And it’s ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, so I’ve been noticeably absent again. Still got something bugging me, but have decided I probably won’t go on a rant about it. But also… I’ve been grouchy this week. This has been an uncomfortable week. I try not to bring up my discomfort, especially here, because I feel really guilty.
I am finally experiencing what is very likely to be a successful pregnancy, and a lot of my IF sisters are not. I wish that were not the case. I feel extremely guilty on here sometimes for going on about this pregnancy when women that I love (even though I’ve not met you, I do love many of you) are still in the trenches. I don’t count myself out of the trenches. I still feel like I’m fighting (and will until baby is in my arms), but I know from experience that even when my IF friends or RL friends were in a high risk pregnancy, if they were pregnant and I was not, I was happy for them but still jealous as shit. I still feel that way towards RL people. So, when I think of my girls that have had a loss in the past 10 weeks, or who are still trying, or who are facing the insane costs of IVF I feel guilty for sharing my joy, but even more so for mentioning my discomfort, during this pregnancy. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m not appropriately thankful. I am. I know that this pregnancy is a miracle. I know that carrying this baby, whether it be for another day, week, month (or hopefully six), is the most important, special thing I can do. My life is literally all about Sprout, and I could not be happier about that.
None of that makes my back hurt less, though. It doesn’t make the Tits of Wrath settle down for a little while. It doesn’t make me any less tired and it has no effect on my constant nausea/gagginess. These things are all a normal part of pregnancy. Experiencing them has been wonderful. For a long while, I loved my nausea, it reassured me that Sprout was doing OK. I still love it for that reason. But, a growing part of me is, well, over it.
I am starting to feel ready for the next step. To feel second trimestery. You know the honeymoon part of pregnancy. The part where you’re supposed to feel all not like shit everyday. Obviously, this doesn’t happen on day one of trimester 2 (which is today, and no matter how grumpy and yucky I feel otherwise, has me over the moon with joy)… But, I wish it did. And, I feel terribly guilty for feeling that way. I feel like how dare I wish for more? It’s so strange to have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts running around at the same time.
So, the conflicting emotions + physical discomfort + guilt + progesterone = She Hulk rage or Minta the Grouch-iness.