Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The One In Which I Whine December 31, 2009

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant — arminta @ 12:06 pm

So, that’s not really new, but I couldn’t think of a more creative title.

Obviously, no medical news to report. Damn long weekend. Normally, I’m all over the long weekend. Three days away from the cave? Me, please, I’ll take it! This week, I’m all “Monday, where are you?”

So, to help ease my mind, a list!

– I feel nauseous today.

– I have already peed 5 times today and it’s not even noon, yet.

– I need a nap. STAT!

– I ate breakfast two hours ago and am hungry now.

All things I didn’t feel yesterday. All good signs that the hcg is increasing.

But, why oh why must it be this hard? Seriously? Why can’t I just get knocked up and be all “hey a baby’s coming!”? Because history says a baby isn’t coming. History says heartbreak is coming, and how!

This morning G was rubbing my tummy and saying “Good morning, baby” which is the first recognition he’s given to the baby at all. I wanted to join him in the happiness and talk to the baby with him, but I just don’t feel “it” yet. Even though I physically feel pregnant, I don’t feel it emotionally, yet. I want to. I want to just throw myself into it history be damned. But, I can’t, yet.


OK questions: has anyone out there stayed on Plaquenil during pregnancy? Has anyone had such a low beta and now have a baby from that pregnancy?

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Weird Feeling of Limbo December 30, 2009

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant,The Blah — arminta @ 1:53 pm

Well, after a month of spotty posting, 2 in 2 days feels rather monumental.

Here’s an update on the apparent pregnancy. Yesterday (11 dpo) my beta came back at 13 and the progesterone at 32. Low numbers to be sure, but on the low side of normal. I only have Blueberry Bean for comparison, and his numbers were 121 and 80 respectively. That beta was drawn at 14 dpo, though. So, needless to say, I’m not feeling too optimistic about this pregnancy working out.

I hope it does. My biggest hope is that this pregnancy picks up steam and results in a live baby. But, it doesn’t feel likely at this point. G is also not getting his hopes up. He tried to tell me that the very clearly positive HPT’s were negative. Then after I told him the beta numbers, he said “for today, we gotta take it day by day.” In other words… “I’ll believe it when there’s a baby in my arms.”

It’s so weird. I don’t “feel” pregnant. I mean don’t get me wrong, I feel a little crampy, I feel tired and I’ve been nauseous a couple of times in the past few days, but I don’t “feel” pregnant. Maybe the novelty of the first 5 weeks of pregnancy have worn off? Maybe the seventh times a charm?

 

Nothing Much to Say December 29, 2009

Filed under: Infertility,Pregnant — arminta @ 6:47 pm

I’m not really sure what’s going on with me lately. I just don’t have anything to say. I haven’t really been reading either (I’m sorry, I’ll catch up soon, I promise!). I have been busy with the boys and the holidays and I’m a damn liar. I’ve been laying on my ass (and walking with the Wii Fit) and playing Facebook games. OK, it’s a combination of laying on my ass and being busy. But mostly, it’s this sort of apathetic feeling that’s been creeping in.

It’s kind of an “it’s all been done” kind of feeling. Like cycle news isn’t important anymore, because I’ve been cycling for SOO long. It’s not like IVF cycles which are events. It’s just a cycle, with a kick. Life news is same ol, same ol. Everything feels like it’s the second time, and this time it just isn’t interesting.

I don’t understand why this feeling of apathy, either. I don’t have anything to be depressed about. Things are actually going OK. Christmas sucked, but all of the days around it were fine. Things are clearing financially. My car will be paid off in just 3 more payments. If that house would sell, we’d actually be back in good shape financially. Plus, it looks like G’s promotion is getting ready to come through. So, all good things. Maybe that’s why the lack of writing inspiration. Maybe I’m one of those depressed can only write when I’m miserable types? That’s boring, I hope it’s not the case. OK, let’s move on to more good news.

Well, as I mentioned before I did an unmonitored Femara cycle just for shits and giggles (my LEAST favorite phrase, BTW), today is CD 27, or 11 dpo. As of this minute I appear to be pregnant. We all know that with me these things aren’t guaranteed, so I’m not counting any chickens until I’ve got a couple of solid beta’s under my belt, but for now it appears that I’m pregnant. Good news. This would indicate we have the “getting pregnant” part of our infertility issues pretty well under control. That’s like a 75% pregnancy rate for medicated cycles. Now we need to work on staying pregnant. Hopefully the new protocol will help with that.

Please no congratulations. It’s not going to be real for me until I see a heartbeat, and I won’t be able to hope for an actual baby until the third trimester. But it’s good, just not congratulatory good, yet.

 

Wow, Somebody Dropped Off of the Face of the Earth December 22, 2009

Filed under: Family,Infertility,The Blah — arminta @ 6:33 pm

Betcha can’t guess who it was…

OK, I’ll admit, it was me 😦

What happened? Well, a couple of things… I got sick. Like really sick. Like, pneumonia sick. Also, I got really lazy. Lazier than normal, I mean.

I don’t think I mentioned it, as I haven’t been very cycle-y this cycle, but I am 3-4 dpo (depending on if you believe me or that whore FertilityFoe). Also, I kind of (meaning “this is exactly what I did”) did an unmonitored Femara cycle. My ladies were a hurtin’ coming up on ovulation, so I’m a hopin’ that means we had more than one eggy. I also had some “AF is coming now” type cramps today, which should be early for implantation, but I’m putting my eggs in that basket any ol’ way. Apparently, I’m also a gold rusher from the 1840’s now, too.

So, there’s the cyle update… Let’s see… the family holiday plans are a hot mess. But, whatever. I’m not going to bitch about them because there’s no point.

What else is up? I’m tired of my job. Like really tired. Like ready to look for something else tired. I am a software developer for a SMALL consulting company, and I’m not sure if it’s the company or the work or the both, but I am SO ready for a change it’s not funny. I find myself wasting a lot of time at work, which is bad. I like my clients, but I just cannot concentrate on my work. Like at all. I don’t know what to do. Thankfully all of our benefits are through G’s company, but my income is the primary income, so a change for me is a big change. And also, we are a little on the broke side right now, so I’m pretty sure G would FLIP if I suggested making a change right now. But, I’d like to write more (and get paid for it). I’d like to be home more. I’d like to do something where I set my schedule, not something 9-5 (or 10-6 in my case). I’d like to take some time off to get my shit together. (This is something that I go through every 4-5 years, so I’m due…)

OK, all done. Maybe it was good I dropped off. I didn’t have anything interesting to say, anyway.

 

Today I am 30 December 15, 2009

Filed under: Infertility — arminta @ 10:20 pm

Yes, this very day I am 30. 30! Holy shit. It still hasn’t sunk in.

I don’t feel 30. Grown ups are 30, and I don’t feel like a grown up. I mean, sure, I have a career, rather than a job. I do own a house. I have a couple of car payments. I have lots of grey hair. So, from the outside, I can see how it might look like I’m clearly in grown up territory. But inside, I still feel like an insecure kid who’s still figuring it all out. I still watch cartoons, for goodness sake! (I am literally watching cartoons right this minute.)

Probably I feel this way because my life is nowhere near where I expected it to be at 30. (Let’s make a game of counting how many times I say 30, this counts, in a single post!) For instance… I thought I would live away from my family and the cold boringness of Ohio. I thought I would be a stay at home mother. I thought I would have 3 or 4 kids. I thought I would be DONE with having kids by 30. I thought my life would revolve around mothering small, living, children. I planned on homeschooling and canning and gardening. I thought I’d be one of those crafty, stay-at-home, church volunteering types. That was the plan.

That is essentially the opposite of the life I am actually living at 30. I am a childless, career type with God issues. I haven’t had a decent producing garden in five years. And, I’m SOOO fat. That was definitely not part of the plan.

Speaking of… I went to the doctor today. The GP doctor because I woke up sick (on my birthday, yuck!). My weight is up. It’s out of control up. I weigh 361 pounds. I gained 30 pounds this year. OUCH! Considering I’ve been through two losses and a cancer scare, and family drama a 10% weight gain isn’t really crazy. But… for a 330 pound woman to gain 30 pounds for ANY reason is pretty unacceptable.

That said, I need to get this shit under control. But for real. The potential plan? If this cycle isn’t successful, then this coming year becomes one of putting the baby plans on hold in order to focus on health.

(10, the final count was 10)

 

You Have Got to be F’ing Kidding Me December 11, 2009

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Miscarriage — arminta @ 10:03 am

I know this has nothing to do with me. I know other women are allowed to have children on 12/11/2009. I know that the day isn’t sacred to anyone other than me. But this is so not what I needed to start my day:

Kendra Wilkinson and her husband, Indianapolis Colts player Hank Baskett, have welcomed their first child, a boy, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.

Hank Baskett IV, who weighed 9 lbs 5 oz, was born via C-section early Friday morning in Indianapolis.

I want vodka and I’m not even dressed, yet. Bad day for a sales meeting with a new client… Especially since I’m not a sales person and will have to “turn on.” Mother fucker!

That is all…

 

39 Weeks December 5, 2009

Filed under: Miscarriage — arminta @ 11:33 am

Today is 39w1d.

Today is CD2.

Today is empty.