marries someone healthier who will outlive him and/or have children to care for him OR adopt now and worry about having a bio-baby later (or not). I’ve been pretty vocal on my feelings about adoption as it relates to me. Those feelings haven’t changed. It DOES feel like giving up. It DOES feel like second place. But, I’m sure that once I got into the process I’d get over those feelings. I know that they’re petty and stupid.
G thinks we should wait. He’s burnt on the baby business. He’s tired. He wants to go back.
Which brings me to the things infertility/pregnancy loss has taught me:
1) There is no going back. There’s moving forward, there’s changing your mind, there’s taking a break. But there’s no going back. There’s no feeling the way you felt before your baby (-ies) died. There’s no going back to before the obsession. I hate it.
2) You don’t know how you REALLY feel about adoption until it becomes your safest bet.
3) When you want something bad enough, you find the money to get it.
4) If your marriage can’t survive infertility, it probably wouldn’t have survived having children, anyway.
5) It takes a strong marriage to survive infertility.
6) You really can “get used to” the dildo cam.
7) Well informed infertiles know more about the science/medicine of reproduction that most non-fertility specialist doctors and nurses.
8) The causes of infertility are many, but the effect is amazingly similar in most people.
9) I could probably identify (blindfolded) my RE & his staff by how their hands feel on/near/in my ladybits. Seriously.
10) Infertility sucks. Pregnancy loss sucks. Both together is the bullshit of all bullshit.
So the plan for now:
– Continue to focus on health/nutrition.
– Sell house
– Make it through 2009
– Pay off my car
– Adopt, with plan to pursue fertility treatments again for #2