Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Hope’s a Bitch October 29, 2009

Filed under: Adoption,Infertility,Marriage,The Blah — arminta @ 12:01 pm

Last night was a bad night. We had my least favorite dinner (fried chicken, blech), I got the info from the adoption agency and I started my period. A three for three strikeout.


Why is the agency literature a strike out? Well, because the non-profit agency ‘round the corner wants $10k for an infant adoption. That would be the low end number. Don’t get me wrong, I think a baby is worth $10k. But, I don’t exactly have $10k just sitting around. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an amount I could save up in a couple of years. It’s an amount I could finance. The problem isn’t exactly paying that amount of money. The problem is that the fees are more than double for an infant adoption than for a waiting child adoption. $7k of that figure is supposedly going straight to the birth mother. It’s buying a baby.


I’m not saying that the birth mother shouldn’t have her expenses taken care of. She should. She absolutely should. She should be able to come away from the experience with no strings to force her to remember, no bills to pay and no negative associations with the process. So, my issue is NOT with a large chunk of money going to the birth mother to pay her pregnancy/child birth related expenses. My issue is with the set fee. My issue is that a set amount could encourage certain women to get pregnant, get the minimum care possible then put the child up for adoption to profit off of the experience. Again, I have nothing against making the birth mother as comfortable as possible after the birth, but the situation of placing multiple children with the intention to profit is different to me. It just feels dirty. It’s the opposite of what I was expecting from the non-profit agency. So, that was quite upsetting.


Then there was red when I peed before bed. G saw me getting my Luna Pads and Diva Cup out and said “Really, I’m sorry.” At which point I broke down. Why should he be comforting me? He has healthy sperm, he wants to get frisky all the time, he is doing everything he can to aid the pregnancy process. I on the other hand do shit like not ovulate until CD22 then am depressed (because I didn’t ovulate) and don’t want to get frisky for 5 or 6 days straight. Yeah, bad night. I knew the chances were slim. But I felt so pregnant. This is fucking insane. Obviously, I didn’t test this morning. Frankly, I’d rather not know if it just didn’t work, or if it was another very early m/c. My count is high enough thankyouverymuch.


So, I’m laying in bed crying my eyes out because the adoption thing was feeling so dirty and wrong and I wasn’t pregnant and G turns this on:


So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you’ve sat and watch go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me… I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out’s a blessing can’t you see
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive and well
I’m alive and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul when there’s not a soul in sight
This motor’s caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out’s a blessing can’t you see
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive and well
Yeah I’m alive and well


And, all I could think was it’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to be alive if it’s going to keep going like this. I know he meant it to comfort me (I heart Dave Matthews), but it really just made me feel very alone and not understood. I know there are people in the world who have it worse than I do. I know there are heartaches and atrocities in the world that are just unimaginable to me. But that doesn’t make my heartache feel any less important to me. It doesn’t comfort me to know that someone else has it worse. It just makes me feel worse that so many people are suffering. It also doesn’t comfort me to feel like our dreams being shattered are less important to him.


So, today, I’m depressed, with no answers, no action plan, no direction. Why is it not Saturday? Why did the work elves not come last night? Why am I spending another day crying into my tea at work?


2 Responses to “Hope’s a Bitch”

  1. Krystal Says:

    I’m so sorry, hun! I’ve been there, I really have! I wish there was something I could do to take away this pain.

    As for the adoption, have you looked into foster-adoption? You may not get a BABY baby, but young children are pretty common. Just my 2 cents!

  2. Katie Says:

    Oh man, I’m so so so sorry. I have felt that way and my heart breaks for you. *hugs* It’s all difficult and the people who throw out “just adopt” have no clue how very difficult it is.

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