Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

This is the song that does not end… October 12, 2009

Filed under: Family,Infertility,Miscarriage — arminta @ 6:41 pm

no it goes on and on my friends.

I started singing it not knowing what it was

and I’ll continue singing it forever just because…


My life is a never ending revolving door of drama and suckage.


I wasn’t always this negative. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a half glass empty kind of gal, but until the past few years I’ve been pretty good at tempering that with a good bit of booze faith. I guess being faithless is taking it’s toll on the optimism. As in, it doesn’t exist. Some examples? I aim to please…


  • I have a corneal ulcer. Why? I’d like to know that as well. Especially seeing how I haven’t worn my contacts in MONTHS. I’d like to wear them, but every time I do I get a painful whole in my cornea. It sucks rocks.
  • I appear to have mastitis. Yes, an infection that typically only affect nursing mothers. Apparently, my infection schedule didn’t get the memo that my children are dead.
  • My teeth are falling out of my head despite decent oral hygiene practices.
  • My health is just generally shit.
  • Finances are a mess due to constantly shilling out cash to medical professionals and the pharmacy for see above.
  • Brought pug in from potty time last night with two large wounds on her back. Didn’t hear a fight or scuffle. Didn’t hear her whimper. Wounds are in a place she can’t reach on her own. $$ (I don’t mean to be crass, because I do care more about her safety and well being than my cash, but seriously $$)
  • Hubs refuses to move my hot tub. Will have to pay $300 to have it moved. FUCK ME! (Ok, so I have a hot tub, and I should be grateful for that, and I was, when I could use it, but seriously, RA = pain; hot tub = pain goes away; hubs refuses to help = hubs doesn’t care if pain goes away = real problem to me)
  • Everyone I know can get & stay pregnant except me.
  • Especially 22 year old single cousin (also has RA). Cousin’s mother seems to think mentioning it to me over and over and over again on Facebook is a good idea.


I know, pity party, right. Wrong. I don’t want pity. I don’t want rounds of buck up it’ll come round. I just want this shit to get better. I’m tired of this shit life. Seriously. I’ve paid my fucking dues. I work hard, I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink excessively (for all my jokes, I MIGHT drink a bottle of wine in six weeks), I don’t binge on junk food, I’m a good person. To quote Nancy Gribble “Why Sug?”


OK, back to the pregnant cousin. Please tell me if I was off base here, or what you would do in a similar situation. Pregnant cousin is actually a 2nd cousin. Her mom is a FB friend and I’ve got nothing against her, most of the time we get on pretty well. She loves the C’s curly hair and usually when we see them things are groovy. I commented on FB that I was sick and thanked my compromised immune system. Cousin replied with:

hope u feel better, PC is in the same boat with her RA. Hope with her being pregnant it will be better.

I didn’t know that PC was P. It took me a few minutes to think of how to respond. First reaction of signing off of FB forever seemed a little rash, so I went with:

Thanks. Congrats to PC, I didn’t know. Hopefully she’ll get some relief. I always get worse when pregnant, but the relief isn’t supposed to come until 14 weeks, and I’ve never made it that far.

Please read “that’s nice, I’m happy for ya’ll, but in serious pain over here, so let’s drop it.” Her response:

haven’t seen you all for every, how are things going? We will all have to get together. Tell Gar hi for from the family. PC is due April 1st. Getting crib this weekend. Can’t wait for pumpkin (baby).

She said that to me. The woman who’s been nothing if not vocal about being distraught over losing her children this year. Naturally upon reading this, I broke down. The due date is just a month earlier than my Spring Baby’s. How can they be so confident? She’s still in the first trimester? Don’t they realize she’s still in the danger zone?


No. No they don’t. Most people don’t. Most people don’t lose six babies. Most people get pregnant (on accident) and have a baby.


So, I asked G, is she serious, oblivious or malicious here. I can’t tell and I could take it all three ways. He said “she’s probably serious, but definitely not malicious.” So, I sent her a long e-mail saying: we’d love to see them, I don’t come round because my MIL is the devil, the C’s ask about them, we’re doing some better and some not, had another m/c and are kind of in limbo, ra is some better thanks to immune suppression therapy, sorry if I seem distant I’m in a lot of pain (physical & emotional), sorry if way TMI, happy for everyone, please let me know when the shower is so I can send a gift.


I have received nothing in return.  I don’t know how to take that. I’m really trying to be more accessible IRL. That means opening up. But then, how do you take a non-reaction to the opening up?


So, how would you guys react going forward and how would you have reacted to the initial message?


5 Responses to “This is the song that does not end…”

  1. Kristin Says:

    I would have been really upset about her insensitivity. She obviously completely ignored your reference to never getting that far (or she was oblivious and that can hurt as badly).

    As for immune system issues, have you thought about doing a consult with The Alan E. Beer Center for Reproductive Immunology & Genetics Dr. Beer pioneered a lot of the treatments for immune system issues that cause reproductive problems. His clinic continues the work.

    And, if you email me at cruzowlpost at earthlink dot net , I would be happy to email the instructions for the pumpkin hat to you.

  2. egghunt Says:

    Oh, I would have felt the same as you. Why do fertile people have to be so bloody stupid sometimes? If they are aware of your IF history they should have been so much more sensitive to how that info would have impacted on you. Really, all you were asking for was a little bit of recognition and a tiny bit of respect, not too much to ask. However unfortunatly it’s a very very common scenario, and I still have not figured out how to deal with it. 😦

  3. I blocked…. I blocked and blocked and blocked… I have a cousin who got pregnant at the same time as me … I was happy- we actually were within 1 week of each other due-date wise… we were on the babycenter forum for august due dates together- that’s almost the only time we talked.

    With the exception of the email she sent me two weeks after I lost my son to tell me she was having a boy.

    No condolences, no mention WHATSOEVER about me losing my boy- just BRAGGING. It’s a good thing she doesn’t live near me because I was NOT feeling too good about her right then and I can’t vouch for her safety otherwise. I haven’t talked to her since. I refused through another party to attend her shower, I didn’t send a card or congratulations… I blocked her from FB and any other part of my life. Family or no- people who even if it’s not meant maliciously, hurt you like that are never worth it.

  4. Lin Says:

    You weren’t out of line at all, IMO! So sorry for the insensitivity. Blocking is an excellent idea. Otherwise, just no that you reached out and that’s all you can do. Hopefully she’ll get back to you soon with a more appropriately sensitve response! ((((HUGS))))

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