Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Am Lame. The End. January 27, 2010

Filed under: Completely and Entirely Unrelated to IF,Pregnant,Week 8 — arminta @ 6:01 pm

Well, not really the end, although continued reading will only serve to support the fact that I am lame and have nothing of value or importance to say. Also, it will prove that I blog when I should be working. Which we already knew.

There is no news on the baby front. Still waiting for ultrasound #2. Still choosing to believe that everything is going to turn out just fine unless/until given indication that it won’t. Week 8 is treating me pretty much the same as week 7, hungry, tired, grumpy (probably from the hungry and tired), bowels very much not regular. Getting to be the norm around here. We’ll take!

Desperately need to get plan underway for money matters. Planning to get on that with tax return budgeting.

Things are somewhat better at work, simply because I now have the mantra “It doesn’t matter, you only have to last until September.” You want to completely change the design from the requirements I gathered? Help yourself, but I’m not cleaning up your mess. You want to let a buffoon who can’t put together an intelligible sentence if his life depends on it take change requests? Let’s do that! It’s a whole new Minta. I’m getting lots of comments about how much nicer she is, too. We are over budget on a handful of projects, that I normally would have worked harder to ensure that didn’t happen on, but whatev’s you can manage things however you want.

In fun news… I saw Legion last night with G, my Pops and my Bro. It was… awesome isn’t quite the right word. It’s more like terrisome, or aweible. Confession: I lurve Snakes on a Plane. No, I don’t think it’s a well written cinema classic. I do think it’s HILARIOUS.Legion wasn’t quite on par with Snakes on a Plane. Let’s face it, Samuel L. is no match for Paul Bettany when it comes to actual acting, and the action sequences in Legion were good for real (not in like fake snakes flying about an airplane cabin). The action sequences were kick ass. If there’s anything I like better than an angel with a mechanical mace, it’s an angel with bulletproof wings AND a mechanical mace. It does sound a bit the dumb when typed like that, but trust, action sequences were the high point of this movie for genuine entertainment.

In the arena of SOAP (that would be Snakes On A Plane) entertainment, the Legion was far more rich. Here is a list of things that actually happen, seriously, in the movie:

  • An angel told a dumbass kid who was lovesick over a girl who’s 8 mo’s pregnant with somebody else’s baby that HE was the reason mankind deserved redemption. (Not people who devote their lives to helping the needy, not missionaries or other such do-gooders)
  • An angel pulled a rocket launcher out of nowhere and blew up a bunch of possessed people, including a little girl with a balloon.
  • In the midst of being attacked by possessed people, Charles Dutton found time to give Tyrese a life lesson on not being a thug, and Tyrese found time to pass along the same message to a teenage girl.
  • A baby was born and not fed for like 48 hours, and it didn’t cry (but not because it died of starvation).
  • A baby was popped into the air when a door hit the person who was holding it, the angel caught it right before it floor (real life – head would have hit the floor, but dolls don’t have floppy heads) and was OK.
  • A baby was in a car accident (no car seat) in which the car flipped like 4 times, someone in the backseat died, and didn’t even cry (but again, not because it was dead).
  • Angels likened themselves to software consultants (one of them literally said “The difference between us is you give God what he asks for, I’m going to give him what he needs” very common saying in my industry…)

That’s a short list. I think the people in front of us were getting a little pissed because I spent the entire movie sniggering and making snarky comments because could not help myself, too damn funny. When the movie was over my Pops looked up like eh, what’d you think and I said “I’ve had with these motha fucking angels in this motha fucking diner” at which my Bro lost his business he was laughing so hard.

So, that’s what I’ve been up to… It is confirmed: LAME.

 

Money Matters January 26, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant — arminta @ 2:26 pm

It has just occurred to my husband that in about seven months I might have a baby, and that might cost some money. I think he’s caught the money stresses a little early, but he has them nonetheless. The truth is, while things are going to be looking up significantly in the next couple of months, we have actually been having a rather hard time financially. Our expenses were quite high last year and frankly in my depressed state I let the bills get a little out of control.

At any rate, his concerns got me to thinking about lifestyle after the baby is born and what I want versus what is practical. Being practical sucks! I am going to have to be a lot more focused and budget minded in the next few months. It’s going to be a big adjustment going from the unstructured way we live now (hello eating out just because I don’t feel like cooking) to the way we’re going to need to live.

 

Sprout’s Debut January 23, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant,Week 8 — arminta @ 5:03 pm

It’s a picture of a picture, but I’ve seen worse… I cannot believe how big this baby is, or how developed. With Bean I didn’t really know what to look for at 7 weeks, but being able to clearly see a head and arms and legs (this might be a little too fuzzy, but I promise on the real deal arms and legs are clear, tiny and skinny, but totally there) is a world of difference.

So, I made a “wish list” for things to come of this ultrasound which consisted of:

– A perfect heartbeat (Check)

– Baby measuring spot on (Check)

– Dr. G agree to weekly ultrasounds to quell my anxiety (NO Check)

Nope, Dr. Groll would agree to every two weeks at the most. He actually thinks I might only get two more before he kicks me out to the regular people’s OB. He is already planning to kick me out to the regular people’s OB. Holy shit, this thing might just happen this time!

I know it’s early. I haven’t even passed the mark where I lost Bean. I’m only a little better than half way through the first trimester. There’s still time for bad things to happen. But, right now, just for today, I feel a little invincible. I have a fraction of that “I’m pregnant, therefore I’ll give birth” feeling that regular people get.

In addition to my stunning events of yesterday, I yakked at the Cracker Barrel this morning. We were done eating, and I was rocking Little C outside while waiting for the rest of the peep’s to finish up shopping, when I smelled someone who had been smoking in their car. I instantly gagged and had to run for the restroom. I have thrown up from morning sickness before, but not like this. In that run to the bathroom I felt like a “real pregnant person.” I didn’t have that feeling of being an impostor, or of being pretend pregnant or temporarily pregnant. I just felt pregnant. And it felt good. That’s right, tossing my cookies in a public bathroom (and dropping a two year old onto my husband to do it) felt good.

 

The Moment We’ve All Been Waiting For… January 22, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant — arminta @ 7:10 pm

So, I shant bore you with details of the appointment and how awesome my RE’s office is. I know that no one cares (but for real, in south western OH you can not beat Kettering Reproductive Medicine). Also, I’m lazy, so I’ll have to post the picture later.

*  We have a heartbeat. One, perfect heartbeat. Beating 142 bpm.

*  We have a baby. One, perfect baby measuring 9.4mm (crown to rump). Spot on to gestational age.

Could. Not. Be. Happier. It’s just not possible.

*

*

Because I’m morbid, I compared this babies measurements with Bean’s from the same time frame (Sprout 7w0d, Bean 6w6d, very close).

.          Bean        Sprout

HB     116             142

Len    3.2             9.4

I must say, I am definitely developing some hope.

 

Six more hours

Filed under: Pregnant — arminta @ 8:58 am

In just six more hours I’ll know if we have a heartbeat.

I’ll know if this pregnancy at least has a chance of becoming a live baby.

I’ll know if there’s one or two lives inside of me.

Six hours has never seemed longer in my life!

 

Getting Antsy January 19, 2010

Filed under: Pregnant,The Fear — arminta @ 7:31 pm

I’m getting really ready for that ultrasound on Friday. I feel so much more than I ever have before, and I need that confirmation that everything really is going well. Or, I need the early heads up to stop with the hope BS. But, either way I need to know.

G is basically of the opposite mind. He wants to just sit back and assume all is well unless we get some indication that it isn’t. Which, had we never experienced the hell of missed miscarriage I might be game for. But, considering last time I walked around with a dead baby inside of me for two weeks before finding out and then another five days afterwards, I’m going to have to disagree with him. Since he’s never had to walk around with something that he knows is dead in his body he can’t understand my perpetual need to know. I guess that’s what I’m most freaked out about, I want to know and at this point, if all goes to hell, I don’t want to have to pass it. I’d rather have a D&C and have it over with.

Obviously, my first preference would be for nothing to be wrong. My top pick would be that we have a stunning heartbeat and the baby measures spot on, and Dr. Groll lets me have weekly ultrasounds and every week goes perfectly until he boots me to the regular people’s OB who has a hard time understanding why I didn’t just start with her because my pregnancy is so freaking perfectly uneventful. That’s what I hope for. I’d be happy with much less. I’d be ecstatic with less. I’ll be deliriously happy if the end result is a living child of good health.

But that fear is just nagging me, and nagging me. Friday CAN NOT come soon enough. Even if G won’t be there (but I hope he changes his mind).

 

Pregnant Thoughts of a Habitual Aborter

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Fall Baby,Miscarriage,Pregnant,The Blah — arminta @ 1:39 pm

Today, I’m feeling a little conflicted. I’m happy for the baby I have today. Whether I have him for 2 more weeks or 10 or hopefully 30+ (but less than 34), and then for like 40 years on the outside, I want to enjoy that time. Today I’m really bogged down with thoughts of Blueberry Bean.

I got pregnant basically within days of Bean’s EDD, so he should be about as many weeks old as I am pregnant. My baby should be around 6 weeks old. According to my companies shit maternity policy I should already be back at work, or coming back very shortly. He should be getting into a schedule and our new family should be adjusting to our new life.

Even as I feel my uterus expanding (yes, already, another check in the twins column) and feel my breasts swelling and my body just generally preparing for the baby I am currently carrying, I long for my Bean. I feel like the rest of the world has moved on, my body has moved on, but I am stuck waiting. I know I won’t wake up to find the last seven months were just a bad dream. I know I will never hold “him,” never see “him.” But I still hope for those things. I still grieve for them.

I feel like a bad mother for saying this, but I do miss Bean most of all. He felt the most real, the most likely to become a living child. But, I do also think about my first quite often. I think about how completely and entirely different life would be with a 14-year-old. Especially this time of year, near her EDD. For me, my babies “birthdays” or the time that I mourn them most is more closely associated with their EDD than the time I was actually pregnant with them.

OK, I’ll stop depressing everyone. I just don’t know how to balance loving and appreciating the baby in utero without minimizing the ones that didn’t make it. Any thoughts?