Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Today I am 30 December 15, 2009

Filed under: Infertility — arminta @ 10:20 pm

Yes, this very day I am 30. 30! Holy shit. It still hasn’t sunk in.

I don’t feel 30. Grown ups are 30, and I don’t feel like a grown up. I mean, sure, I have a career, rather than a job. I do own a house. I have a couple of car payments. I have lots of grey hair. So, from the outside, I can see how it might look like I’m clearly in grown up territory. But inside, I still feel like an insecure kid who’s still figuring it all out. I still watch cartoons, for goodness sake! (I am literally watching cartoons right this minute.)

Probably I feel this way because my life is nowhere near where I expected it to be at 30. (Let’s make a game of counting how many times I say 30, this counts, in a single post!) For instance… I thought I would live away from my family and the cold boringness of Ohio. I thought I would be a stay at home mother. I thought I would have 3 or 4 kids. I thought I would be DONE with having kids by 30. I thought my life would revolve around mothering small, living, children. I planned on homeschooling and canning and gardening. I thought I’d be one of those crafty, stay-at-home, church volunteering types. That was the plan.

That is essentially the opposite of the life I am actually living at 30. I am a childless, career type with God issues. I haven’t had a decent producing garden in five years. And, I’m SOOO fat. That was definitely not part of the plan.

Speaking of… I went to the doctor today. The GP doctor because I woke up sick (on my birthday, yuck!). My weight is up. It’s out of control up. I weigh 361 pounds. I gained 30 pounds this year. OUCH! Considering I’ve been through two losses and a cancer scare, and family drama a 10% weight gain isn’t really crazy. But… for a 330 pound woman to gain 30 pounds for ANY reason is pretty unacceptable.

That said, I need to get this shit under control. But for real. The potential plan? If this cycle isn’t successful, then this coming year becomes one of putting the baby plans on hold in order to focus on health.

(10, the final count was 10)

Advertisements
 

4 Responses to “Today I am 30”

  1. Jo Says:

    I so get the unmet expectations. I thought I’d be done having kids by now, too — or at least have a few little ones running around. Its funny how things never turn out the way you thought they would.

    Hope your birthday turns itself around and you feel better!

    Hugs,
    Jo

  2. jill Says:

    Happy Birthday! 🙂

    I know how you feel about turning 30. I felt the exact same way and I feel it more and more every time my bday rolls around again. I am an adult?! Wtf.

  3. MEG. Says:

    Happy 30th, Minta! (I’ll be joining you in about 3 months. Doh!)

    I agree that it totally sucks to not be on the chapter of life you had originally imagined.

    I’m sorry for the weight woes. You’ve been through so much. Your poor body is grieving. =(

    I hope you and DH managed to have a night night together.

  4. ju Says:

    Sorry to hear things are still shite (we sometimes say shite here in Ireland instead of shit!) It’s pretty grim that things are not working out your way. This may not be any consolation, but…..at 38, nearly 39, I still feel 25. I think that never goes away, kids or no kids. I’m thin and cannot make a baby, so in that context I think weight has shite all to do with it. Yeah sure, try your best with the weight, it will be better for you all round, but don’t beat yourself up. And finally a lttle compliment for you….you are very funny, you have a great turn of phrase and your express yourself so very well…..I really admire you. Plus, you do angry like nobody else I read……and I love that. Your posts are raw honesty. Thinking of you and hoping it gets better, J


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s