Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Window Missed November 18, 2009

Filed under: Infertility,Marriage — arminta @ 7:11 pm

So, we all know that having “timed intercourse” sucks ass. Well, maybe not all of us. I normally sympathize with those who have to resort to even suckier means of insemination. Normally, I take some small shred of comfort in the fact that though I may not ovulate on my own without medication (be it Metformin or Clomid), I may be a habitual aborter, but at least we don’t have male factor issues. At least sex can still do the job. At least I can feel normal about that.

 

Normally, I feel that way. Today, not so much. Today I would prefer a catheter and ultrasound wand. Today I would prefer the order and schedule and certainty of a medical procedure to leaving it to whether or not I feel like having sex with my husband.

 

That’s bad, right? The state of things has gotten such to the point that not only do I not want to have sex on a regular day, but neither of us want to have sex even during possible ovulation. Needless to say sexapaloosa has not gone according to plan. Or at all. We’ve done it a whopping twice this month.

 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that neither of us wants to have sex. It’s just that neither of us want to have sex at the same time or with each other. That sounds wrong. I want to have sex with him, just not the way it’s been happening. It has come to if I want his sperm then I need to initiate, I need to “make it happen” and then I need to deal with literal complaints and general disrespect all during. Not “you’re a bad wife and I hate you” kind of disrespect, more like “oh yeah, suck it” or “that’s a good girl” kind of disrespect. Stuff that’s really little and could be kind of fun in the right context. I know sounds charming right. That’s not to say I’m the only one who initiates. Occasionally while I’m watching TV or reading or trying to work at home he’ll walk up to me and put his dick in my face. Cause, you know, that’s how every girl wants to be come on to.

 

So, that’s WAY too much information about my shitty sex life. But it was put out there for two reasons. One, if you’re in a shitty place because of IF stealing your marital spark, you aren’t alone. It sucks, but you aren’t. Two, all of that is the back story for how we’ve missed our window this month.

 

Our window, as you may know if read regularly, can be rather wide as far when I’m going to ovulate. But, once I get the green light signs it’s pretty short, just like everyone elses. I live my whole month in preparation for this window. It’s the most important thing. It’s important enough to run my marriage through the ringer (because it will be worth it). It’s important enough to reschedule important events. That window holds all of my hope for the future. That window is my only chance at the life I’ve always wanted. That window, that chance, is all I have some days.

 

So, for an entire month to be lost to something as fickle as a sex drive, is devastating. For one window to be lost because someone is too tired, or doesn’t feel like it, is a waste. A waste of time, sure, but mostly a waste of hope. To waste a window, to waste my hope is a very deep hurt. It’s deeper than the hurt of not moving the hot tub that would save me from pain. It’s deeper than the hurt of bad sex. It’s the equivalent of saying “right now, I don’t love you enough to want to have a child with you, and your deepest desire is of no importance to me.”

 

So, last night was our window. Yesterday was the only time this month that I saw EWCM. Now, that doesn’t mean anything definitive, we’re not far enough out to really know if I even ovulated this month. I could be upset over a non-window. Regardless, last night had all the makings of ovulation. Last night was the time that I felt held our best chances. Last night was the window. It was the time I’d been preparing for all month.

 

But, my window was missed. When I brought the subject up the answer was “Can’t we do it in the morning? I’m tired.” Any other night that would have been fine. Any other night that might have dinged my pride a little, but nothing more. Last night, though, more than my pride was on the line. Last night, our future was on the line.  Last night, it was the equivalent of saying he didn’t love me.

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15 Responses to “Window Missed”

  1. panamahat Says:

    Yes, I know this dilemma well. I also hate it. I sympathise and empathise and wish I could wave a magic wand for all of us so we could redeem our sex lives. Sigh. YOU are not alone, either. Not that it’s much comfort. But there you go.

  2. Michelle Says:

    Wow. Mine walks up while I am doing all those things and puts his dick in my face too. Glad to know I’m not alone.

  3. V Says:

    I remember that one morning, he was still sleepy but otherwise ‘woken up’. I thought I’d caress both of us, do all the work, thinking he would be happily surprised to be waking up that way. (I was wrong) He pushed me off of him, saying he wanted to sleep. I left for work early, tears streaming down my face and came *this* close to accepting an offer of ‘help’ from a colleague.

  4. Jo Says:

    Oh, honey, I have soooooooooooooooo been there. More times than I would like to admit. And it sucks, every single time. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

    Hugs,
    Jo

  5. Journeywoman Says:

    DAMN have I been there. It got so bad that I was ALWAYS being the initiator and I took it to mean that he didn’t want me anymore. It’s better now, but still I know where you’re coming from. (no pun intended)

  6. Tally Says:

    This resonates with me so deeply. Thank you for writing this post.

  7. Serenity Says:

    Here from the blog roundup.

    You’re not alone – I’ve been there myself. It only got better when we were told that no amount of sex would likely get us pregnant. Because he felt like I was using him for his sperm. And since I ALWAYS had to initiate, so I felt like he didn’t want me.

    Sucks. No two ways about it.

    xxx

  8. Michelle Says:

    I have so been there done that…unfortunately…still doing that. Sex has become a project rather then something to enjoy. It really really sucks!!! My husband so does the dick in the face thing…I thought it was just me. ((HUGS))

  9. LCP Says:

    Hi! I just came across your post and I remember being exactly where you are a few years back. I felt like I was ‘raping’ him sometimes, even though he had a healthy sex drive. He felt like I was using him. If it makes you feel any better, even though it probably won’t, EWCM comes up to 3 days before OV so you still have a little window left. Good luck and I hope this is your month (if you can bare to be around him that is ;-).

  10. Anna Says:

    I am so sorry. I know the situation too. I had ovulations signs that were pointing to last night, my husband said ‘We’ll cancel the late night supermarket shop and come back here and have sex instead!’ which seemed sweet and enthusiastic. So we went to the supermarket and didn’t mention the sex again… Sometimes this is all so deeply exhausting. Sending as much positivity your way as I can, take care.

  11. Here from the round up too. Thank you for your honesty in this post, and you most certainly are not alone! I always had to initiate it around that time, and after many, many months of lots of TI, we hardly ever did it at other times of the month because we knew there would be a week of physically and emotionally exhausting forced sex. We eventually had to do IUIs due to male factor, and that was almost a relief, except then we fought about having to have “homework” intercourse the two days after the IUI.

    I totally understand when you say that his declining last night was the equivalent of saying he didn’t love you. I felt the same way.

    One thing I found was that sometimes he just really WAS tired. A couple of times, what worked for us was for me to use my, um, hands, and collect the goods in an Instead cup and insert that in me (carefully of course, trying not to spill), kind of a DIY insemination. It was certainly less romantic and intimate, but by that point, romance and intimacy had really gone out the window anyway.

    I hope this all gets better someday. I just want our sex life to go back to the way it used to be, before infertility ruined it.

  12. Myndi Says:

    Also here from the round up. DH and I were on month 14 of natural TTC when we moved onto treatments, and I have to admit, it was such a relief. All that trying ruined our sex life, and it did get to the point where, if it wasn’t the window, it wasn’t happening, and I was the one who began to feel somewhat violated. I had lost all interest in sex and it was emotionally devastating having to make myself perform when it wasn’t what I wanted to do.

    Since then, the drive has come back a little bit at a time. We’re nowhere near our pre-TTC selves, and I suspect we never will be. But I see light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully the same will be true for you, somewhere down the road.

  13. Sue Says:

    Here from the Blog Roundup.

    Yes. After two difficult years, we are finally ready to try again, and sex has become a function, not an act of intimacy. And I wonder, sometimes, how we will ever get back to that intimacy. Sex simply as a way to share something between two people who love each other.

    Thank you for writing an honest, if difficult post.

  14. luna Says:

    also came over for the roundup to thank you for this post. amazing how much infertility robs us of a “normal” life. it just sucks. that is all.


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