Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Swamps of Sadness November 12, 2009

Filed under: Infertility,Marriage,Miscarriage,The Blah — arminta @ 10:22 am

Warning: Here there be darkness. It’s the ramblings of the depressed and mean little to nothing except that I need to get it out.

I’m going down like Artax, folks, but nobody’s even trying to pull me out. (OK, that was a Never Ending Story reference, highlighting both the fact that I’m a dork and also that even as an adult I watch hokey children’s fantasy movies from the 80’s. Who am I kidding The Never Ending Story was wicked bad-ass.)

 

But, yes, I am still The Depressed. I cried all day at work. I considered running my car off the road on my way home. But, that would be too hard for family to deal with (and is also how G’s Dad killed himself, and it didn’t work out well, ended up being a long drawn out affair) so couldn’t do it. Before you go freaking out, I’m not really “suicidal.” I don’t want to “die.” I just don’t want to live this life anymore. I don’t want to be the mother of dead children. I don’t want to be responsible for making sure other people’s shit gets taken care of. I don’t want to be a programmer. I don’t want to be roughly the size of a young whale. I’m tired of giving and giving and giving and giving and getting jack fucking nothing in return. But, I can’t even plan a fake suicide properly, as it would be too hard for other people to deal with. I wouldn’t want G and Big C carrying that weight for the rest of their lives. Although, maybe it’d be better for G. He could finally bag that fertile porn star who can cook, doesn’t have an opinion on anything important and likes hairy men. ARGH!

 

Don’t get me wrong, the whole situation with G is my fault. I don’t talk about how I’m feeling because I don’t want to upset him. I don’t ask him to help because he works hard, too. I don’t ever explicitly tell him that I’m feeling rather run down and used and need a fucking break and to be treated like I’m more than a means to satisfaction. Of course, the reason I don’t say these things, is because I don’t feel I should have to. I think if you really love your wife, and she comes in from wailing crying in her car and has obviously been crying all day, the natural response should be something like *hug* “let me make you some tea, or a stiff drink, while you put on your jammies. Wanna watch Twilight or one of your movies? I’ll order pizza/make dinner.” Not “hey babe what’s on the menu tonight? Cuban hash, what’s that, what’s in it? I don’t know if that sounds good… No, I don’t want to help.” (Then after wolfing down two bowls, “yeah that was good.”)

Yes, that’s where my head is right now. I’m feeling fuckitall, with a dash of whybother. But, I have to suck it up and go to work and pretend everything’s OK. I did tell a couple of people yesterday, that it was getting really close to my due date (because they called and I couldn’t cover up the crying fast enough), so maybe they’ll at least be understanding if I don’t leave my office and don’t answer my phone all day. I should stay home, but I can’t. I talked my boss into hiring one of my friends from high school for a project and it’s in the thick right now, so I don’t show up it’ll be hell for the next week how I set back the project by having to take a personal day.

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2 Responses to “Swamps of Sadness”

  1. Katie Says:

    Arminta, I am so sorry that you feel this way. I’ve been down this road in my life and so I do understand. I know that your husband should see that you are depressed and understand what you need but speaking from experience they just dont know sometimes what to do. They’re wired differently. Not all men, but many of them including mine and perhaps including yours. Tell him how you feel, and tell him exactly what you need when days like this. I used to resist on principle too, but at least for me, once had that the conversation and I told him, he managed to do those things, and truly that means he loves you, he just didn’t know how best to help you before that.

    Also, you might want to talk to someone professional. Aain, I speak from experience, that it does help.

    You have to fight for yourself Arminta. Even if these measures don’t work, they are worth trying because you are taking care of yourself!

    • panamahat Says:

      I agree with Katie on this. If your partner was female, I would say yes, a more ‘appropriate’ emotional response to your situation could well be expected. But as a man, he IS wired differently (see The Female Brain, by Louann Brizandine http://www.louannbrizendine.com/) and as such, you WILL need to spell it out for him.

      If, after spelling it out for him, he is STILL unable to meet your emotional needs, then you may need a facilitator to help you work it out together. A personal counsellor to help you through is also a very good idea. I have been seeing one since my seventh miscarriage and it is doing me the WORLD of good.

      There are lots of options for resolving this crisis, and returning you to good mental and emotional health. But doing nothing is not one of them. I strongly urge you to find someone to support you independently (who is not your husband) and then you can work with them on the issues with your husband, and THEN you’ll be better prepared to approach him and explain clearly what it is you need from him and how he can give it to you.

      I am wishing you every success. I know what the bottom of this pit feels and looks like and it is not pretty. I wish I had an endless rope to haul everyone out of there. xx


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