Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Antigonish November 4, 2009

Filed under: Big C,Infertility,Miscarriage,The Pug — arminta @ 1:10 pm
by Hugh Mearns
Yesterday upon the stair
I saw a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away
When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door
Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away

That is one of my favorite poems. I don’t know why. I think partly it’s because it speaks to me of the things that are only there in my head. The children who should be and haunt me but who aren’t really there. Once of my favorite bad movies is Identity (which I watched last night) with John Cusack and Ray Liotta (I totally heart John Cusack), and a version of this poem is in that movie. I was unaware that people other than me and my 12th grade literature teacher like it.

QUICK (ok, moderately long) story about my 12th grade lit teacher: In Senior Honors Lit (oh, how the mighty have fallen, I was in Honors Lit!) we had a project where we had to choose one 20th century American poet to study for a semester. There were many assignments, but they would all be different because each student was studying a different poet. There was nearly a cat fight over Maya Angelou, and Shel Silverstein was gone almost immediately. Then the other popular poets started going (Masters, Eliot, Frost, Pound etc…). I was the last person to choose. The poet I wanted, Mearns, wasn’t on the list. So, I chose e. e. cummings. Just in case you ever have to take Senior Honors Lit with Mr. Kurtz… e. e. cummings is his least favorite poet. He prefers that no one choose cummings. He doesn’t tell you this until after you’ve made your choice. I got the highest grade in the class, and developed a further appreciation for eccentric poetry. One assignment was to recite two works from the chosen poet, from memory, for the class. I chose “anyone lived in a pretty how town” and “the way to hump a cow is not” (I went to an UPTIGHT protestant private school). Hilarity ensued!

Second side note… I tell Big C that I love him more than the sun and the moon and the stars, which is from “anyone lived in a pretty how town.” When he was a baby “moon and stars” was how he said “I love you.” My sister called me one day and asked, why is C repeating “moon and stars” over and over, so I told her, and she said to him once and he got upset and told her “Minta.” As in, “only Minta is allowed to say moon and stars.” When Big C is in high school, if he has to do a project on a 20th century American poet, I will tell him this story so that he knows where “moon and stars” came from. If Mr. Kurtz is still teaching, I will encourage him to pick e. e. cummings!

You would think these stories would help me feel less haunted. But, my stomach feels strangely empty, and I’m surrounded by ghosts of a 12 year old, a newly six year old, an almost four year old and a sweet little just turned two year old.

As I was walking up the stair

I saw a child who wasn’t there

She wasn’t there again today

I wish, I wish she’d come to stay

********** ********** ********** ********** ********** ********** ********** ********** ********** ********** **********

New Feature!!!! Right, so in the spirit of November and American Thanksgiving, at least this month, my goal is going to be to write a daily “what I’m thankful for.”

Today I’m thankful for a pug to snuggle me up a night. She’s the best heating pad for cramps. She’s the best foot warmer on a cold night. She’s just the right size for snuggling up without getting in the way.


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