Yes, this very day I am 30. 30! Holy shit. It still hasn’t sunk in.
I don’t feel 30. Grown ups are 30, and I don’t feel like a grown up. I mean, sure, I have a career, rather than a job. I do own a house. I have a couple of car payments. I have lots of grey hair. So, from the outside, I can see how it might look like I’m clearly in grown up territory. But inside, I still feel like an insecure kid who’s still figuring it all out. I still watch cartoons, for goodness sake! (I am literally watching cartoons right this minute.)
Probably I feel this way because my life is nowhere near where I expected it to be at 30. (Let’s make a game of counting how many times I say 30, this counts, in a single post!) For instance… I thought I would live away from my family and the cold boringness of Ohio. I thought I would be a stay at home mother. I thought I would have 3 or 4 kids. I thought I would be DONE with having kids by 30. I thought my life would revolve around mothering small, living, children. I planned on homeschooling and canning and gardening. I thought I’d be one of those crafty, stay-at-home, church volunteering types. That was the plan.
That is essentially the opposite of the life I am actually living at 30. I am a childless, career type with God issues. I haven’t had a decent producing garden in five years. And, I’m SOOO fat. That was definitely not part of the plan.
Speaking of… I went to the doctor today. The GP doctor because I woke up sick (on my birthday, yuck!). My weight is up. It’s out of control up. I weigh 361 pounds. I gained 30 pounds this year. OUCH! Considering I’ve been through two losses and a cancer scare, and family drama a 10% weight gain isn’t really crazy. But… for a 330 pound woman to gain 30 pounds for ANY reason is pretty unacceptable.
That said, I need to get this shit under control. But for real. The potential plan? If this cycle isn’t successful, then this coming year becomes one of putting the baby plans on hold in order to focus on health.
(10, the final count was 10)