Or at least this is the OB’s prediction. He’s guessing closer to 4 pounds right now, with a final weight of around 10’ish.
FUCK! is right…
Before I start freaking out, perhaps the whole story?
I had my 30 week check up on Tuesday morning. Our conversation went like this…
Doc W: How ya feeling, everything OK?”
Me: Oh, yeah, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the crotch most of the time, soak my bras with breast milk everyday, and let’s not forget how I like to pee my pants all day, but seein’s how that’s all pretty run of the mill third tri normalness, I’m doing fan-freakin-tastic!
DW: Hmm, lay down so I can measure your huge belly and verify that your kid’s heart is still beating
So, I did.
And he did.
And, then he did again.
Then the conversation turned something like this:
DW: Your belly is way bruised up!
Me: Yes, speaking of, when can I stop with the Heparin? ‘Cause, I hates it.
DW: Never. Wait, no you can a week before your due date.
Me: Fuck! Sorry… Frick!
DW: Yeah, also your baby is a monster that’s eating you from the inside out and will be big enough to kill you in about 10 weeks.
Me: The hell?
DW: He’s measuring 32 weeks. You’re not gaining weight. Well, you gained a pound, but it’s clearly all in your giant water balloon feet. So, obviously, as currently there’s about 4 pounds of baby and 6 pounds of ute/fluid/placenta in your abdomen, plus all that extra blood, and shit those feet have got to be holding a pound of water each… and you’ve gained not quite enough to account for your water retention so… baby is eating you alive.
DW: I wasn’t really worried about your lack of weight gain, until your baby started being a giant… But now, I want you to have another ultrasound to see just how huge he is. I’m putting my money on you’re growing a 10 pounder! Maybe you can get a fat baby ribbon at the fair!
Me: I’m short and fat, could that just be skewing the measurements?
DW: Ehh, probably not. But, if it will make you feel better I’ll say maybe.
Me: Oh right, also the hubs is freaking out about Downs and Cerebral Palsy, maybe new u/s will help calm him down. These are things we should be able to image on a 32 weeker, yeah?
DW: Pssha! We’d have caught that shit already. Tell hubs to quit being a pussy. Also, please let him know that he shouldn’t wear that skirt, his vagina is showing.
Me: KThxBai, here’s $150, c-ya in two weeks
DW: mwa ha ha ha cash!
OK, that MAY be a SLIGHT exaggeration. My OB was
probably WAY nicer and more professional than that. But, you know, that’s the gist of the conversation anyway.
Now, I’m freaking out. I want a natural childbirth. I want immediate skin to skin contact and to have him on the breast in the first few minutes. I want all kinds of stuff that I feel slipping out of my hands. I’m scared Baby G is going to get to a certain weight, then DW is going to declare him too big and order a c-section or at the very least an induction. Obviously, c-section isn’t going to be natural at all and I don’t see managing a cervadil + pitocin labor on self-hypnosis and breathing exercises.
These things are outside of my control.
No ultrasound has been performed.
Nothing has been ruled in or out, yet.
(look who’s been practicing her Hypno Birthing Relaxations before classes even start…)