So, here’s the deal, my pants stopped fitting sometime late last week. Don’t get me wrong, if I pulled them to the most narrow part of my waist, laid on the bed and tugged, I could get them buttoned and zipped. But, because of the Heparin bruising they would hurt and itch and drive me batshit crazy all day. So, I was reduced to wearing yoga pants to work. After two days of nothing but yoga pants I decided to go out and buy pants.
Before we talk about the pants, though, let’s talk about the belly and why it’s exploded such that I need new pants. Because here’s the thing… yes, I gained 30 pounds over the summer. But, some of it was coming back off (I had lost about 3 inches in my waist between discovering the gain, and discovering the pregnancy) and all my clothes used to be too big before the gain, so until two weeks ago my clothes all fit. Then my snuggest of jeans started getting too snug (around 5 weeks). Then last week, all of my pants became too snug. I believe the primary culprit is the Heparin shots. In addition to the bruising they cause the area where I do the injection to swell terribly. It’s very noticeable that the top of my stomach protrudes over the lower part of my stomach. I do more shots in the top, because I seem to have better luck with causing less bruising and pain up there. So, wearing lower cut pants, in addition to being very uncomfortable, causes much muffin topping. One thing I would like to point out is that the legs of my pants are actually looser, as are the arms of my tops. This isn’t weight gain, it’s swelling/bloating. I understand if all goes to plan, my belly is going to be gigantic. I really thought I had come to terms with that. But, this weekend, as I tried on pants after pants I realized that I had not.
So, like I was saying… my pants didn’t fit and my husband was sick of seeing me in yoga pants (he HATES yoga pants), so he suggested we go shopping. I had a gift card to a tacky plus sized ladies store, so I figured I go use that up. We went to said store and I tried on several pairs of pants and a couple of dresses that “look good on, you can’t judge them by how they look on the hanger.” I tried my normal size, no fucking way. I tried the next size up, it buttoned but didn’t zip, or it buttoned and zipped, but literally ate my feet. This went on for like 30 minutes, with every style of pants in the place. I gave up on pants, and decided to try skirts or dresses. Something to use up this gift card. The dresses were an awful polyester material and looked AWFUL. I finally said fuck it, put my clothes back on and left in tears. How on earth was I going to get some decent looking, decent fitting clothes? (On top of all that, my paycheck was late (AGAIN!), so I had $100 to my name. Yeah, looks like the yoga pants are sticking around.)
G was already waiting for me when I left the pits of despair, I mean, Lane Bryant. He very calmly said “You know, there’s a Motherhood Maternity around the corner…” Do what?!? I’m only six weeks, hello, too early for maternity! But, he made the case that the swelling is pregnancy induced. I do look much farther along than I am because of it, and if maternity pants would be comfortable, and get me out of those God awful yoga pants, I should give it a fair shake. So, for the first time in my life I entered Motherhood Maternity as a pregnant woman. Of course, they wouldn’t have my size. And, I totally didn’t belong there. And, I’ve heard lots of talk about Motherhood Maternity being a stinky whore. Yeah, I was totally NOT looking forward to going in there just to be told that I was too fat and not pregnant enough to join their club. But, my hubs was behind me, reminding me that as I have actually never been in the store, I couldn’t possibly know what I was talking about. (grrr, I hate it when he’s right!)
I begrudgingly entered the store and asked the lady who worked there if they plus sizes. She smiled and said “Oh, yes, we started carrying them a few months ago when we moved to this storefront from the other one and we got more room, and how far along are you? Oh, six weeks, never to early to be prepared… Oh, Haprin shots, ouch, let’s find you something comfy and work appropriate, then. Do you know how our sizes work?” Yes, she was nice. Maybe a little too nice, but in a crazy stuck on nice kind of way, not a fake I wish this fat bitch would leave kind of way. She helped me find not one, but two pairs of pants that fit my swollen belly and don’t look terrible. Actually, they look kind of good. Not great, mind, but 20x better than my muffin top jeans or my yoga pants. And, they were on sale. $20 each. I got jeans and khaki’s for $40. And, the lady gave me a small bottle of Palmer’s oil for my itchy, bruised up tummy. It was only a $1 value anyway, but it was still a nice gesture. So nice, I bought a box of Preggie Pops just because I felt so damn happy (and nauseous). I had a way better shopping experience there. By the end I felt less like and impostor and more like a welcome visitor.
(Also, my check came, so the bank cleared another $100 until Tuesday, so it ended up not breaking the bank, either! But, G had volunteered for two days of beans and rice if it meant me not wearing yoga pants. And, also, I have the best hubs on the planet.)