Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

Big Changes Ahead: The Details March 1, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Family,Marriage,Pregnant — arminta @ 1:29 pm

As I mentioned in my last post, my sister is also pregnant. This is not good news to me. That probably sounds selfish to anyone reading this who really isn’t that familiar with the relationship between my sister, mother and me. It may sound selfish even if you are familiar. But the bottom line is, I’ve waited a long time, and put in a lot of hard work to get to where I am right now. The most important thing to me is having G and my Sprout and our little family being happy and healthy. But… I would be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to the fringe benefits. I was looking forward to a big over the top baby shower. I was looking forward to people ooh’ing and aah’ing over my baby. I wanted to tell my extended family about the baby in a way that was special and memorable. She has stolen that from me. From this point forward nothing will be about me or my baby, it will be about “us” or “the babies.” Which, you know if this was two or three for me, too, that would be fun. But it’s not.

She says “this is old news for me, I want people to focus on you” blah, blah, blah. But she doesn’t mean it. It wouldn’t change other people’s reactions/behavior if she did, but it would matter to me. As I said, though, she doesn’t. How do I know?

– She and Mother have been conspiring for at least a week about it. I say conspiring because of comments I’ve gotten from Big C… “Mommy says your baby and her baby are going to have a war.” and (when G asked him if he knew H was pregnant, she had already told me he did, we weren’t playing mind games with him, we were letting him know that we knew so he didn’t have to be stressed about keeping a secret from us anymore) “Who told you? It’s supposed to be a secret because if Minta finds out she’ll be upset.”

– She’s brought up the fact that her progesterone is low in every conversation we’ve had. But “it’s that way with every pregnancy for her.” And when I didn’t ask any further questions she mentioned that “the only reason they’re concerned is because she’s spotting.” So, now that I’m second trimester she’s high risk. So, I asked her some specifics… what kind of prog. supplementation did they prescribe, pills, gel, cream, shots? The answer “IDK, but it was $80 so I didn’t get it.” You didn’t get it? You’re pregnant and spotting and have low progesterone, but you didn’t get the progesterone? No.

– Even though all of Little C’s infant things (high chair, clothes, blankets, some toys etc…) were given to Hurricane Katrina relief she “doesn’t want a shower or any gifts or anything” she’ll “make do with what she can afford.” This is a little game that she’s learned from my mother, pretend like you don’t want anything so that other people offer it and it becomes their idea.

– She spent the last two weeks hinting that she might be pregnant, but hoped she wasn’t, but probably wasn’t, but hasn’t had a period, so something must be wrong. She even went as far as to say that she took a test, but it was negative.

– She spent half an hour telling me how “it took her a couple of days, but now she’s OK with it and she’ll figure out how to make do.” Really? She conceived within days of me telling her that I was pregnant and would be taking a less active roles with the C’s. Maybe it was even that night. She knew I was pregnant, she knew she was in her fertile time (because AF was visiting her during my fertile time…) and she took NO measures to prevent getting pregnant with a third child that she doesn’t want and is now “OK” with. Nobody’s buying what you’re selling here…

Which brings me to my next point… I believe that she got pregnant on purpose, because she could see my mother getting irritated with her and spending more time (and more importantly to her, money) on me. (I should point out here, that mother has not spent any money on me or Sprout throughout the duration of this pregnancy.) My mother and sister have a very co-dependent relationship. The house I’m living in was purchased for H and the C’s. H didn’t want it, and it sat empty. So, G and I moved into it. It’s in a better neighborhood than ours and is a cute little house. More on this later. Back to the point… she was losing pull with mother, so she had to correct the “balance.” Additionally, she is back together with C senior and things are rocky there. I suspect C #3 has something to do with that, as well. This is not the first time she’s gotten pregnant at the same time as someone else, either. Little C is just a month younger than her friend N’s youngest kid. Yes, she is one of “those” people. She can get pregnant whenever she wants. The problem is when she wants.

So, what am I so afraid of, other than losing fringe benefits?

– I will lose my baby and she won’t and I will hate her forever.

– She will continue to not take her progesterone, have a miscarriage and expect much sympathy and attention and basically spotlight, which will cast a negative light on me for not being happy for her to begin with.

– She will have a girl and I will have a boy and since mother already has two grand-boys and no grand-girls my baby will become “the other boy.”

– Mother will give her the furniture that she promised to me.

– My babies celebrations and joys will always be short lived, because C#3 will be just a week or two behind.

– There will be competition and comparison between the babies. (Not from me, from outside sources.)

– But mostly, I will lose my baby and she won’t and I will hate her forever.

Also, we are probably going to move out of my mother’s house and back to the ghetto. At breakfast Sunday morning she asked about our house, I told her sign is going up this week, open house as soon as the snow melts etc… She made a joke about thinking that G was hanging onto it as a bachelor pad to escape from me. So, I couldn’t help myself (she had made a couple of other snarky comments that bit my biscuits already) I said “No, G hasn’t been in a rush, because he figured with us doing treatments, H would turn up knocked up again, and want you to bail her out, and you would, of course, by kicking us out and moving her into the house we’re in.” Let’s take a minute to examine good responses:

– Sis, goodness no! I told you guys you could stay there as long as you need and I told you no rent until 1 year after the other house sold, and I meant it.

– Of course, not, don’t be silly.

– I love you both and would never toss you out because she needed help.

Her actual response “Is that an option?”

It sure as shit is. We have decided we don’t need the uncertainty of not knowing when the roof is being yanked from over our heads. We’ll move back to the old house, where we are secure and know that we won’t be kicked out for someone else. But, I must say it is hurting my relationship with my mother to do this. Her response confirmed what I’ve known all along and have been trying to deny. It really doesn’t matter what I do, I will never be as important to her as H is.

So, that’s where things stand right now. I’m pretty pissed and hurt at my family. Of course, G’s Aunt C has been great during this. Her hubs, G’s brother and his friends have all offered to help us move. The shit kicker is I have to get boxes again, because I gave mine to H!


5 Responses to “Big Changes Ahead: The Details”

  1. Krystal Says:

    ugh! Your mom and sister are so messed up! I’m so sorry you have to deal with them! (((hugs)))

  2. Jenn Says:

    Ugh! What a mess. *hug*

  3. even I want to kick your sister in the head…. and your mother… what a couple of D-bags… I kinda know how you feel though… as soon as I went back on my meds to get knocked up, my s.i.l. (who pretty much only has to will herself to get pregnant and she IS pregnant seriously- her two youngest will be 11 months apart…) DID get pregnant – all for the sake of “beating me” to the first boy. uh huh… too bad for her she’s on girl #3… and they’re all going to be teens at THE SAME TIME!!! baaaahahahahaha

    Just remember that karma’s a bitch and the assholes will always get theirs in the end… somehow!!

  4. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    How crummy! I’m sorry that a time that should be a celebration isn’t shaping up that way at all. Our families sure can make this road harder, can’t they.

    Sending hugs and prayers your way.

  5. jill Says:

    Eww what a crazy, awful situation! I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this. I would feel hurt and upset too if my sister got pregnant on purpose like that. Ugh! I just want to slap her for you.


    Sending you strength to be able to deal with all of this.

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