A post that I wrote quite a while back, Infertile Women are Crazy, is one of the ones that consistently gets some search engine traffic from people Googling “Infertile Women are Crazy” or some slight variation thereof. One thing that this post does not pick up, though, are comments. Until this weekend. I approved the comment and it is visible on the original post. It is rather negative and I did consider not approving it, but the author didn’t make any jabs at me or attack all infertile women in general (at least not directly), so I went ahead and approved it, because people can have opinions that don’t jive with mine, as long as they’re not mean about it.
So… here it is:
My own experience dealing with infertile women has been rather nasty. Maybe because I have a baby and they don’t, although they have no clue if I had problems getting pregnant (I didn’t). A used to be very good friend of mine who had a miscarriage told me that I and her sister (both stay at home moms) don’t “do anything all day”. Not sure why she “knows” what any mom does or does not do, she is not a mom. I know someone who wants kids but doesn’t have them tell me her niece was “her baby”. No, if you have a niece, you are the aunt, not the mother. She is forever talking down about her sister in law, and how incompetent she is as a mother. I will tell you from first hand experience, being a mother seemed so much easier before I had a child! And I think most parents would agree with that.
My husband and I started avoiding this couple who we suspect had fertility problems, they were forever telling us what to do with our baby, criticizing us, and other mothers. They were so very bitter. I guess they thought the world “owed them” a baby, and since they had been married for years and wanted children and didn’t have any, their next best thing was to condemn every single action of every single parent.
I do wonder if these infertile women also belittle women who have bigger houses, more exciting careers, etc, than they do, or do they just complain about women with children when they don’t have any? Infertility must be a horrible thing to experience first hand, but I don’t see how being angry and rude to others is going to help the situation.
This is obviously one fertile woman’s take on infertility or specifically infertile women. I am choosing to believe that this is not a regular lurker who is familiar with my involvement with The C’s and is making a pointed statement in discussing the aunt comment.
I find it interesting that the take-away is:
- Infertile women don’t know what it’s like to be mothers.
- Infertile women attempt to become too involved in other people’s children.
- Infertile women are overly critical of mothers.
- Infertile women are jealous of others and/or feel that they are owed a child.
- Infertile women are angry and rude.
Now, while this isn’t directly insulting, when you boil down to the message being conveyed is pretty judgmental. On the one hand, I do sometimes see myself in those statements, though.
I obviously have no idea what it’s like to mother a living child. I would like to, but I don’t. I do know that no matter how hard it is, no matter what else is going on there are certain absolutes. Things like not leaving kids in the car while going into a big store for a long period of time. Things like not drinking and driving, but especially with the kids in the car. These are things that I have criticized mothers of living children for. These are things I have criticized my sister for. These are things that anyone with any concern for human life, whether they have living children or not should see and point out and be ready to protect the children in their life from. I would not consider my becoming more active with The C’s during a time when their mother made choices such as those (+ worse) to be overly involved. Just as now that she’s making better decisions, I have become less involved. I also wouldn’t consider being critical of those choices/actions being overly critical. Complaining about clothes not matching, or hair not being styled or something along those lines = overly critical. Complaining about a baby not being bathed in weeks = justified concern.
But, I will admit that I see myself even more in the jealousy and anger comments. I am jealous of women who can get pregnant easily and have never experienced their baby’s death. I am pissed off that six of my babies are not with me today. And, you know what? I do think I’m entitled to those feelings. I believe with all of my heart that I have every right to feel that way and express those feelings. I don’t have a right to be rude to someone else who is not to blame for my fucked up body, but I have the right to be jealous of her ease in procreation. Just like women who don’t want children have every right to be jealous of my inability to have children without medical intervention.
Anyway, that is my take on the world’s view of we the infertile. What’s yours?