Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Dark Days in Mintaland February 27, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Family,Marriage,Pregnant — arminta @ 3:54 pm

So, here’s the rub. I got trouble. Right here in Minta City. Trouble, which starts with T which rhymes with P which stands for MIL. And also doesn’t rhyme with S which stands for Sister. But does rhyme with G which stands for, well, G. OK, I think I’ve played out this Music Man gag long enough. The point, I got some shit bothering me. Big shit. Here’s a list:

– Sister confirmed yesterday that she is 10 weeks pregnant with #3. There is a new C baking. I am 12 weeks pregnant with long awaited and worked for #1 (living, but 7 overall). Yes, really. Un-fucking-believable is right! Do I think it was on purpose… yes. Am I pissed… yes. Does this completely fuck me in terms of support and joy from my family, shit which I have waited a really fucking long time for… YES. Hurt, pissed, alone, need to scream now. More on this later. It dseserves it’s own post.

– MIL being a real cuntwad, as per usual. Is now rubbing in Aunt C’s face that she’s going to have a grandbaby, too and C won’t be the only one and blah blah blah. Hurting Aunt C’s feelings IS NOT COOL. As far as I’m concerned MIL doesn’t exist and Aunt C is Nana C. G is not fond of my attitude. Now wants everything to be peachy with his bitchface, twatwaffle mother. I suggest if she even wants civility that she get on the apology I requested before she stressed me out and my baby died. Apologizing for that stress would go a long way towards civility as well. I will never be friends with her again. NEVER.

– Last does of Metformin last night. Scared of impact on Sprout. The Fear is making an effort at returning.

– We have a house “on the market” see it’s in quotes because G has yet to go do the small bit of shit left to be done for the realtor to get it listed. There’s always something more important. Fact: he doesn’t want to deal with it. Fact: If it doesn’t sell by 5/1 we’re in deep shit with our mortgage insurance. Fact: We stand to pocket over $10k+ by doing 4-6 hours worth of work and spending $150-$200. But it’s never a good time. It’s a good time to dick around on Craig.s.list, or not play games with me and Big C or not communicate plans for the day, anyway PISSED. Very, very pissed. Even more pissed because I expressesd how disappointed that I am in the way today is shaping up and the response “Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you get to treat everybody like shit.” Oh, excuse the fuck out of me. I actually thought being pregnant meant that hubs would be more helpful, esp in the 10-20 minutes or so after throwing up. I was under the impression that it meant someone other than myself would be shoveling snow. I also thought it meant my husband might take 20 goddamn minutes to read up on the condition, give a shit and decide helping out more would be good, as am currently not feeling the best. But apparently no! It means get bitched at for not feeling great and wanting to make plans. You know the day after sister drops her little shit bomb. PISSED. I am really starting to get scared that when the baby comes it will be “me and the baby” and “him” as two separate entities. Oh, but he did do some laundry. You know, one of the things I am capable of doing. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help. Would have appreciated 1) working on old house, 2) playing with Big C, 3) making plans or 4) finally taking me to lunch at Indian Restaurant I’ve been craving for 3 weeks a hell of a lot more.

OK, I’ll quit bitching. I undserstand that G is taking a bit of a hit because I’m so upset about Sister and MIL. But, for fucks sake, if you know somebody is upset and feeling like hell why would you not try to do everything you could to help them out and make things easier? I don’t get it.

Really quiting bitching, now. Have to go shovel snow at the other house.

 

Somebody’s Grouchy February 26, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant,The Blah — arminta @ 12:38 pm

And it’s ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yeah, so I’ve been noticeably absent again. Still got something bugging me, but have decided I probably won’t go on a rant about it. But also… I’ve been grouchy this week. This has been an uncomfortable week. I try not to bring up my discomfort, especially here, because I feel really guilty.

 

I am finally experiencing what is very likely to be a successful pregnancy, and a lot of my IF sisters are not. I wish that were not the case. I feel extremely guilty on here sometimes for going on about this pregnancy when women that I love (even though I’ve not met you, I do love many of you) are still in the trenches. I don’t count myself out of the trenches. I still feel like I’m fighting (and will until baby is in my arms), but I know from experience that even when my IF friends or RL friends were in a high risk pregnancy, if they were pregnant and I was not, I was happy for them but still jealous as shit. I still feel that way towards RL people. So, when I think of my girls that have had a loss in the past 10 weeks, or who are still trying, or who are facing the insane costs of IVF I feel guilty for sharing my joy, but even more so for mentioning my discomfort, during this pregnancy. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m not appropriately thankful. I am. I know that this pregnancy is a miracle. I know that carrying this baby, whether it be for another day, week, month (or hopefully six), is the most important, special thing I can do. My life is literally all about Sprout, and I could not be happier about that.

 

None of that makes my back hurt less, though. It doesn’t make the Tits of Wrath settle down for a little while. It doesn’t make me any less tired and it has no effect on my constant nausea/gagginess. These things are all a normal part of pregnancy. Experiencing them has been wonderful. For a long while, I loved my nausea, it reassured me that Sprout was doing OK. I still love it for that reason. But, a growing part of me is, well, over it.

 

I am starting to feel ready for the next step. To feel second trimestery. You know the honeymoon part of pregnancy. The part where you’re supposed to feel all not like shit everyday. Obviously, this doesn’t happen on day one of trimester 2 (which is today, and no matter how grumpy and yucky I feel otherwise, has me over the moon with joy)… But, I wish it did. And, I feel terribly guilty for feeling that way. I feel like how dare I wish for more? It’s so strange to have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts running around at the same time.

 

So, the conflicting emotions + physical discomfort + guilt + progesterone = She Hulk rage or Minta the Grouch-iness.

 

I’m sorry…

 

The Caffeine Wars February 22, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Family,Miscarriage,Pregnant — arminta @ 2:53 pm

There is a war currently underway in my house. I want a Pepsi. G wants me to not have a Pepsi.

This may sound quite silly, but when you’ve had as many losses as we have, you start clutching at straws and going to extremes for safety’s sake.

I am all for safety. I have gladly (ok, not gladly exactly, but willingly and without too much bitching) made it almost completely through the entire first trimester of this pregnancy without caffeine. No coffee, no Pepsi, very very limited chocolate, even. All of this, even though experts agree that small amounts of caffeine during pregnancy are safe, for safety’s sake. Obviously, I don’t want to take the chance on endangering my Sprout, especially during the critical growth period of the first trimester. That said I have been craving a Pepsi literally since Christmas. Literally.

I have mentioned this craving to G a few times, to which his response is always “But that has caffeine, you can’t have caffeine, bad Mommy for even thinking of drinking a Pepsi.” At this point I would like to point out a couple of things: 1) We’re talking about a can of cola here, not a line of cocaine and 2) No doctor in his right mind would say that one can of cola poses anything resembling a significant risk to mother or baby. Yes, habitual and excessive caffeine use can contribute to miscarriage, one can of cola will cause nothing but a few minutes bliss. All the same, G has been very opposed to my drinking a can of Pepsi.

I could just sneak one at work. I could drink one in front of him just to piss him off. These are options. But, they’re not good options. Because what I want is for him to trust my judgment as a mother. Clearly, he does not.

So, last night while visiting his family his brother pulled an ice cold Pepsi out of the freezer right in front of me. The very thing I have been coveting for two solid months. He then proceeded to drink it. But, not before noticing the fact that I was eyeing his soda like a starving lioness about to pounce. Not knowing about The War, or My Delicate Condition, he asks “Do you want one? There’s another in the freezer.” I’m frozen. YES I want one, YES, YES, YES now please. But, G decides that this is the perfect chance to tell his fam that I’m not allowed caffeine because I’m pregnant. I never thought something good would come of the Pepsi War, but there it was out in the open, no more hiding. They were quite thrilled and said what great parents we’ll be. Then I got to be included in all the gossip! It was a great night. (Now we have to tell G’s mom, and that will not be a great night, but that’s a story for another time.)

We also came to an agreement. On Friday, when I am officially graduated to the second trimester, G will buy me a Pepsi. Yesterday was a good day. Not as good as Friday (or as good as I expect next Friday to be, mmm Pepsi), but still a very good day.

 

Promise Kept! February 19, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant — arminta @ 8:34 pm

So, I am back at work work, fresh off of my very last visit to the RE. Of course, they did tell me that when the baby is born (not if) that I had to bring him in for them to fuss over. They say it’s their favorite part of the job, actually seeing the babies they helped build. But, before I blabber on, the important stuff:

– Heartbeat: 177bpm

– Length: 46mm (4.6cm or 2 inches!)

Sprout3

 

Back to my blabbering… G was not able to make it, so I had to hike up my big girl panties and do it by myself again. It was amazing. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. It was more than I imagined. This picture is actually a very poor representation of what I saw. I saw feet rubbing together. I saw eye rubbing. I saw all five fingers on the left hand (well, I think it was the left hand). I saw tiny toes dot the screen. Amazing. At first I was confused because I though the head and torso were separate entities. I even asked “Is that all baby"?” I love making my doctor chuckle. He patiently explained, that yes, that was all one baby, one big baby, then he showed me the neck, the spine, the tooth buds. Tooth buds! Have I used the word amazing, yet? He let me listen to the heartbeat for a long time, I think he could see me visibly relax while it was playing.

 

After I did a little happy dance and got dressed Dr. Groll gave a certificate to celebrate completing my first trimester care being complete (and my being kick-ed from the office) and he gave me a little baby spoon. That’s right, my RE was the first person to give Sprout a present. I’m sure I haven’t yet said that today was amazing, but it was.

 

I don’t think I can stress enough how awesome Kettering Reproductive Medicine is. Everyone at the clinic is wonderful. They have the single best medical receptionist on the planet. She is so friendly and sweet and caring. The nurses are all top notch. The doctors are both wonderful. I cannot say enough how wonderful Dr. Burwinkle and Dr. Groll are. They are literally the two most caring doctors I’ve ever dealt with (and I’ve dealt with a few doctors). They are thorough and kind, they are genuinely happy for their patients (and their) successes. They are genuinely saddened by their patients losses. LOVE THEM.

 

OK, I’m all done being mega sap over here. Since G was unable to make it I did send him a pic right away (he was very upset at not being able to make it). I also told him the length and heartbeat. His response “Thats going to hurt when it comes out” Niiice.

 

The One in Which I Yell At God February 18, 2010

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Fall Baby,Miscarriage,Pregnant,The Fear — arminta @ 8:20 pm

Having another one of those mixed bag kind of days. I’m really mourning my Bean today. I cried all the way to work thinking about him. There’s a song by The Fray that always gets me to thinking about him (and usually shouting at God, I’m sure the people driving near me think I’m psycho) and it was on not once but twice on my way in this morning. Now I’m listening to it again, and crying. I just can’t comprehend how God could let so many of my babies die. How could he take my precious Bean?

G has been talking about going back to church lately, but I’m just not ready. I’m still too mad and hurt and pissed.

 

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything."

*
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
*

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
*

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
*

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
*

The early morning, the city breaks
And I’ve been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I ever wanted

*
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded

*
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why’d you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

 

 

The Fray says it so much elegantly than I have ever thought to. But, that is my prevailing question… Where the fuck was God when I needed him? Sure as shit not with me, not saving my babies or providing some kind of comfort. I keep asking, and I get nothing in return. Nothing. But, that makes sense. For years I went to church, I prayed, I volunteered, I did private devotionals and studied the bible with friends. I got nothing for that, too. Actually, I got less than nothing, I got six dead babies. For the last time: “I’m not fucking Job, I can’t take this shit. I am very weak and very apt to give up on you for good when I give and give and get shit in return. It’s not supposed to work this way. If you’re not keen on losing me forever, I suggest you fucking find me on the quick!”

 

Right, so, bad day. Probably I shouldn’t be playing my hormones by continuing to listen to this song over and over. Which brings us to the next subject, I’m feeling a little “unstable” hormonally, a little “fuck you, I do what I want.” This is not conducive to living a productive life.

 

In much better news… 11 week scan tomorrow. If it goes well, I’m probably coming out of the closet to extended family, friends and work over the next week or two. I hope it goes well. I promise not be so lazy posting the pic this time.

 

Holy Shit, I Finally Got Off of My Ass and Did It! February 16, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant — arminta @ 12:13 pm

Here is the long awaited 9w photo of Sprout. And only 3 days before the 11w photo is due!

Doesn’t it look like he’s marching?

Sprout

 

Crazy Dreams and Saying Goodbye to the RE February 15, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant — arminta @ 7:31 pm

Well, the last appointment with the RE is Friday. If the baby is still alive he’s kicking me out to the regular people’s OB because *gulp* next Friday is the last day of my first trimester. How the hell did that happen? I’m terrified of losing the support of the RE’s office. Everyone there is so nice, and they don’t look at me like I’m insane when I say things like “can we check again” or “is XYZ possible since 123 test results were off.” I have found this kind of behavior to be not well tolerated in regular people’s doctors offices.  It’s bittersweet. I am so happy that things appear to be progressing well (tits throbbing, am starving and feeling the need to yech all at the same time right now), but sad to be saying goodbye to my wonderful RE team (hopefully forever, but at least for a couple of years).

In other news, I’ve been having baby dreams. Not, oops we lost the baby, or we had a baby and forgot or there’s a strange baby here and it must be mine kind of dreams. Those are all quite the normal. No, I’m having dreams where I’ve been out doing something and come home to G and the baby dozing on the recliner watching TV, or leaving the hospital having forgotten the car seat or planned for a girl, but it’s a boy kind of dreams. NORMAL pregnant people dreams. It’s so weird and wonderful and strange! (I’m still having my normal odd dreams, too, where I’ve bought a house and get lost in it or my whole family is living in one house that’s back in the neighborhood I grew up in. Just having good baby dreams, too. Well, and dreams about bears. Lots of orphaned bear cubs lately…)

In other news… there is no other news. I’m feeling better from the flu debacle, FINALLY. Work issues still suck ass. Otherwise, nothing new… So lame.