Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Pregnant Thoughts of a Habitual Aborter January 19, 2010

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Fall Baby,Miscarriage,Pregnant,The Blah — arminta @ 1:39 pm

Today, I’m feeling a little conflicted. I’m happy for the baby I have today. Whether I have him for 2 more weeks or 10 or hopefully 30+ (but less than 34), and then for like 40 years on the outside, I want to enjoy that time. Today I’m really bogged down with thoughts of Blueberry Bean.

I got pregnant basically within days of Bean’s EDD, so he should be about as many weeks old as I am pregnant. My baby should be around 6 weeks old. According to my companies shit maternity policy I should already be back at work, or coming back very shortly. He should be getting into a schedule and our new family should be adjusting to our new life.

Even as I feel my uterus expanding (yes, already, another check in the twins column) and feel my breasts swelling and my body just generally preparing for the baby I am currently carrying, I long for my Bean. I feel like the rest of the world has moved on, my body has moved on, but I am stuck waiting. I know I won’t wake up to find the last seven months were just a bad dream. I know I will never hold “him,” never see “him.” But I still hope for those things. I still grieve for them.

I feel like a bad mother for saying this, but I do miss Bean most of all. He felt the most real, the most likely to become a living child. But, I do also think about my first quite often. I think about how completely and entirely different life would be with a 14-year-old. Especially this time of year, near her EDD. For me, my babies “birthdays” or the time that I mourn them most is more closely associated with their EDD than the time I was actually pregnant with them.

OK, I’ll stop depressing everyone. I just don’t know how to balance loving and appreciating the baby in utero without minimizing the ones that didn’t make it. Any thoughts?


5 Responses to “Pregnant Thoughts of a Habitual Aborter”

  1. K Says:

    I understand how it feels and I miss my first bean the most as sad as it is to say. Don’t be hard on yourself for how you feel. Fingers crossed for you with this pregnancy!

  2. My thoughts: it’s fucking HARD!!!

    I apologize for the language- but really, there’s no other way possible to say it.

    Before my daughter- I had an ectopic pregnancy. I mourned, but not anywhere near in the way I mourn my son. Perhaps it’s because I DID hold him, and even though to most other people he didn’t live long enough to “count” he bloody well counts to me. And I’ll tell you a not-so-secret secret- I’ve cried more over my lost son in the last week since hitting the second trimester than I did in the previous 6 months. I think it’s referred to as “survivor’s guilt” and we have it doubly bad when pregnant because we feel guilt that this baby should thrive when our others didn’t.

    • arminta Says:

      Yes! I do feel like why should this baby get to do well when its brothers/sisters all died.

      I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t imagine the pain of actually giving birth only to watch helplessly as he slipped away. Of course he counts.

  3. MEG. Says:

    I wish I had some advice for you, Minta. =(

    All of your babies were living beings, your children — of course you’re going to miss them like mad and stay angry at the universe for a long, long time. This doesn’t make you a bad mother to Blueberry Bean.

  4. […] Original post: Pregnant Thoughts of a Habitual Aborter « Life Family and the … […]

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