Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Hope’s a Bitch October 29, 2009

Filed under: Adoption,Infertility,Marriage,The Blah — arminta @ 12:01 pm

Last night was a bad night. We had my least favorite dinner (fried chicken, blech), I got the info from the adoption agency and I started my period. A three for three strikeout.

 

Why is the agency literature a strike out? Well, because the non-profit agency ‘round the corner wants $10k for an infant adoption. That would be the low end number. Don’t get me wrong, I think a baby is worth $10k. But, I don’t exactly have $10k just sitting around. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an amount I could save up in a couple of years. It’s an amount I could finance. The problem isn’t exactly paying that amount of money. The problem is that the fees are more than double for an infant adoption than for a waiting child adoption. $7k of that figure is supposedly going straight to the birth mother. It’s buying a baby.

 

I’m not saying that the birth mother shouldn’t have her expenses taken care of. She should. She absolutely should. She should be able to come away from the experience with no strings to force her to remember, no bills to pay and no negative associations with the process. So, my issue is NOT with a large chunk of money going to the birth mother to pay her pregnancy/child birth related expenses. My issue is with the set fee. My issue is that a set amount could encourage certain women to get pregnant, get the minimum care possible then put the child up for adoption to profit off of the experience. Again, I have nothing against making the birth mother as comfortable as possible after the birth, but the situation of placing multiple children with the intention to profit is different to me. It just feels dirty. It’s the opposite of what I was expecting from the non-profit agency. So, that was quite upsetting.

 

Then there was red when I peed before bed. G saw me getting my Luna Pads and Diva Cup out and said “Really, I’m sorry.” At which point I broke down. Why should he be comforting me? He has healthy sperm, he wants to get frisky all the time, he is doing everything he can to aid the pregnancy process. I on the other hand do shit like not ovulate until CD22 then am depressed (because I didn’t ovulate) and don’t want to get frisky for 5 or 6 days straight. Yeah, bad night. I knew the chances were slim. But I felt so pregnant. This is fucking insane. Obviously, I didn’t test this morning. Frankly, I’d rather not know if it just didn’t work, or if it was another very early m/c. My count is high enough thankyouverymuch.

 

So, I’m laying in bed crying my eyes out because the adoption thing was feeling so dirty and wrong and I wasn’t pregnant and G turns this on:

 

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you’ve sat and watch go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me… I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out’s a blessing can’t you see
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive and well
I’m alive and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul when there’s not a soul in sight
This motor’s caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out’s a blessing can’t you see
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive and well
Yeah I’m alive and well

 

And, all I could think was it’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to be alive if it’s going to keep going like this. I know he meant it to comfort me (I heart Dave Matthews), but it really just made me feel very alone and not understood. I know there are people in the world who have it worse than I do. I know there are heartaches and atrocities in the world that are just unimaginable to me. But that doesn’t make my heartache feel any less important to me. It doesn’t comfort me to know that someone else has it worse. It just makes me feel worse that so many people are suffering. It also doesn’t comfort me to feel like our dreams being shattered are less important to him.

 

So, today, I’m depressed, with no answers, no action plan, no direction. Why is it not Saturday? Why did the work elves not come last night? Why am I spending another day crying into my tea at work?

 

Concentration, Not So Much October 28, 2009

Filed under: The Blah — arminta @ 4:42 pm

I’m at work, but I can’t concentrate to save my life! Is it PMS? Is it pregnancy brain? Has IF finally turned my brain to mush?

 

I don’t know, either, but I do know that concentration isn’t working out for me. I have a fuckton of things I need to do, too. Both for clients, and for my company. But, I get 1/4 ways into something and find a mental block waiting for me. This doesn’t just apply to work, either. This is no less than the fourth blog post I’ve started today. We’ll see if it’s the first to get finished.

 

So, what am I doing, if not blogging or working? Well, watching Lost for one. Unfortunately I got a little hooked before I found out about the strong baby current on that show. I’m also chatting with my bosses wife, H1N1 flu’s a big deal round here (ya’ll have heard of that, right?). Other than that, I’m literally just Googling randomness, and thinking. Yes, sitting in my chair, staring at my monitor and thinking. About what? Well, let me make you a listy list.

 

– Am I pregnant?

– Could I be pregnant?

– What if I am pregnant?

– What if I’m not pregnant?

– I feel pretty crappy, maybe I should go to the doctor if I’m not.

– Is Ben a good guy or a bad guy? I want to like him but he’s kind of a dick and either he’s always lying or the writers didn’t know where this shit was going when they wrote earlier episodes.

– What should I make for dinner (much Googling commences)? I have a lot of broccoli in the fridge, I should make something with broccoli (more Googling)…

– Those buffalo chicken wings I made last night were good. Maybe I’ll make those again.

– My kitchen shears are dull, I should get some new ones.

– I like the name Finnoula.

– I hope no one comes down here and sees how little work I’m doing today.

– I want mac-n-cheese

– I’m tired.

– Am I pregnant?

 

I think you know the rest of that song. Anyhizzle, I’m basically sitting very still thinking like that and Googling as my thoughts lead me. And feeling irritable. But happy, but grumpy. But tired.

 

So, there you have it. We have no answers. There’s no new info. I’m just being an unmotivated lump. I wish I could be doing this from the comfort of my bed. Yes, jammies and tea and a book would be much better than work and jeans and water.

 

OK, now to try to finish in two hours what I’ve put off all damn day.

 

Here we are again October 27, 2009

Filed under: Infertility,The Blah — arminta @ 6:40 pm

So, I’m sitting here sucking (flat) ginger ale through a straw and trying desperately not to vomit. I am committed to my vow of no testing until Thursday. (Which is like 43,000 days from today.) We timed nothing correctly, and have literally the slim-est of slim chances of anything coming of this cycle. I had been nearing acceptance of our situation (a phrase which always makes me want to say “You’re a homo” because I’m a 14 year old boy… It’s a Wedding Crashers thing) and starting to embrace adoption. I’m still more open to adoption, but I had let go of this cycle. I was moving on. I am really ready for the drama and roller coaster to be over.

 

What’s changed? I got up to pee four times last night. Right now, I am incredibly nauseous. I almost passed out at the drug store this afternoon. I could go to bed for the night, right this second. I should have started my period already. In short, I feel four weeks pregnant. I am quite familiar with this feeling. It feels like the first couple of days after an Ovidrel shot. Or, like most of the times I’ve been pregnant. I actually feel EXACTLY how I felt with my Blueberry Bean.

 

So, since I won’t test (not that it matters, I can’t hold my urine for more than 2 hours anyway…), yet, I have to work under the assumption that one of the following is happening: 1) I’m pregnant. I feel this way, because I’m pregnant. The hcg is coursing through my veins and is doing its job. Or 2) I’m not pregnant and I feel this way because I saw something on Fertility Friend that said I should feel this way so my brain is filling in the gaps.

 

If I am pregnant, I’ll be due in early July 2010. It could be my first pregnancy not due in November, December or January.

 

Either way because of my history, I’m keeping the appointment with the agency on Friday. Unfortunately pregnant <> baby with me.

 

Maybe you can trick your body… October 24, 2009

Filed under: Adoption,Infertility — arminta @ 11:48 am

Before I get started, no, I don’t believe that is at all possible to trick yourself into getting pregnant by starting adoption proceedings. That said…

 

I actually mustered up the balls to call, and speak to two adoption agencies yesterday. One was the for profit baby seller in the town where my sister live (hippieville) and the other was the non-profit helping children in need agency that I could walk to and back before you finish reading this post. I scheduled an appt to meet with the close one. I did this because regardless of “symptoms” that I’m experiencing this cycle (as I do MOST cycles, as we all do most cycles, because we’re crazy and we’re programmed to find a way to be pregnant, science be damned) I’ve pretty much decided this is a failed effort and we’re going to adopt.

 

I’ve become more clear on this decision. That at least we’re going to give this option a fair shake. That we’re going to meet some agencies, we’re going to see how well this fits us for real. Not from Google, not from what I think, but for real, by talking to people who have been there. Each day this decision feels more clear and comfortable than the day before. It’s really starting to feel less like a last resort and more like an option, a chance, hope (bitch!). Each day I’ve been letting go of this cycle and future cycles little by little. As a matter of fact this morning I woke up, took my temp, logged it into FerilityFriend (old habits die-hard) and didn’t even look at the pregnancy predictometer. But, I did look to see when to expect my period, which is new in and of itself, because I wasn’t checking my test date, but my expected AF date. It’s tomorrow, BTW.

 

But, I scrolled too far using my laptops scrolly on the touch pad. I scrolled to an area I wasn’t intending to check and I saw this:

Implantation Signs

 

Just in case your eyesight sucks as badly as mine it says: Implantation Signs: Possibly Triphasic on Day 27.

 

I have only charted for two of my pregnancies.  Until today those are the only two  pre=”two “>triphasic charts that I have. My BBT was 98.62 today.

 

Obviously, this is conclusive evidence of nothing. I’m not testing until Thursday (which happens to be the day before my appt with the adoption agency). So we know nothing for sure.

 

If that test comes back positive, though, my theory is this… The fertilized, free-floating zygote heard me tell G I was going to call the agency. I think fertilized, free-floating zygotes have a type of instinct that if they hear the word adoption they implant immediately. LOL

 

STRESS – PMS – I’m a Mess October 22, 2009

Filed under: Shitty PMS — arminta @ 5:51 pm

I am stressed the fuck out right now.

 

Before I continue… this is a normal CD28 feeling. I always get short, irritated and easily stressed right before AF is due. I think I’ve heard it called something like PMS. Right, so that’s probably what’s the matter. I have rational, logical reason.

 

 

But, I’m still stressed the fuck out. To make matters worse, chocolate isn’t helping. How can chocolate fail me now? Oh, the horror, oh the humanity!

 

Ok, all done. Feeling a small bit better. Now, I just need to find $300 for emergency car repairs (apparently my back brakes are gone), clean my house, finish 30 hours worth of work in the 7 my boss thinks it should take, go to the grocery for party food, cook dinner and muster up the energy to screw my husband. Or, I could do what I want to do… go home, put on jammies, watch Twilight and Harry Potter movies, eat ice cream and Thai take out, and most importantly: ignore all responsibility.

 

You know what would really be ideal tonight? Like what would be THE BEST THING EVER? Sitting in my hot tub, reading Harry Potter, drinking wine, eating ice cream (yes, I eat ice cream in the hot tub) and ignoring all responsibility. But I can’t do that. Why? For two reasons… my BBT was 98.6 this morning. That was my BBT. As in my resting temp. My avg pre-ov is 97.5 (cover line 97.65) and post-ov is 98.25. The highest non pregnant BBT I’ve ever had was 98.48. So, there’s that SLIM chance. (Of course we all know it’s nothing and I’m grasping at straws, but let me grasp, k?) The other, and far more important and restrictive reason… my hot tub is STILL at my old house. Which STILL isn’t sold. Now, I’ve just spent my hot tub moving money on brakes!

 

 

Roller Coaster of Infertility October 21, 2009

Filed under: Infertility,Shitty PMS — arminta @ 9:25 am

So, Fertility Friend has decided that I did ovulate on CD22. That bitch! I was perfectly content having not ovulated. It was a very comfortable feeling knowing that this was an AF Watch rather than a 2WW. Oy!

 

We didn’t time anything right (hello… CD22 that’s a little late). It’ll be a bloody miracle if anything comes of this cycle. Of course I’m still crazy and infertile and, if there’s an egg there’s a chance. So, look forward to obsession and a roller coaster of emotion for about 10 more days (or until AF shows her ugly face).

 

I really, really, really can’t wait for this bull shit to be done. Really.

 

Random Ramblings October 20, 2009

Filed under: The Blah — arminta @ 7:11 pm

So, I don’t really have anything new or exciting going on.

 

I’m on day 26 of a seemingly annovulatory cycle. Of course, my body is giving me the mixed signal buffet, as it always does. At least it’s not the crystal clear 100% signs that really mess with me (of course, those cycles nearly always turn out that I am pregnant). Of course, I missed temping for two days and when I temped again my temps were up. But not that up. That whore FertilityFriend doesn’t think I ovulated, anyway. So, like I said, I’m on the potentially infinite AF watch. My cycles can go 40-60-100 days if I don’t ovulate. Not that it really matters, because we’re not really “trying” at this point, and if we’re not trying I don’t really care if I never have a period again. Actually, I kind of hope I don’t. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if I can’t have a baby, I don’t want to have a period.

 

Let’s see, in addition to that… same ol’ family drama. Some people are mad at other people and everybody wants me to take sides. But they’ll all be over tomorrow. Big C has cavities and is seeing Uncle G’s big boy dentist in a couple of weeks. Sister having knee surgery, her and the C’s are going to stay with us while she recovers. That’ll end badly, but it’s the right thing to do for her.

 

I’m sick, as always. I swear if my immune system was capable of behaving normally I wouldn’t know how to handle it. Can you imagine not being sick all the time, not having swollen joints, not being constantly tired? I sure can’t.

 

We’re looking for an adoption agency. The one near the house is a non-profit and primarily places older children from what I can tell. Of course the benefit to their being a non-profit, is that their rates are low. The downside is I suspect the infant wait is going to be pretty long. On the other hand there are a couple of agencies that specialize in infant adoptions, but they not non-profit and thus the fees are fairly high. You know what I really, really hate? Putting a price tag on building a family. It feels like baby-shopping (which is what it is) which just feels icky. But, the facts are, I don’t have $30k to spend or the ability to spend weeks out of the country. I don’t have the ability to write a $20k check to cover “expenses.” So, I guess we’ll just have to “shop around.”

 

Like I said nothing new or exciting. Maybe I’ll pick up a bottle of wine or a candy bar when I stop to gas up the truck. (That’s not a metaphor, I literally need to fill up my truck with gasoline…)