Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The One in Which I Yell At God February 18, 2010

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Fall Baby,Miscarriage,Pregnant,The Fear — arminta @ 8:20 pm

Having another one of those mixed bag kind of days. I’m really mourning my Bean today. I cried all the way to work thinking about him. There’s a song by The Fray that always gets me to thinking about him (and usually shouting at God, I’m sure the people driving near me think I’m psycho) and it was on not once but twice on my way in this morning. Now I’m listening to it again, and crying. I just can’t comprehend how God could let so many of my babies die. How could he take my precious Bean?

G has been talking about going back to church lately, but I’m just not ready. I’m still too mad and hurt and pissed.

 

I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarette
I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask anything."

*
Where were you, when everything was falling apart.
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
*

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
*

But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who’s ever known
Who I am, who I’m not and who I wanna to be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
*

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
*

The early morning, the city breaks
And I’ve been calling for years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve taking all I ever wanted

*
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, Where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded

*
Why’d you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me.
Why’d you have to wait, to find me, to find me?

 

 

The Fray says it so much elegantly than I have ever thought to. But, that is my prevailing question… Where the fuck was God when I needed him? Sure as shit not with me, not saving my babies or providing some kind of comfort. I keep asking, and I get nothing in return. Nothing. But, that makes sense. For years I went to church, I prayed, I volunteered, I did private devotionals and studied the bible with friends. I got nothing for that, too. Actually, I got less than nothing, I got six dead babies. For the last time: “I’m not fucking Job, I can’t take this shit. I am very weak and very apt to give up on you for good when I give and give and get shit in return. It’s not supposed to work this way. If you’re not keen on losing me forever, I suggest you fucking find me on the quick!”

 

Right, so, bad day. Probably I shouldn’t be playing my hormones by continuing to listen to this song over and over. Which brings us to the next subject, I’m feeling a little “unstable” hormonally, a little “fuck you, I do what I want.” This is not conducive to living a productive life.

 

In much better news… 11 week scan tomorrow. If it goes well, I’m probably coming out of the closet to extended family, friends and work over the next week or two. I hope it goes well. I promise not be so lazy posting the pic this time.

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2 Responses to “The One in Which I Yell At God”

  1. Krystal Says:

    Oh, honey. We all have days like that. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with it. And while I know you don’t want to hear it, God IS right there with you. And I don’t think for a second that God wants you to suffer. He is Love, by his very definition. I’ve been forced to face him with my doubt and uncertainty many times, and every time He’s been there to tell me that He has a greater good in mind. There are SO many things in my life that I would have NO idea about if it weren’t for our infertility. And, it may sound crazy, but I’ve even thanked Him for it a time or two. Not that I want it to continue any longer, of course. LOL

    All that to say that He does love you, even if you don’t feel it. And He’ll be ready and waiting should you ever decide to return to Him. He loves you So much! If you need anything at all, you know how to find me!

  2. Jenn Says:

    I have days like that too. It’s really hard to get your head around. Feel better soon! Can’t wait to see your 11 week scan.


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