Life Family and the Pursuit of Sanity

or… adventures in infertility and babies and family drama!

My Uterus: Home of the Ten Pound Baby July 1, 2010

Filed under: Fall Baby,Pregnant,The Evacuation Plan — arminta @ 12:00 am

Or at least this is the OB’s prediction. He’s guessing closer to 4 pounds right now, with a final weight of around 10’ish.


FUCK! is right…


Before I start freaking out, perhaps the whole story?


I had my 30 week check up on Tuesday morning.  Our conversation went like this…

Doc W: How ya feeling, everything OK?”

Me: Oh, yeah, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the crotch most of the time, soak my bras with breast milk everyday, and let’s not forget how I like to pee my pants all day, but seein’s how that’s all pretty run of the mill third tri normalness, I’m doing fan-freakin-tastic!

DW: Hmm, lay down so I can measure your huge belly and verify that your kid’s heart is still beating

So, I did.

And he did.

And, then he did again.


Then the conversation turned something like this:

DW: Your belly is way bruised up!

Me: Yes, speaking of, when can I stop with the Heparin? ‘Cause, I hates it.

DW: Never. Wait, no you can a week before your due date.

Me: Fuck! Sorry… Frick!

DW: Yeah, also your baby is a monster that’s eating you from the inside out and will be big enough to kill you in about 10 weeks.

Me: The hell?

DW: He’s measuring 32 weeks. You’re not gaining weight. Well, you gained a pound, but it’s clearly all in your giant water balloon feet. So, obviously, as currently there’s about 4 pounds of baby and 6 pounds of ute/fluid/placenta in your abdomen, plus all that extra blood, and shit those feet have got to be holding a pound of water each… and you’ve gained not quite enough to account for your water retention so… baby is eating you alive.

Me: grr

DW: I wasn’t really worried about your lack of weight gain, until your baby started being a giant… But now, I want you to have another ultrasound to see just how huge he is. I’m putting my money on you’re growing a 10 pounder! Maybe you can get a fat baby ribbon at the fair!

Me: I’m short and fat, could that just be skewing the measurements?

DW: Ehh, probably not. But, if it will make you feel better I’ll say maybe.

Me: Oh right, also the hubs is freaking out about Downs and Cerebral Palsy, maybe new u/s will help calm him down. These are things we should be able to image on a 32 weeker, yeah?

DW: Pssha! We’d have caught that shit already. Tell hubs to quit being a pussy. Also, please let him know that he shouldn’t wear that skirt, his vagina is showing.

Me: KThxBai, here’s $150, c-ya in two weeks

DW: mwa ha ha ha cash!

OK, that MAY be a SLIGHT exaggeration. My OB was probably WAY nicer and more professional than that. But, you know, that’s the gist of the conversation anyway.


Now, I’m freaking out. I want a natural childbirth. I want immediate skin to skin contact and to have him on the breast in the first few minutes. I want all kinds of stuff that I feel slipping out of my hands. I’m scared Baby G is going to get to a certain weight, then DW is going to declare him too big and order a c-section or at the very least an induction. Obviously, c-section isn’t going to be natural at all and I don’t see managing a cervadil + pitocin labor on self-hypnosis and breathing exercises.


These things are outside of my control.


No ultrasound has been performed.


Nothing has been ruled in or out, yet.






(look who’s been practicing her Hypno Birthing Relaxations before classes even start…)


3 Responses to “My Uterus: Home of the Ten Pound Baby”

  1. Mrs. Gamgee Says:

    Oh hon… you had me laughing so hard I was crying. I was trying to read your post to my Beloved and I could hardly speak.

    Ok… so now that I’ve wiped my eyes and have caught my breath, and I have the proper perspective all I can say is UGH. I will be hoping and praying that the doc is being overly cautious. I know that they get weights and stuff wrong all the time.

    hang in there!

  2. HILARIOUS. Okay peace and calm. Because a) those measurements they give you are all just guesswork. They really have no idea until that baby pops out how big s/he will be. They guessed almost 9 for me with a pound leeway either way (i.e. I heard the same “could be 10 pounds” speech), and while my H was a good sized baby, he was a perfectly respectable and not at all scary 8 lbs 9 oz.

    And b) you’re right, there’s nothing you can do regarding the birth. I know this is easy for me to say because now it’s over for me — look at me being all zen about it now — but honestly that baby is in charge. I think I would have had a lot more positive an experience if I had let go a little. I *really* wanted a natural birth, because it’s obviously preferable and also because I have a serious fear of surgery. But this baby had other ideas — well, actually, my fibroids ultimately had other ideas. My point is that the birth was not at all what I had wanted, and I had a really hard time with that fact for a while after it happened and I still struggle with it sometimes. But the important thing is that the baby is here, healthy and safe and adorable, and yours will be too. I really hope it’s the way you want it, but if it’s not, both of you will be fine too.

  3. This was freakin’ hilarious.

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