So, I’m sitting here sucking (flat) ginger ale through a straw and trying desperately not to vomit. I am committed to my vow of no testing until Thursday. (Which is like 43,000 days from today.) We timed nothing correctly, and have literally the slim-est of slim chances of anything coming of this cycle. I had been nearing acceptance of our situation (a phrase which always makes me want to say “You’re a homo” because I’m a 14 year old boy… It’s a Wedding Crashers thing) and starting to embrace adoption. I’m still more open to adoption, but I had let go of this cycle. I was moving on. I am really ready for the drama and roller coaster to be over.
What’s changed? I got up to pee four times last night. Right now, I am incredibly nauseous. I almost passed out at the drug store this afternoon. I could go to bed for the night, right this second. I should have started my period already. In short, I feel four weeks pregnant. I am quite familiar with this feeling. It feels like the first couple of days after an Ovidrel shot. Or, like most of the times I’ve been pregnant. I actually feel EXACTLY how I felt with my Blueberry Bean.
So, since I won’t test (not that it matters, I can’t hold my urine for more than 2 hours anyway…), yet, I have to work under the assumption that one of the following is happening: 1) I’m pregnant. I feel this way, because I’m pregnant. The hcg is coursing through my veins and is doing its job. Or 2) I’m not pregnant and I feel this way because I saw something on Fertility Friend that said I should feel this way so my brain is filling in the gaps.
If I am pregnant, I’ll be due in early July 2010. It could be my first pregnancy not due in November, December or January.
Either way because of my history, I’m keeping the appointment with the agency on Friday. Unfortunately pregnant <> baby with me.