Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

The Fear is Back in Town* April 28, 2010

Filed under: Blueberry Bean,Fall Baby,Miscarriage,Pregnant,Spring Baby,The Fear — arminta @ 9:07 am

G surprised me with the bedding set I’ve been eye’ing. So, I had to set it up (sorry no pics the man hogged our laptop last night, so I couldn’t get them off of the camera) just to see what it looks like. Just to see the bed as it will look when MY BABY sleeps in it.

* Here is generic photo of bedding like ours. Will upload actual photo when I have access to my laptop and camera…

Then it hit me.

Bad move Minta… Surely you are tempting fate now. Not quite to viability, not even having had a 20 week anatomy scan, setting up baby beds. Bad Minta! If it all falls apart now you have to fold up precious sheets and bumpers. You will have to take them back to the store and explain that you don’t need them anymore. You’re in too deep. It it all falls apart now there’s a whole room that needs emptied, not just a few photos, books and cards to put away. What are you thinking?!??!?

This would be about the time when the tears started. Because, of course, I should be setting up a nursery safely about now. Spring Baby was due 5/11/10. I should have a baby already sleeping in these cute little sheets. Bean should now be nearly five months old. History is not on our side. History says no baby is coming home.

So, G comes in to find out why I’m crying in the baby room (still not nursery). And I very inelegantly explain the above through snot and tears. To which he says… if the worst should happen, I’ll take it all down and have it all out of the way before you get home from the D&C. He still thinks it’s a little inch long D&C’able babe. He doesn’t realize this baby is nearly a foot long. This babies feet are bigger than Bean’s whole body was when he died. There is no D&C at this point. We are now talking C-section or induction or labor without induction. But no matter, we’re talking delivery. Dead or alive the only way this baby is coming out is delivery.

G is now thoroughly freaked as well. Fuck!

So, yes, I’m being rather morbid. You would think that setting up the bed would make things feel more real and tangible. But in fact, bringing out The Fear and my natural moroseness.

(Baby actually seems to be doing well, heartbeat still rocking out at 150’ish bpm and either hiccuping or kicking the shit out of my bladder today. Have no actual current reason to fear the worst… Fingers crossed and finding wood to knock on now, damn, where’s that G when I need him!)

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4 Responses to “The Fear is Back in Town*”

  1. Krystal Says:

    Oh, wow, Minta. Knowing your history, I’m sure that was a HUGE step for you to even put the bedding in there. I think I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, just try and enjoy every minute you have with this little one. We can pray that it will be another 20+ weeks, which it most likely will be, but only God knows how many days that little one with be with you. I’m praying for you, girl!

  2. Jenn Says:

    It will be okay. This baby is here to stick. Your not going to be punnished for putting the bed together. And yeah, you will have to deliver that little person. In about 20 more weeks. If anyone deserves this you do. So dont feel bad about puting up the bed for this baby, the one that will and has stuck. It has a great heartbeat. : ) Just think that every time you start to get doubts. * hug*

  3. Oh do I ever know how you feel! I’m well past viability and still scared witless!!

    Try to think and stay positive!! Things are working out well for you, and this baby is here to stay!

  4. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    I’m with you hon! While, I’m still very early on, every concrete indicator says that this time is going to be the one, but my heart and mind can’t be in agreement. Part of me is eager to start looking for baby things… but I can’t get past the fact that in my last two pregnancies, just a week or two after buying something baby oriented, everything went to hell. I don’t believe in jinxes, but…

    I have to hang on to that thin thread of hope and confidence. I have to.

    Sending prayers your way… for peace and strength and renewed hope.


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