Today, I’m feeling a little conflicted. I’m happy for the baby I have today. Whether I have him for 2 more weeks or 10 or hopefully 30+ (but less than 34), and then for like 40 years on the outside, I want to enjoy that time. Today I’m really bogged down with thoughts of Blueberry Bean.
I got pregnant basically within days of Bean’s EDD, so he should be about as many weeks old as I am pregnant. My baby should be around 6 weeks old. According to my companies shit maternity policy I should already be back at work, or coming back very shortly. He should be getting into a schedule and our new family should be adjusting to our new life.
Even as I feel my uterus expanding (yes, already, another check in the twins column) and feel my breasts swelling and my body just generally preparing for the baby I am currently carrying, I long for my Bean. I feel like the rest of the world has moved on, my body has moved on, but I am stuck waiting. I know I won’t wake up to find the last seven months were just a bad dream. I know I will never hold “him,” never see “him.” But I still hope for those things. I still grieve for them.
I feel like a bad mother for saying this, but I do miss Bean most of all. He felt the most real, the most likely to become a living child. But, I do also think about my first quite often. I think about how completely and entirely different life would be with a 14-year-old. Especially this time of year, near her EDD. For me, my babies “birthdays” or the time that I mourn them most is more closely associated with their EDD than the time I was actually pregnant with them.
OK, I’ll stop depressing everyone. I just don’t know how to balance loving and appreciating the baby in utero without minimizing the ones that didn’t make it. Any thoughts?